Dear Therapist:

I got married recently, baruch Hashem, and overall things are good. My wife and I get along well, I’m happy to be building a life with her, and I’m grateful for what I have. But at the same time, I’ve been feeling stuck lately.

Before marriage, I felt like I was really growing—in learning, in personal development, in self-awareness. I had space to think, dream, and work on myself. Particularly, when I was in Yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel. Now, there are added stresses at home and between that and trying to be a good husband, I feel like I’m always running, just trying to keep up. I miss that sense of movement and growth, and sometimes I even feel trapped, like my life suddenly got very small. It is a very frustrating feeling that is not bringing out the best in me. Is this normal? How do I deal with this feeling? How do I bring back that feeling of growth and freedom without ignoring the real-life responsibilities I’ve taken on?

Response:

I’m not certain whether your issue relates to adjustment, sense of self, being overwhelmed, or simply not enjoying being married as much as you enjoyed being single. I’ll assume that some aspects of each are combining to affect your general feelings toward married life.

When several issues blend together in our minds, we often don’t identify them individually or deal with them directly. Especially when we feel overwhelmed or highly emotional, we tend to just feel without clarifying why. This creates two problems. First, it forces us to confront everything at once—which only heightens the sense of being overwhelmed and can sabotage our efforts to address anything at all. Second, we often don’t realize there are multiple factors involved, so we focus only on the most obvious one.

When that happens, we assume our level of emotion must be caused entirely by that single issue. This can lead us to dismiss our emotions (“I shouldn’t be feeling this strongly about this”) or to judge ourselves for being “too emotional” about something that seems minor. That’s why it’s important to acknowledge each possible issue and deal with it separately.

You may notice issues I haven’t mentioned, and the ones I’ve suggested might not apply to you. Still, here are a few possibilities to consider.

I don’t know what your feelings were about getting married—whether you were truly ready or felt, in some way, compelled. If you entered marriage without fully considering the changes and whether you genuinely wanted them, that can easily create feelings of ambivalence. Ambivalence, in turn, makes it harder to adjust. And if you’re struggling to adjust while also feeling unsure about your decision, the entire situation can start to feel overwhelming.

That doesn’t mean you don’t want to be married. It may simply mean that these various factors are combining to amplify your emotions. If you can honestly and objectively identify each issue and work through them one at a time, you’ll likely find your feelings become clearer, more manageable—and less overwhelming.

-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW

 psychotherapist in private practice

 Woodmere, NY

 adjunct professor at Touro University

 Graduate School of Social Work

 author of Self-Esteem: A Primer

 www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200