Our Gemara on Amud Aleph uses an aphorism to illustrate the idea of loyalty and support from a wife to a husband, which transcends a particular religious status:
There was an incident involving a certain woman who married a chaver (a sage who belonged to a society of sages who accepted certain vows of piety, such as eating all food with purity requirements as if it were Terumah). This woman would faithfully tie his Tefilin on his hand. She later married a tax collector and would tie his tax-seals on his hand.
In Talmudic society, the tax collector wasn’t merely a despised profession for obvious reasons, but they often were believed to be thieves as well, as they appropriated more than their due (Shevuos 39a). So this woman went from being married to a revered member of society to the most loathsome. She goes from assisting her husband with Tefilin, venerated object, to assisting her next husband with his profane tax instruments. Still, she remained loyal.
Another example comes from Gemara Nedarim (66b), which is the ancient Palestinian version of “Amelia Bedelia”:
She was a simple but devout woman, and had difficulty comprehending the difference between her husband’s dialect and hers leading to numerous frustrating encounters. Perhaps, she was what we would call today, “on the spectrum,” in that she might have been too literal. As the story goes, one time her husband asked for botzina (melon) and she gave him lamps, which is what botzina meant in her Palestinian dialect of Aramaic. Her husband became furious and declared that she should smash the lamps on the bava (doorpost). As fate would have it, a prominent sage was passing through town who was named Bava the son of Buta. She promptly smashed the lamps on his head.
You could imagine the scene. A great sage, publicly humiliated with oil and ash from the lamp dripping down his head and clothes in front of his entourage of students and followers. Bava ben Buta calmly inquires, “What’s this about?” The woman proceeds to tell him her story, and Bava ben Buta realized she was a simple, devout woman merely trying to follow her husband’s bidding. He then blesses her and sends her on her way. The Talmud tells us that as a result of this blessing she merited to have two sons who became great sages and tzaddikim.
In both of these instances, the husbands were not particularly moral models, yet the wives achieved piety because of their simple devotion and support of their husbands. Some people may find this sexist and irritating, and of course, gender roles can be used as an excuse for psychological enslavement. However, there is also a deep truth to masculine and feminine roles and many humans find a sense of contentment, love and security by honoring those roles and instincts.
For example, Laura Doyle’s The Surrendered Wife principles focus on empowering women to improve their marriages by letting go of controlling behaviors and embracing a dynamic that encourages mutual respect and traditional gender roles.
Relinquish Inappropriate Control:
Doyle argues that women often inadvertently control their husbands through criticism, micromanaging, or trying to “fix” their behavior. This can include correcting how they do chores, questioning their decisions, or offering unsolicited advice.
Surrendering means stepping back from these habits and allowing your husband to take the lead. The goal is to create space for him to feel trusted and respected, which Doyle claims inspires men to step up as leaders.
Example: Instead of telling your husband how to handle a situation, express your needs and trust his approach, even if it differs from yours.
Respect His Leadership:
Respect is central to Doyle’s philosophy. She suggests women treat their husbands as capable decision-makers, even in areas like finances, parenting, or household responsibilities.
This doesn’t mean blind agreement but rather refraining from undermining his choices. For instance, if he makes a financial decision you’re unsure about, discuss it calmly rather than challenging his authority.
Doyle emphasizes that respect boosts a man’s confidence, encouraging him to take initiative and prioritize the relationship.
Express Gratitude and Appreciation:
Regularly acknowledge your husband’s contributions, whether it’s providing for the family, helping with tasks, or showing affection. Doyle believes gratitude reinforces positive behavior and deepens emotional intimacy.
Example: Saying “Thank you for working so hard for us” or “I appreciate you taking care of the yard” can make him feel valued and motivated to do more.
Prioritize Self-Care and Personal Happiness:
Doyle encourages women to focus on their own well-being—emotionally, physically, and mentally. This includes pursuing hobbies, maintaining personal appearance, and nurturing friendships.
By being fulfilled independently, women become more attractive and less likely to rely on their husbands for validation, creating a healthier dynamic.
Example: Taking time for a hobby or dressing up for yourself can boost your confidence, which in turn positively impacts the relationship.
Receive Graciously:
Accept your husband’s efforts—whether gifts, compliments, or help—without critique or deflection. For instance, if he buys you something you don’t love, thank him sincerely rather than pointing out flaws.
This principle aligns with Doyle’s belief that men want to feel needed and appreciated. Receiving graciously reinforces their desire to give.
Communicate Vulnerably:
Instead of demanding or manipulating, express your feelings and needs in a vulnerable, non-confrontational way. For example, say, “I feel overwhelmed and could use some help” rather than “You never help around the house.”
This approach invites your husband to respond with care and leadership, fostering collaboration rather than conflict.
Let Him Lead Financially:
Doyle advocates for husbands taking the lead on financial decisions, even if the wife earns income. This doesn’t mean relinquishing all input but rather trusting his judgment on major financial matters.
Example: Discuss budgets together, but avoid controlling or second-guessing his financial choices unless absolutely necessary.
Embrace Feminine Energy:
Doyle emphasizes cultivating qualities like warmth, nurturing, and softness to complement a husband’s masculine energy. This doesn’t mean suppressing strength but rather balancing it with vulnerability and receptivity.
She argues this dynamic creates attraction and encourages husbands to take on protective, providing roles.
Avoid Mothering Your Husband:
Treating your husband like a child—by reminding him of tasks, correcting his behavior, or managing his schedule—can diminish his sense of autonomy. Doyle advises treating him as a competent partner instead.
Example: Instead of reminding him to take out the trash, trust he’ll handle it or express your need without directing him.
Set Respectful Boundaries:
While surrendering control, it’s important to maintain your own boundaries. If something bothers you, express it respectfully, focusing on your feelings rather than his shortcomings.
Example: Instead of saying, “You’re always late,” try, “I feel anxious when we’re running behind; can we plan to leave earlier next time?”
However, if women are to be women, men must be men. What might be masculine characteristics that complement the feminine qualities that Laura Doyle espouses? A masculine counterpart would respond to the feminine support and trust by being responsible, loving leaders who prioritize their wife’s happiness and the relationship’s intimacy.
Lead with Confidence: Take initiative in decision-making, especially in finances and family direction, while remaining open to your wife’s input.
Provide and Protect: Embrace your role as a provider and protector, ensuring your wife feels secure and valued.
Express Gratitude: Regularly acknowledge your wife’s contributions, from nurturing the family to her personal efforts, to foster mutual appreciation.
Respond to Vulnerability: When your wife expresses needs or emotions, respond with care and action rather than withdrawing or becoming defensive.
Encourage Her Growth: Support your wife’s self-care and personal fulfillment, recognizing that her happiness strengthens the marriage.
Cultivate Intimacy: Prioritize emotional and physical connection, responding to her openness with attentiveness and affection.
Model Respect: Treat your wife with dignity, avoiding criticism or control, to create a safe space for mutual trust.
Following roles and expectations and rules in the wrong way or out of disempowerment is destructive.
However, one can also harness the power, security and pleasure that comes from honoring these roles. Knowing who you are and how you work with certain structures is not necessarily oppressive, but instead liberating. As it states in Avos (6:2) about the Torah rules and covenant:
And the tablets were the work of God, and the writing was the writing of God, graven (charus) upon the tablets” (Exodus 32:16). Read not charus [‘graven’] but cherus [‘freedom’].
Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation
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Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, LMFT, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com