*Due to a misunderstanding about a deadline for a guest post on another site, I ended up with a "spare" mini-article this week, and opted to share it here, instead:
You know that feeling of scary relief?
Like when you very narrowly miss being in what could have been a terrible car accident?
Or almost fall down a flight of stairs, but catch yourself at the last minute?
Or you wake up from a nightmare, and dramatically exhale when you realize it’s not real?
It’s an interesting phenomenon, this particular form of gratitude.
On the one hand- you’re so happy about what didn’t happen.
And also, a little freaked out about what almost did. And/ or what sometimes does.
We appreciate that we’re ok, because there’s a possibility of not being ok.
We know this because, sometimes pain happens to people- the accidents, injuries, and nightmares.
The gratitude of “phew” is tinged with the anxiety of “could have” and “sometimes.”
We often think of emotions in terms of absolutes.
But many of our human feelings show up as hybrids:
Nervous/ excited
Jealous/ inspired
Bereft/ tranquil
Angry/ vindicated
Scared/ exhilarated
Sad/ hopeful
Joyful/ wistful
As an anecdotal example:
Someone who pines to get married, could feel both thrilled for a close friend’s engagement and pained over one more reminder-pang of loneliness.
In this week’s Parsha, Jethro has a visceral, bittersweet, complex, psychological response to some shocking news.
He hears about G-d’s miraculous salvation of the Jews and the downfall of Egypt, and the verse reports, in Hebrew: “Vayechad.”
An unusual word.
Rashi explains that either it means “rejoiced,” as in the word “chedvah” or that his skin became little sharp points -goosebumps- about the loss of Egypt. Rashi cites the Gemara which adds that one should take extra care to be sensitive in front of a convert, even for 10 generations, not to say anything pejorative about gentiles.
Jethro was a truth seeker; Rashi says that he had sampled all the ideologies in the world before arriving at Torah.
While his mind and soul affirmed allegiance to G-d and Judaism, his heart recognized that he could have easily been an Egyptian as well. He didn’t perish in the sea, but others did, and he could have too.
Being a person of expansive mind and empathy will often invite layered emotional experience.
The word “vayechad” is not the typical word for “and he was glad.” There are several other more common and recognizable verbs that could have been used. The double entendre seems to indicate that this was more than pure, simple joy.
The word chad also means “one” or “unified.”
A person who is able to both rejoice for those saved and simultaneously break out in the chills when he identifies with those who perished rather than repent, is a someone who embodies the sanctity of G-d’s Oneness. Perhaps specifically because he had explored other faiths, he could bring back and sanctify the sparks of perspective. He could mourn for what the Egyptians were never able to become. We can’t say the whole Hallel when our salvation has to come at the expense of great national tragedy- necessary and miraculous as it was.
When someone we love gets that clean bill of health we’ve been praying for, we cry from relief but also, maybe from the survivors’ guilt awareness that someone else did not make it.
When we rejoice in our good fortunes- a wedding, a birth, a siyum, a promotion- the emotions are both gratitude for the privilege of this milestone, and also, heightened consciousness of and empathy for those who are still yearning and praying for those very blessings.
We hear of the devastation this week in Syria and Turkey, at once incredibly grateful for our own safety and horrified by the incomprehensible suffering of “others.”
Jethro models being able to hold space for that dialectic, the “yes and.”
The seemingly opposing energies that mutually define and complement one another.
The yin and the yang, the joy and the trembling.
The relief and the grief that are intrinsic to the humanity of caring about others, encompassing G-d’s
Oneness in creation and in our collective soul.
*For more mental health perspectives, you might enjoy: Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com