Dear Therapist:
We recently had our first baby, and while baruch Hashem everything went smoothly, it’s definitely been an adjustment. Right now, we’re staying at my parents’ house for a little extra support, which has helped a lot.
Lately, my husband mentioned that he’s thinking about sleeping at our apartment some nights so he can get better rest. He says it would help him function better during the day and be more present. I understand where he’s coming from, but it really bothered me. It feels off to me—like something a husband just shouldn’t do, especially with a newborn.
Am I being too sensitive? I want to be understanding, but I also want to feel like I’m not doing this alone. I would appreciate your opinions on this. Thank you.
Response:
Mazal Tov! Although a first child can be exciting and exhilarating, it can also be overwhelming. There are no “rules” for what anyone should feel. Common emotions include happiness, fear, sadness, and even melancholy.
You seem to be wondering what’s normal in your situation. But is the norm really the point? Would you feel better if you were told that it’s perfectly normal for young parents to sleep separately?
You’re asking whether your husband’s actions are appropriate—but you also seem to be questioning the appropriateness of your own feelings. You wonder whether you’re being too sensitive, as if your emotions are up for debate… as if they only matter if others agree that they should.
You say you want to be understanding, but do you know why your husband is considering sleeping alone at your apartment? He says it’s to get better rest. If that’s truly the reason, how do you feel about it? And does he know how you feel?
If your husband simply has trouble sleeping—and therefore functioning—while in a house with a newborn, what will happen once you move back to your apartment? Might there be other reasons he wants to sleep at home? Have you asked him? If, for example, he felt uncomfortable staying long-term at your parents’ house, would that change your perspective? Would it affect how long you want to remain there? Would you talk with him about that?
Are your concerns less about logistics and more about your relationship? Are you perhaps feeling that he seems less committed to your new family than you had hoped?
The questions you’re asking suggest that some of these discussions may not have taken place. You seem to be making assumptions and wondering about your husband’s motivations, rather than having open conversations about your thoughts, feelings, and concerns. He may be doing the same. If so, it’s important to consider what’s making either of you hesitant. Are you afraid of his response? Worried that he’ll be upset by your questions?
If your concerns are rooted in your own insecurities, that’s something to acknowledge. Ask yourself whether your fears are worse than the cost of avoiding an honest relationship. On the other hand, if your concerns are based on past experiences with your husband, that’s something the two of you may need to address—on your own or with the help of a marriage counselor.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200