*This post was excerpted from my schmoozeletter email.*
The following is a conversation that comes up a lot with my couples in therapy:
Me: So what would you say are the challenges you're facing in your relationship that you want to address together?
Him: Our intimate life isn't great. We're not "together" often and when we are it seems to fall flat.
Her: For me it's that I'm feeling that we're emotionally disconnected from each other these days.
Him: Well, I feel very rejected and frustrated by the lack of physical affection and sex, so more of that would help me feel more connected.
Her: Well, it's hard for me to feel sexual and open to touch when we're feeling so disconnected emotionally- and I don't like feeling like you only want sex. If we invest in talking and spending time together, that would probably help me access my libido.
So- he needs sexual activity to feel close, she needs to feel close in order to desire sexual activity, and the marriage has become a stalemate, both lonely and waiting for the other to step forward in a bid of some sort of intimate connection.
This is very, very common.
And you could flip the genders in the story if you want; I used these because it's what I see more frequently (and I'm sometimes criticized for writing about these issues in a way that's gender stereotypical. But I write about what I see the most often, and then acknowledge individual differences.)
He uses physical intimacy to feel emotionally intimate; she needs emotional intimacy to desire physical intimacy. The cat chasing its tail.
So- when you're stuck in this loop as a couple, where do we start?
Well, some couples therapists don't take sides, but I sometimes do.
In this case, I believe you start with (re)building emotional connection first.
Why? Because it can be unhealthy and even traumatic for people to force themselves to be sexual when they don't feel psychologically or physically up to it, while creating time and space to connect emotionally generates safety and sets the stage for better intimacy of all kinds. (That's not a guarantee; just an opinion.)
In general, the dance precedes the mating, but there are couples where one partner tries to skip steps and it often doesn't go so well. (Yes, there are exceptions.. cuz: people.)
How do you build emotional intimacy? You start by spending time together that's not interactional foreplay. By reading or watching material about relationship enhancement, discussing it, and processing it together. Or by going for a walk, a date, a meal, having an intentional conversation about things you've been avoiding, and by playing - reinforcing the friendship part of the relationship in a way that doesn't feel conditional to immediate sex.
Better emotional connection often means better physical connection to create a virtuous cycle of love-making.
*For more free content like this, come join the free schmoozeletter at elishevaliss.com/newsletter
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com