With the upcoming holiday of Sukkos, many families are getting together in clans, and sometimes interactions that are well-meaning can take a turn for the awkward or hurtful. Here are some suggestions of ways to keep it clean and considerate, by trying to steer clear of the following common pitfall topics. It might be a good idea to not comment on:

 

 

 

1. How people look: style, weight, modesty- appearance is super-personal to most people, for a variety of reasons. Instead of commenting on how people look, (yes, even compliments – you might be surprised how many of them can sound backhanded, even unintentionally.) Instead, maybe stick with: “It’s so great to see you!”

 

 

 

2. Religious or political differences or jokes: Religion and politics can get heated and personal fast. Discussing meaningful ideas and sharing wisdom can be a great way to bond. But criticizing, preaching, or mocking the beliefs or practices of others, directly or through hinting, can be hurtful and divisive.

 

 

 

3. Other people’s parenting: When hanging out with cousins or grandchildren, it can get a little sticky when some adults have opinions about others’ parenting styles or kids’ behavior. We need to keep our own kids and belongings safe, but it’s best not to give unsolicited parenting advice (even in the form of passing comments). Also, try not to engage in the competing or one-upping that can sometimes happen between parents; kids are not a contest, and it's just not worth it.

 

 

 

4. Other people’s dating life: Please, please don’t tell single people what they should be doing to “get themselves married” or ask personal questions about their dating and relationships, if they aren’t 100% clear that they want to share. Even when well-intended (which it usually is) it’s generally unhelpful and sometimes humiliating.

 

 

 

5. Family planning: Never, ever, ever ask if someone is pregnant. Or when they’re planning to have a baby/ another kid. We never know what people are dealing with in their own relationships.

 

 

 

6. What people are eating: Similar to weight, body, and other appearance comments, sometimes even remarks that are meant are jokes, advice, or compliments can be painful to the listener. Pay no mind to what others are eating, (unless you need to tell them it’s spoiled or something like that).

 

 

 

7. The state of others’ homes: Some are messier, and some are neater. Some are organized, and some less so. Some can decorate or maintain their homes more elegantly than others. Here, simple compliments should be safe, or offering to help with setting or clearing up for meals, but skip any other, less favorable feedback.

 

 

 

8. Affording stuff: This one is more subjective. But in extended families, there can often be discrepancies in financial situations. Best to be sensitive to these differences when sharing about activities, purchases, or plans that touch on those realities.

 

 

 

9. Past embarrassments: An innocent walk down memory lane can often morph into a subtle bullying session, when recounting events or moments that some relatives might prefer to forget. Please reminisce tactfully.

 

 

 

10. Disclosing personal information: When a relative (or spouse or child) tells us something in confidence, such as a health issue, or a relationship challenge, it can easily “leak” out when surrounded by mutual loved ones. But people, (even children), are entitled to privacy. When unsure whether to share or not, err on the side of discretion.

 

 

 

These are just a few ideas that are worth keeping in mind when hanging out with family. Some other safe topics for chatting are: good books, podcasts, or lecture content, how tasty the food is, light anecdotes, or the weather. Chag same'ach:)

Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?

Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?

(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)

Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.

It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.

Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.

Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.

It’s determined by and customized to each couple.

There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)

When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.

Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?

The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)

The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.

Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:

“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.

I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.

It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.

Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!

The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”

Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.

Check out my course!

A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret

Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com

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