Dear Therapist:

Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful column.

I’m curious about how to understand the difference between a close, meaningful friendship and one that may be overly dependent or emotionally intense. In close relationships, it’s natural to want to spend time together and share thoughts and experiences—but is there a point where that closeness becomes unhealthy?

What are some signs that an attachment to a friend may be too strong or limiting in some way? And how can someone work on developing healthier emotional boundaries while still maintaining a strong, supportive friendship?

Response:

You didn’t describe a specific relationship, so I don’t know whether your question relates to a particular friendship, to your relationships in general, or if it’s more academic in nature. As such, I’ll respond briefly and in general terms.

To help distinguish between a healthy and unhealthy emotion, I often ask people to consider the difference between emotional “wants” and “needs.” For the sake of this response, I’ll define a “need” as something rooted in an unconscious impulse—typically triggered by unresolved trauma, fear, insecurity, or similar internal conflicts.

As with other emotionally driven areas, the primary difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships often hinges on the extent to which a connection is based on want versus need. For instance, imagine that I have a strong unconscious need to control situations due to a turbulent or abusive childhood. I may develop a close friendship with someone who allows themselves to be controlled. If my connection to this person is largely driven by that need for control, the relationship is likely unhealthy. Rather than addressing and resolving my childhood issues, I’m perpetuating and reinforcing them through this dynamic. If my friend has an unconscious need to be controlled, this could easily develop into a co-dependent relationship, where we’re both meeting problematic needs to our long-term detriment.

Of course, as with most things, wants and needs exist on a spectrum. There are very few relationships—perhaps none—that are completely based on either needs or wants. Most contain elements of both. Different relationships are more weighted in one direction than the other.

Our goal isn’t to have purely want-based relationships, but rather to increase our self-awareness. As we recognize our emotional needs, we can find more adaptive ways of meeting them. As our unconscious needs are resolved, we gradually shift toward relationships based more on genuine desire than compulsion. This, in turn, leads to greater happiness and emotional health.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

 psychotherapist in private practice

 Woodmere, NY

 adjunct professor at Touro University

 Graduate School of Social Work

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200