Our Gemara on Amud Aleph, within the context of of a discussion of various thoughts or actions that could invalidate a sacrifice, wonders if a sacrifice that is delayed also becomes invalidated. What is a delayed sacrifice? If one pledges to offer a sacrifice, it is forbidden to delay past three festivals (Rosh Hashanah 4a.) Although the Gemara rules it is not invalidated, Tosafos finds the question itself difficult. Tosafos wonders why should there even be a thought that it would be disqualified? The Shittah Mekubetzes (26) explains that the Gemara thought to compare it to another time based rule, that an animal which is meant to be brought in its first year cannot be brought in year two.
Regardless, we see that the adage, “Better late than never”, applies at least in regard to the rules of pledges. This is reminiscent of an important relationship dynamic labeled by John Gottman, PhD., the renowned marriage researcher and expert. Gottman found that a critical stabilizing factor in relationships is the ability to accept repair attempts. This is different than apologies, as in his research, he found most people attempt to apologize. That is not the problem. The problem is, when the person apologizes or makes some offer at repair such as a smile or kind gesture, it gets rejected.
The urge to reject the gesture is understandable. Perhaps there are doubts about the degree of sincerity or a feeling of “too little too late.” Yet, the wiser thing to do is not to fully reject such an act. If need be, say “Thank you, this is an important start. We have more to process and work out but I appreciate this and for now let’s carry on like normal until we can talk more.”
Hashem accepts repair attempts, so should we!
Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation
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Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, LMFT, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com