Our Gemara on Amud Aleph uses a phrase to describe a city with fully secured borders so inhabitants would know when any new person enters. The city is described as having “double doors and a crossbar” — in Hebrew, delasayim ubariach.
This phrase, delasayim ubariach, is a paraphrase from a biblical verse describing the fortified cities of the Canaanites (Devarim 3:5): “All those towns were fortified with high walls, gates, and bars…”
This metaphor of fortification—a barrier with a crossbar—is also used to describe internal self-control. The Mishna in Avos (4:1) defines a true hero: “Who overcomes and masters his yetzer and impulses.” Yeyn Levanon (ibid) references Mishle (16:32): “One who is patient and forbearing is better than being mighty; one who has self-control is superior to one who conquers a city.” Yeyn Levanon explains that a warrior uses anger to attack—an outbreak and externalization of inner forces. This warrior fights an external battle, projecting internal impulses outward. Though he conquers a city, he is in a sense an open city, as what is inside bursts outward. But a righteous person is a fortified city because he reins in his impulses, having “double doors with a crossbar” to hold in anger when self-control is appropriate.
This is why a person with self-control is superior to a warrior who conquers a city—the self-control is mastery over internal forces, keeping them in their proper place.
Anger is the junk food of emotions. Just as when feeling low self-control we turn to comfort foods that are cheap, easy, and give a quick thrill, anger allows us to feel strong and powerful. But like junk food, this power is often illusory. Behind anger lie more subtle emotions such as fear, vulnerability, betrayal, and grief. When we hold anger constructively to allow these subtler, vulnerable emotions to be experienced and expressed, we open a healthier gateway to confront loved ones and be confronted ourselves—leading to better relationships.
Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation
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Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, LMFT, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com