Dear Therapist:
I’m writing about my 6-year-old son, who started his second year of school. He’s usually a happy, easygoing kid, and last year went well overall.
But since school started, he’s been refusing to go in the mornings and sharing strange fears—like the bus getting lost, getting in trouble, or even the police showing up. When he gets anxious, he becomes really upset and hard to calm down. He also seems to misinterpret things he hears, which makes him more fearful.
His rebbi says he’s doing great in class and hasn’t noticed anything concerning. But at home, he gets stuck on these worries, and it’s been confusing and a bit worrying.
Should we be seeking professional help? Could this just be a phase? And at home, should we keep reassuring him or gently push him forward?
Thanks so much for your guidance.
Response:
It can be disconcerting when a young child shares their fears with their parents. As parents, we want our kids to be happy. I’m glad that you’re giving thoughtful consideration to how best to respond. Often, parents have a knee-jerk reaction to children’s concerns. That reaction may be to reprimand the child for entertaining such “silly” notions. This typically accomplishes little and can even push the child to deal with future fears on their own. While this might appear to solve the problem on the surface, it usually just kicks the can down the road—typically with a snowball effect (to mix metaphors).
Sometimes, parents go to the other extreme—discussing and analyzing the fears with their child. Remember that a young child’s reasoning, assumptions, triggers, fears, and associations are very different from an adult’s. This kind of discussion can actually reinforce the issue, solidifying it in the child’s mind and making it feel more real. Although the overt message may be that the fear is unfounded, the child may internalize the idea that the fear itself is significant and worthy of discussion and explanation.
You mentioned a few “strange fears,” but these are more common than you might think. They may seem strange only because they appear unconnected. Often, though, there’s a single underlying fear that gives rise to various branches which don’t seem related at first glance.
One common childhood fear is of losing a parent—or being alone. This type of fear can lead to seemingly unconnected worries. For instance, fear of getting lost clearly relates to separation anxiety. A child may fear getting in trouble because they worry about parental disapproval or even rejection. Fear of the police could also connect to the same underlying fear of being separated from their parents.
More broadly, children need to feel safe. There are many reasons a child might feel that their safety isn’t guaranteed—something they heard on the news, overheard at home, discussed in school, or any number of things that make sense only from a child’s perspective.
Many of these fears aren’t created or understood consciously. Most often, there are associations, insecurities, and misunderstandings that combine to create fears that only make sense through a child’s imagination (which often draws upon the unconscious mind).
I don’t know what your son’s specific underlying fear is, but it likely relates to safety in one form or another. You probably have a good sense of how to calm him when specific concerns arise but remember that your ultimate goal is to address the root fear. For example, if his primary fear is of being unsafe or abandoned, reassure him regularly that he will always be cared for and never be alone.
If his underlying fear is properly addressed, you’ll likely see the more specific worries gradually lessen and eventually disappear.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200
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