Dear Therapist:

B”H Hashem has blessed us with many wonderful grandchildren. The other blessing is that they enjoy spending time with us.

My husband is a caring, generous, loving, and devoted grandfather.

He often criticizes the teenage boys. Although they take it in good stride it bothers me very much. I feel he should be complimenting them much more. Every teenage boy needs chizuk and that should be our main goal. My husband says that they know how much we love them and that they know he means their benefit.

How can I convince him that praise will yield better results? Our focus should be to build their self-esteem.

Thanks for your informative column. It is greatly appreciated.

Response:

You’re asking a general question and making general observations. You mentioned that every teenage boy needs chizuk, or support. Although this is undoubtably true, the extent to which each teenager—or each person regardless of age—needs support can vary greatly. Additionally, each person’s interpretation of your husband’s criticism can differ significantly.

There is a reciprocal relationship between our interpretation of others’ actions and comments and our internalization of these. If I generally have low self-esteem, I’m more likely to interpret others’ comments as negative judgement. This can cause me to internalize these comments and further reinforce my negative sense of self. This, in turn, perpetuates my tendency to negatively interpret others’ actions.

Your interpretation of your husband’s comments appears to be negative. Are you perhaps projecting your interpretation onto them? It seems that your husband isn’t negatively judging your grandsons. Rather, he loves them and means well. His interpretation of his own comments appears to be significantly more positive than yours. What are your grandsons’ interpretations?

You described your husband’s comments as criticism. You also said that your grandsons take his comments in stride. Of course, it’s difficult to know how much they truly take in stride—and how much they take inside (play on words intended). But taken at face value, his criticism appears not to have a strong negative effect. They seem to recognize that he is not looking down at them. The fact that his criticism is evenly spread can also help them see it as constructive rather than judgmental. It can also help them to be objective about the fact that this is simply his way of disciplining (that it’s about him, not them).

Is your husband’s assertion that your grandsons understand his intentions just an assumption? Or is there reason to believe that they truly do? Does he balance criticism with support? Are his love and support clear in other ways? Do they receive positive messages from their parents? If your grandsons recognize their place in their grandfather’s heart, they’re more likely to see his criticism for what it is—constructive and non-judgmental.

Is criticism always bad? Does it have no place in a teenager’s life? Do we coddle our children (and grandchildren) to the point where they can’t handle constructive criticism? I don’t know your grandsons, so I can’t speak to their individual issues and needs. There are many aspects that should be considered—but on an individual basis.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

 psychotherapist in private practice

 Woodmere, NY

 adjunct professor at Touro University

 Graduate School of Social Work

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200