Dear Therapist:
My wife and I have been married five years, baruch Hashem, and we have two wonderful children. When we got engaged, her plan was to become a social worker, and she was also doing some photography on the side. That played a big part in how I understood her goals.
Soon after the chasuna, she stopped college, and within a year she stopped photography too. She’s been working a part-time remote job since then, but now she’s not sure what she wants to do next.
It’s very hard for her to talk about, and I don’t want to hurt her, but I do feel confused. How do I respect where she’s holding now, while still feeling like something important shifted from what I thought I was walking into?
Response:
It can be disappointing and disorienting when our expectations for the future shift in ways we didn’t anticipate. It sounds like you’re feeling confused and concerned—perhaps about your family’s financial trajectory, your wife’s sense of direction, or both.
One of the harder life lessons to internalize is that many things are simply outside of our control. When we feel responsible for things we cannot actually direct, it often leads to anxiety, frustration, or rigidity. In contrast, people who can genuinely accept the limits of their control tend to navigate unexpected changes with far more ease. They’re better able to adapt, regroup, and move forward when life unfolds differently than planned.
Letting go of the need for control isn’t a quick process. It usually requires time, intention, and conscious effort. A helpful first step is distinguishing what is truly beyond your control from what is within your influence—and recognizing the limits of that influence.
Regarding your wife, it sounds like you’re unsure what has prompted the shift in her goals. Has she become more focused on motherhood? Is she feeling overwhelmed, uncertain, or pressured—by you, by herself, or by life circumstances? Might she be experiencing anxiety or depression? Or is she simply reevaluating what she wants at this stage of life?
When we don’t understand someone’s internal process, it’s easy to make assumptions—which are often inaccurate. Not knowing can also heighten our own need for control, creating a cycle where the uncertainty feels even more unsettling.
You’re asking how to respect where your wife is now while also understanding what changed. You seem to experience those two aims as conflicting, but they don’t have to be. They can actually complement each other. If your desire to understand her is driven mainly by your own discomfort or unmet expectations, she will likely feel pressured or misunderstood. But if it’s clear that your goal is to understand her—to hear her perspective, support her, and work together on shared goals—she is far more likely to feel cared for, respected, and emotionally safe.
I don’t know the level of openness in your relationship, but if you generally communicate well, a thoughtful, non-pressured conversation may be overdue. If emotional communication is harder for the two of you, even a gentle statement of curiosity—letting her know that you want to understand what she’s feeling and be a supportive partner—can be the first step toward a deeper and healthier emotional connection for both of you.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200
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