Around this time of year, we read how Yizchok and Rivka brought Eisav and Yaakov into the world. As we consider the fraught interactions between these four Biblical figures, we likely notice more than one dyadic relationship.
Many of us pay close attention to the relationship between Eisav and Yaakov, in terms of good and evil, dominance and submission. Some of us puzzle over how the superficial, materialistic Eisav was favored by the profoundly spiritual Yitzchok. We might speculate about the apparent absence of communication between Yitzchok and Rivka.
There is one pairing, though, that garners little, if any, attention. What do we know about Eisav’s relationship with Rivka?
The Chassam Sofer, in writing about the Mitzvah of Shiluach Haken (sending away the mother bird, when taking a nest’s eggs), draws a remarkable parallel:
The Mitzvah to refrain from taking Ha’em al Habanim (mother along with her children: Devarim 22:6 ) is the antidote to Eisav’s cruel intention to smite Yaakov’s family Em al Banim (mother alongside of children: Beraishis 32:12). According to Chassam Sofer, the ultimate cruelty is murdering a child and mother, alongside each other.
At this stage, we might ask: Was there anything in Eisav’s life experience that would diminish his capacity to show compassion for a mother alongside her child? A good starting point is a careful examination of the relationship between Eisav and his mother, Rivka. Might there be an untold story about their connection?
(I share the following thoughts, relying, in part, on Ramban, who sketched a causal relationship between Sarah Imenu’s harsh treatment of Hagar and the Yishmaelim’s later maltreatment of Jews. I recall how Rav S R Hirsch daringly attributed errant Chinuch/education choices, made by Yitzchok and Rivka, to Eisav’s outcome. I’m, in the least, writing in the spirit of Netziv who characterized Rivka’’s difficulty directly communicating with Yitzchok as a situation orchestrated by Hashem to bring about the tumultuous, even cataclysmic manner in which Yaakov received his Berachos.)
So, what do we know about the connection between Eisav and his mother?
We do know that Eisav entrusted Rifka with his treasured garments, Bigdei Chamudos. It is easy to see, at least from Eisav’s perspective, how Rifka betrayed his trust. She gave over the special garments to Yaakov. To make matters worse, she did so, in the service of diverting Yitzchak’s blessings from Eisav to Yaakov.
Earlier, we read about how Yitzchok may have loved Eisav, but Rifka loves Yaakov. Might not Eisav himself have sensed that his mother loved him less, if at all.
Rivka knew, in a visceral way, that Eisav had a predisposition for trouble. It showed up in her turbulent pregnancy and her need to seek clarity.
Moreover, we are taught that, even as Rivka Davened for children, alongside Yitzchok, it was not her Tefillah that was answered. What does this mean?
I believe a hint is nestled in Chazal’s statement. “There is no comparison between the prayers of a Tzaddik ben Tzaddik (righteous child of a righteous parent) and the prayers of a Tzaddik ben Rasha (righteous child of a wicked parent).”
A traditional meaning of their dictum is that the latter’s Tefillah has more potency than does the former’s, and that’s because the additive effect of two generations of piety outweighs the effect of a single generation’s piety.
I suspect that Chazal are also hinting at a qualitative difference between the prayers of the two. A Tzaddik ben Tzaddik can pray for children, without any inhibitions or reservations. After all, their world is primarily populated by the righteous. On the other hand, a Tzaddik ben Rasha’s Tefillah is tempered by the fear that another Rasha - just like Dad - will be brought into the world. Perhaps, the Tzaddik ben Rasha is specifically Davening for only a Tzaddik - not a Rasha - to be born.
Were this the case, then Rivka’s Tefillah was, in fact, not answered: She did bring a Rasha into the world
To summarize. Eisav’s experience of Rivka was betrayal (her appropriating his special cloak for her and Yaakov’s ruse), a sense of being unloved, a sense that she was viscerally troubled by his presence, even while just in her womb. He may have even sensed that she had specifically prayed not to have a child like him.
Eisav undoubtedly had a predisposition, independent of Rivka, toward unfettered passion and idol worship. Moreover, he made harmful, destructive life choices. All the same. it seems safe to conclude (and here I am dipping into the style of Netziv) that Hashem orchestrated a painful, disconnected life-path for him - one that would lead him to question the attachment of a mother to the child she’s borne. It was, at least, in part, his Divine destiny to reach the epitome of cruelty, of “Perhaps he will smite me, mother along with children.”.
What lessons can we take from all of this? For one, let us not be too quick to judge,when we witness a child veering from the path of his parents. We don’t fully know the life circumstances of the child or of his parents. Just as we likely wouldn’t dare to judge Rivka Imenu, let us not rush to judge our contemporaries.
I’d like to pivot away from the bystanders and address the parents, particularly parents who are devout in their observance: You may have longed to bring into the world a future Talmid Chacham, a future Tzaddik. How do you respond, when your child seems headed on a different path, when, despite your most fervent prayers, your child is uninterested in Torah study, when they even seem indifferent to a Torah lifestyle?
Please know that your child is neither slated nor fated for the outcome of Eisav. Please recognize that it was only Yitzcok and Rivka’s generation that was obliged to bring a cruel, evil child into the world.
From Yaakov and onward, Hashem allows for Mitah Shelaimah. Parents are permitted, even encouraged, to love each child they’ve been given, to cherish each of their children, to recognize that all their children possess the potential for spiritual growth, each in their own way. In summary, the tragic inescapable narrative of Rifka and Eisav is not one that we are bound to repeat.
May we love and cherish all of our children. May we find Nachas from each and every one of them.
GLOSSARY OF TERMS:
Beraishis Genesis
Daven Pray
Chazal Rabbis of the Talmud
Devarim Deuteronomy
Hashem G-d
Imenu (our) Matriarch
Mittah Shelaimah Satisfactory offspring (literally a complete bed)
Mitzvah Commandment
Nachas Pride and contentment
Rasha Wicked person
Talmid Chacham Learned person
Tefillah Prayer
Tzaddik Righteous person
GLOSSARY OF COMMENTATORS
Chassam Sofer Early 19th century Austro Hungarian Rabbi
Netziv 19th century: Dean of Volozhin Yeshiva
Ramban 13th century: Rabbi and Kabbalist in Spain and Israel
Rav SR Hirsch 19th century leader of German Orthodoxy