Our Gemara on Amud Aleph discusses one who buys a slave from an idolatrous gentile household. As per Jewish law, the servant now becomes obligated in mitzvos. The question is: When can we safely allow him to touch wine without fear of yayin nesech?
Rav Naḥman said in the name of Shmuel: Even if the slaves were circumcised and immersed, they still render the wine forbidden, as they are accustomed to idolatry, until reference to idol worship disappears from their mouths.
How long does this take? Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi says: Twelve months.
This twelve-month period appears in other areas of halacha and human experience as the time it takes to forget or transition. For example, Gemara Berachos (58b) teaches:
Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi said: One who sees a friend after thirty days recites Shehecheyanu. One who sees his friend after twelve months recites Mechaye HaMeisim.
Rav explains: “A dead person is only forgotten from the heart after twelve months” (Tehillim 31:13).
The Rashash adds that lost objects are also considered fully despaired of after twelve months.
Secular research also supports a typical grief cycle of up to twelve months before a person regains normal function, though sadness may persist. (Grief and Prolonged Grief Disorder, Schoo et al., NCBI Bookshelf.) Psychologists distinguish several forms of grief:
- Grief – the emotional expression of loss
- Mourning – the psychological adjustment to the loss
- Anticipatory grief – grieving before an expected loss
- Disenfranchised grief – when the loss is socially unacknowledged (e.g., suicide stigma, early miscarriage)
- Prolonged complex grief – when grief is extended by unresolved circumstances (e.g., a missing person, prolonged coma).
A biblical example of prolonged grief is Yaakov’s inability to be comforted after Yosef’s disappearance (Bereishis 37:35, Rashi). The Midrash explains he could not accept full mourning because he had an intuition that Yosef was still alive.
Disenfranchised and prolonged grief often require additional support, as they involve barriers—emotional, social, or both—to normal mourning. The barriers may involve unresolved, anger, shame, or guilt related to aspects of the loss, thereby interfering in the full acceptance and processing of the loss. Sensitivity and non-judgmental validation from loved ones are essential, as is the mourner’s courage to face the full range of feelings, both rational and irrational.
Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation
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Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, LMFT, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com