It usually happens some time in the middle of a session. We’ll be discussing a couple’s intimate life, and I can see the consternation building on the woman’s face. Eventually, she’ll just say something like:
“Can I ask a funny question? Like… what’s the point of sex anyway?”
When working with clients who are dealing with sexual aversion, the question of: “why do we even need sex anyway?” comes up not infrequently.
For those who naturally and/or “nurturally” crave, appreciate, desire, and enjoy sexual activity intensely and regularly, this question might sound strange. But for the many people who don’t, it’s quite legitimate, and important to consider, particularly if they are in intimate relationships or would like to be.
There are basically three primary purposes for sexual activity (at least as that I can think of):
1. Procreation
2. Pleasure/ recreation
3. Connection
There are other reasons that could, and maybe should be added to this list, but I believe that those would probably fit into one of these three. Let’s look at each one:
Procreation is the most limited purpose of sex. Most people will have far more sexual activity than they will have children, and not all sexual activity is reproductive. Nonetheless, it is an important variable and for many it’s the initial motivation. (I remember a friend sharing that before she got married, she had thought that if you have four children, that meant you’d had sex only four times. And she wasn’t coming from a particularly sheltered background either- she just hadn’t had clear or formal sex education. I’m sure she’s not the only one.)
Pleasure is more widely relevant. Even when the goal is not to produce babies, most humans appreciate the different kinds of physical pleasure that sexual activity can generate- only one of which is the orgasm. Human touch is a form of sensual stimulation and nourishment that is considered a physical and psychological need. Sexual desire, fantasy, and experimentation can be some of the most pleasurable experiences in which people can engage. It can also (but not always) be a powerful form of intimacy, which brings us to the third category:
Connection is a specific form of interpersonal pleasure that sexual activity can generate, which is why it deserves its own category. For example, consensual sex with a stranger can be physically pleasurable, but it doesn’t necessarily lead to emotional connection. On the other hand, when there is both emotional connection and sexual chemistry between two people, sexual activity can serve to express, enhance, deepen, and sustain this connection. Feeling desire and desired is a powerful dynamic in relationships, that rallies with pleasure to keep it exciting.
Another potential category is holiness. There is a Biblical imperative to share sexual pleasure with a spouse. But that commandment is predicated on these first three purposes, or at least numbers 2 and 3. Aside from the religious value to be fruitful, the assumption is that sexual activity, even during nonreproductive times, is a way of exchanging pleasure and connection in a relationship.
When one of these three is missing, it can create very painful distress- self-blame, hopelessness, relational tension, and aggravation.
If a couple is trying to conceive and it’s not happening, it can not only lead to sadness, anxiety, and frustration about not having a baby when they want it, but also sometimes detract from the enjoyment of sex. When “love-making” is so focused on “baby-making” it can be challenging to tap into the potential pleasure and connection.
Even independent of procreation, if one or both partners are not feeling physical pleasure or emotional connection, that too can usually be psychologically and even physically painful.
Generally, the people who ask what the point of sex is are those who are not feeling much or consistent pleasure and/ or connection from sexual activity, and typically only engage in it to please a partner. This can lead to resentment, which feeds the cycle of displeasure and disconnection.
Every example of people I’ve met who’ve asked this question was a woman. (That doesn’t mean no men ask it. This is just my limited experience.) One possible explanation for this (out of many) is the fact that culturally, historically, and educationally, the focus on sexuality has often been centered on male pleasure. Although it is worth noting that there is a Talmudic imperative to specifically focus on female pleasure. Penetrative genital hetero-normative intercourse, which is what people usually associate with the word “sex,” typically climaxes with the male orgasm, whereas the female processes of pleasure, arousal, and orgasm are often sidelined, rushed, or neglected. This is not necessarily because all those men don’t care about their wives’ pleasure. They often do but, don’t they realize that the acts that bring them pleasure are different from their partners’ needs. This is a big part of why we see so many couples in which the wife doesn’t enjoy sex.
So what should a couple in this situation do?
Talk about it. Communicate- lovingly.
Empathize. You’re both probably struggling.
Nurture the intimate parts of the relationship that are not sexual.
Try not to engage in any kind of sexual activity where one partner is distressed about it.
Explore what feels good- for her. Do more of that.
Seek out information (such as some of the books in the resources section of this website) to learn more about sexuality and pleasure. This is particularly important for women who’ve never learned what feels good for them, and have only experienced sexual activity as a response to their partners’ desires.
If this persists for more than a few weeks, seek professional guidance. (It may sometimes take a few tries to find the right fit for this work.)
While there are some individuals who truly identify as asexual, it’s often the case that many who believe they are asexual are more accurately sexually deprived of pleasure, repressed, reacting to a history of negative sexual experience, responding to something in the relationship or some other stressor, or not yet sexually developed. Sometimes it’s a matter of both partners learning new erotic skills. Many simply haven’t found the patterns of touch, feeling, sensation, sexual activity, language, fantasy, and relational intimacy that can ignite the parts of them capable of enjoying this kind of pleasure. Like most skill sets, this can be cultivated with the right information, context, support, and patience.
*One of the common factors in sexual dysfunction for adults is poor or nonexistent sex education in childhood. To learn more about better sex education, check this out: Sacred Not Secret, a Religious Family's Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com