Dear Therapist:

I’ve always felt more myself around my friends than with family. With friends, I feel understood and comfortable. With family, it’s more tense—I feel judged or like I have to be careful.

Recently, I chose to go to a close friend’s simcha instead of a family event, and my family was really upset. They said I was choosing friends over family, and maybe I was. But the truth is, I often feel more emotionally connected to my friends than to my own siblings.

Is that something to be concerned about? Am I just avoiding hard family dynamics, or is it okay that I feel closer to people outside my family?

Response:

I think you’ve touched on an important concern that goes beyond your specific question. We’re often faced with situations in life that are unpleasant or uncomfortable. While each one should be addressed individually, there’s a broader question that often underlies them: should we avoid things that bother us, or should we address them in order to change their impact on us?

You’re asking whether it’s okay for you to choose friends over family. But that question is best approached from this broader perspective.

What is your purpose in avoiding family? You speak of tension and feeling judged. Perhaps these feelings are rooted more in your own insecurities. If you grew up feeling inadequate, those feelings might be closely tied to your family dynamic—so that simply being around family members brings them to the surface. That could explain why you feel judged in those moments.

Or perhaps your family really does judge you. Maybe they do view you as inadequate. Does that mean you should avoid the feelings this brings up (never mind avoiding the family members themselves)? Or might this be an opportunity to confront and challenge those feelings?

You seem not to feel inadequate around your friends. I’d assume that’s because you don’t judge yourself harshly. If that’s the case, logic would suggest that you “shouldn’t” feel badly about yourself around family—or anyone else—either.

But of course, logic has little to do with triggered emotions. When we feel embarrassed, insulted, ashamed, or judged, our childhood-based unconscious minds tend to take over. They tell us how to feel—without letting us pause to consider what’s actually happening.

There are two important questions I think you should ask yourself. First, more generally: do I want to avoid discomfort, or do I want to try working through it? And second, more specifically: will avoiding my family be more helpful in the long run—or will it be more helpful to work through the feelings they trigger?

It’s worth remembering that any difficult feeling triggered by one situation can also be triggered by another. Avoiding your family may bring immediate relief. But it may also mean avoiding the underlying issue—your feelings of inadequacy. The more those emotions remain buried, the harder they will be to address when they inevitably resurface.

That said, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you must deal with your family directly in order to work on difficult feelings. Sometimes, you can begin addressing an issue from a different angle. For instance, if you’re strongly triggered by family but only mildly by a co-worker, you might start by working through those feelings in the less intense context. Over time, this progress can transfer to your family relationships as well.

We can all benefit from working on our insecurities. How you choose to work on yours is entirely up to you. As long as you’re not suppressing problematic emotions—and as long as you’re being honest with yourself—you can make real progress, in your own way and at your own pace.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

 psychotherapist in private practice

 Woodmere, NY

 adjunct professor at Touro University

 Graduate School of Social Work

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200