The Unconsummated Couple

 

 

They present for therapy with so much shame, sometimes blaming themselves, sometimes each other, or just one of them, often feeling like they’re the only ones who can’t “figure this out.”

 
 
 

They are the “unconsummated.”

 
 
 

The couples who got married with little or no prior sexual experience, often inadequate or inaccurate preparatory education, and were told they needed to consummate immediately.

 
 
 

Sometimes they’ve only been married for a couple of months, sometimes a year or more. (This is not exaggeration.)

 
 
 

Is it his erection, her tightness, his frustration, her fear, their anxiety, repressed trauma, impatience, guilt, shame, pain?

 
 
 

Do they need doctors, medication, surgery, Rabbis, therapy, dilators?

 
 
 

They often feel pathologized, but there are so many; it’s a norm, really.

 
 
 

It’s often a cultural/religious/psychological/sexological/relational intersection.

 
 
 

Culturally/ religiously, there are norms and beliefs about refraining from sexual activity, or even touching before marriage. This can be, and often is an inspired way to sanctify the physical intimacy reserved for the exclusive commitment between spouses. But there is another religious teaching, requiring these newly sexual partners to have penetrative intercourse as immediately as possible. Again, for many, this can be and often is an inspired way to sanctify the erotic. But for many thousands of couples, this immediate transition is too difficult. Some are prepared that this is to be expected, to take their time. But many are pathologized, confused, even traumatized.

 
 
 

In general Western culture, where sexual activity has been de-sanctified and casualized, kids might experiment with a first kiss as early as elementary school. By middle school, they’re exploring a bit more. By high school they are gradually (or rapidly) expanding their sexual repertoires, and some hold out all the way til prom night for intercourse. For these teens, they’ve had approximately 4-6 years of “foreplay” to warm up, practice, discuss, and learn what feels good, what gets them aroused, what their bodies crave sexually, by the time they eventually “consummate.” While presenting its own set of very real challenges, dangers, and traumas, this is a norm that surrounds even the most insular religious communities and is portrayed, often as larger than life, and unrealistically, in the mainstream (and alternative) media. (This is not to suggest that it’s in any way wholesome or recommended for kids or young teens to be sexually active, but to illustrate that there is a natural learning curve, even in a very sexualized culture, when it does begin.)

 
 
 

In contrast, the average strictly religious young person in many communities may have had very limited interactions at all with members of the opposite gender. They’ve been discouraged, even forbidden, from masturbation or fantasy, and often date somewhat briefly before getting engaged. Sexual education is often minimal, hasty, and last minute. Again- this degree of abstinence and insulation can often be experienced as an inspired way to sanctify the body, the mind, relationships between the sexes, and their future exclusive relationships. And, sometimes, it can lead to newlywed spouses who have little or distorted sexual awareness when they actually marry, which can often create serious problems.

 
 
 

One of these very common problems is pain when intercourse finally does occur. Often this is because the body parts have technically “achieved” under pressure, what the rest of their bodies including their nervous systems might not be quite ready to do. This sad reality of painful intercourse can and often does go on for too long in many couples, depriving them of what can be a pleasurable and passionate experience.

 
 
 

(And sometimes “unconsummated” relationships and/ or sexual pain occur with people who have different backgrounds from the general profiles described above, religiously, culturally, or personally.)

 

So what can we do about this?

 
 
 

Well, first:

 
 
 

1. Knowledge is (sometimes:) power. If you were or are among the “unconsummated” please know that it’s not just you, it’s not your fault, and there is absolutely a strong possibility that if you and your partner are otherwise reasonably happy, healthy people and partners, you can still have a beautiful, mutually pleasurable, sexual relationship, including affection, outercourse, and intercourse.

 
 
 

2. Try not to blame yourselves or each other. This can be a stressor, and it can be tempting to point a finger, but generally, there is no one at fault. (Unless someone is acting abusively or coercively, in which case that individual is responsible for that behavior, which can certainly be a factor in sexual safety.) But assuming you’re both moral people who treat each other well, get in the habit of framing this (and most issues as): “I’m not the problem, you’re not the problem. The problem is the problem and we’re on the same team trying to figure out a solution.”

 
 
 

3. See a specialized professional. A general professional might not know the specific interventions you need for this particular issue. A non-professional even more so, even if “specialized.” There are physical, emotional, and relational factors that need to be considered. If you have concerns about how the advice you may be offered will intersect with your religious beliefs, values, and needs, then try to be sure that the professional is willing to work within those requirements and/ or can (help you or) collaborate with a religious expert of your choice. As with any area of medicine or therapy, it can sometimes take a few tries to find a professional who is a good fit for you and your needs.

 
 
 

4. Be kind, honest, and patient with your partner and yourself while on the journey. Be extra careful to nurture the relationship in other ways that feel good and not stressful, so that you can maintain the emotional intimacy, and whatever experiences of mutually pleasurable physical intimacy you have, while addressing your concerns.

 
 
 

There are many ways to find, explore, give, and experience pleasure. With the right support, education, and patience, both from professionals, and within your relationship, most couples can figure out what they need in order to have the kind of emotional and physical intimacy that’s not only pain-free but in harmony with your religious beliefs and predicated on mutual desire and pleasure.

 
 
 

*If you'd like to learn how to educate the next generation, or your own "inner child" about healthy, holy sexuality and intimacy, come check out the free sample lessons from this course: Sacred, Not Secret: A Religious Family's Guide to Healthy, Holy Sexuality Education

 

 
 



Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?

Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?


(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)


Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.


It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.


Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.


Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.


It’s determined by and customized to each couple.


There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)


When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.


Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?


The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)

The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.


Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:

“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.


I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.


It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.


Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!


The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”


Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.





Check out my course!

A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret

 

Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com