Rashi on Amud Aleph (“Lesey”) explains that an oath that Ploni will throw a stone may be considered a false oath, regardless of whether it comes to fruition or not, because the entire matter was out of his control. Such an oath, where you cannot realistically control the results, is seen de facto as false, because there is no true commitment to fulfillment. This is considered akin to the ruling that if one makes an oath that he will not sleep for three days, he is considered in violation immediately and also can go to sleep (Nedarim 15a). What’s done is done; it doesn’t matter whether he thinks he could stay awake or not since it’s impossible to stay awake for three days, it’s a false oath immediately.
Based on this principle, Sefer Merafsin Igra (292) asks, how could Yaakov make Yosef swear (Bereishis 47:30-31) to not bury him in Egypt? It was not fully under Yosef’s control because Egypt had a strong border and immigration policy. He could not leave without Pharaoh’s permission. Rav Shteiman gives a simple answer: perhaps the oath was that Yosef do everything in his power to see to it that he would not be buried in Egypt. Another approach offered is that it was mostly in Yosef’s power, as he had the ability to force Pharaoh’s hand. Rashi (ibid 50:6 and Sotah 36b) gives us an inside story behind Pharaoh’s reply: “Go up and bury your father, as he made you promise on oath.” Why the extra rueful words, “as he made you promise”? This hints at the following: Long ago, Yosef taught Pharaoh Hebrew, but was forced to swear never to reveal this to anyone, since Pharaoh maintained an image of a potent deity who knew all. Yosef may have said or implied, “If you do not value my oath to my father, why would I value my oath to you?”
An answer that occurs to me is that perhaps the oath was to refuse to bury Yaakov in Egypt. Meaning, even if Pharaoh would not give him permission, he could kind of go on a passive-aggressive strike and refuse to partake in the burial. That would possibly embarrass Pharaoh into relenting because we see from the description of his eulogy that Yaakov was a national figure, dear to the Egyptians as well (see Bereishis ch. 50).
I also have another question. What about the oath that Avraham made Eliezer affirm? Avraham states (Bereishis 24:3):
“I will make you swear by the God of heaven and the God of the earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites among whom I dwell.”
How would it be under Eliezer’s control if Rivka would choose to come or not? Once again, you could answer simply: the oath was NOT to take a Canaanite woman, not to necessarily make sure Yitschok gets a woman from Avraham’s family. However, there is a textual problem with that since it seems that Eliezer thought the oath was more extensive, as he asks (ibid 24:5): “What if the woman does not consent to follow me to this land, shall I then take your son back to the land from which you came?” This implies that at least Eliezer thought Avraham meant to obligate him to complete the mission.
However, I think this very question provides an answer to a different question. The Midrash (Bereishis Rabbah 59:9) sees Eliezer’s question as not so innocent, and it actually reveals a personal agenda. Eliezer wanted Avraham to give his daughter in marriage to his son, and so, in a certain way, Eliezer was feeling out Avraham if there is a way that the oath can be sidestepped, “just in case” he could not find a suitable match abroad. We might wonder, how did our sages pick up on this malicious intent? It might be stemming from the extra verbiage and faux concern. That is, why is Eliezer acting so pious and concerned that he may not be able to fulfill the oath, when the oath was really only to refrain from marrying Yitschok to a Canaanite? This itself might hint at the agenda.
Psychologically speaking, we do see that when people over-talk, there is some anxiety or unvoiced need that isn’t being addressed. Perhaps they are ashamed or afraid to speak openly, hence, they keep talking but don’t get to a point. As an important communication tool, if you ever find yourself in a conversation with somebody who seems to be repeating himself over and over again, there might be something that he’s anxious about that he is either too afraid to articulate or too afraid to even face within himself. It could be helpful, with a properly respectful and compassionate tone, to say something like, “It seems like you’re saying something over and over again, and there’s probably a reason for that. I’m wondering if there’s something that’s harder for you to put into words that you’re trying to say?” If it’s done correctly and respectfully, it can be an upgrade in relationships and communication.
Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation
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Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, LMFT, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com