Our Mishna on Amud Beis discusses the sin offering brought on Rosh Chodesh. We have discussed in other articles various reasons for this sin offering and what it atones for. The Levush (OC 422) offers a different reason that I had not seen before. He says it provides specific atonement and protection that children should not die of askara, a disease that was a major cause of infant mortality. Mateh Moshe (524) says this is hinted at in the Musaf liturgy, “Zman Kapparah Lechol Toldosam,” which can be read as, “A time of atonement for all the offspring.”

While in modern times the incidence of child and infant mortality is relatively rare, it is not unheard of. Let us study some of the effects of such a devastating event in order to be better attuned and able to support friends or loved ones who sustain such a loss.

One of the unique challenges regarding this kind of loss is that the death of a child defies the expected order of life events. Many parents experience the event as a challenge to basic existential assumptions. When a non-routine loss is experienced, it undermines a basic sense of safety. This crisis leads parents to question many assumptions once taken for granted, such as stability, fairness, and moral order. Grief has been described as the loss of an “assumptive world,” in that the generalized sense of predictability and stability of the world has been challenged (Emmons, Colby, & Kaiser, 1998; Gilbert, 1997).

Additionally, while fathers may love their children equally, society—and particularly religious traditional cultures—offers men other roles and forms of fulfillment that strengthen identity equal to parenting, such as career or leadership in religious observance. However, a mother who loses a child, is likely to feel robbed of a basic sense of competency and purpose. Indeed, according to one study, maternal risk of hospitalization remained significantly elevated five years or more after a child death.

A particularly challenging situation is early miscarriage. Because of privacy concerns, friends and family may not even know about such a loss, and due to the subjective nature of the pain, loved ones may unintentionally trivialize the issue as they struggle to understand its deep personal effect. One mother may not think much of an early miscarriage while another might be devastated.

Religious rituals that memorialize the child, and especially ways that help the parents find meaning in the loss, are helpful in the long run, though they can be damaging when poorly timed or if the parents feel rushed to “move on and get over it.” The pangs of raw grief often need time to process before a broader perspective is possible. Of course, there is tremendous variability in how long that takes—from weeks to years—based on overall personality, prior traumas, and current stressors.

The common wisdom and psychological research support the notion of attempting to have another child. However, like the above, timing is critical. Since having a child is something both parents must decide jointly, it can be a source of tension when one parent is ready or even urgently feels the need to start again, while the other is still reeling from the loss and unable to be vulnerable yet in this way. Similarly, disparities in intuitive coping strategies can lead to tension and alienation in a couple. One spouse might desperately need to reminisce, while the other may desperately need to avoid or move toward more positive feelings. Neither form of coping is pathological; it is just different. In psychological literature, they are known as “attenders” and “distractors.” The greater difficulty for a couple arises when these coping styles clash, leading to painful discord.

Grief counseling or marital grief counseling can be helpful in making space for both the couple’s and the individual’s emotional processes. Providing education and support about the typical experiences of grief and helping negotiate the different coping styles of grief and recovery are key.