Elul Anxiety
Tami, a motivated college student, sought help to deal with her test taking anxiety. She describes her symptoms:
“I just get so nervous starting a few days before the test. This sense of dread. I try to study but I get distracted by how worried I am. By the time I sit down to take the test, my hands are clammy, I feel chilly and sweaty, my head is swimming, and I can barely focus.”
One of the tools Tami learned in terms of managing her anxiety is that she can reinterpret her physiological symptoms in a more empowered way. She remembered that before she started having this anxiety, she had similar physical sensations about schoolwork and other endeavors that mattered to her. But at that point, she processed it as being “pumped.” It was only when she started attributing too much importance to the outcome of her grades and fear of failing, that it morphed into panic. By editing the thoughts and interpretations of what she feeling, she was able to redirect the adrenaline and her mind to the task at hand. She was no longer “freaked out” about the test, but “pumped and ready” to give it her best shot. She eventually stopped viewing her intense feelings as panic, and was able to perceive them as her body and brain getting ready to work hard.*
In Jewish philosophy, there is a dichotomy in our relationship to G-d of love and awe. The love is meant to express connection and faith. The awe is meant to invoke motivation and self-discipline. Ideally, these work together- if we’re only focused on the love, we risk stagnation or innertia. If we only focus on the awe, we risk paralysis or burning out.
This time of year, Elul through Yom Kippur, is one where there is a custom to focus on awe; we call the High Holidays the “Days of Awe.” During these forty days, we assess where we want to repair our mistakes and improve ourselves. This can be very healthy- spiritually, relationally, and psychologically.
Yet, for many, excessive fearmongering and intimidation that has been part of their education has been counterproductive. Instead of feeling “pumped and motivated” to focus on growth, they’ve felt discouraged, shamed, terrified, disconnected, angry, or turned off. The adrenaline in our systems- neurological and spiritual- is not meant to shut us down. It’s meant to rev us up. If you were taught a version of religious mindset that leaves you feeling put off, it makes sense that you would feel overwhelmed, debilitated, or disillusioned from this process.
But like Tami, we don’t need to stay with the panic. We can confront it, and make the decision to rewrite, to reinterpret the messaging- from inside ourselves and even from our education. Or, when necessary, pursue different education. To reframe the intensity of this time of year as an invitation to up our game in the best possible way. Not because it’s catastrophic if we don’t. But because we matter. And when something matters, we pay attention, we work at it. Because life is not a pass or fail college course. It’s a journey, a process, and it’s worth investing in making it as wonderful as it can be. And that entails working on our goals from a place of empowerment, self-compassion, and belief that G-d is in our corner, cheering us on with Love.
*While this is a true story, except for the pseudonym, the therapeutic intervention was oversimplified for the purpose of this short blog post, and this approach won’t work for everyone.
To learn more about how to rewrite your thoughts and moods, read this: Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com