Daf Yomi, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Torah and Psychology, Marriage Counseling, Psychotherapy
Our Gemara on Amud Beis tells us that the cloak (me’il) of the Cohen Gadol atones for l’shon hara, hurtful speech. The noise made by the bells on its hem is a reminder of the power of sound and speech, appropriate or inappropriate.
The verse (Shemos 28:33 and Rashi) tells us that the golden bells on the cloak were placed between two “pomegranates” of blue, purple, and crimson yarns. L’Levi Amar comments that the pomegranates represent quiet, while the bells represent noise. This hints that one should be twice as quiet as his talking, and a similar idea is expressed in Megillah (18a), “If a word is worth one sela, silence is worth two.”
Silence has incredible power to facilitate communication. Often people enact their anxieties by over-talking. Not only do they do themselves a disservice by diluting the power and intensity of well-chosen words, they are so busy talking that they aren’t listening.
My father, Rabbi Chaim Feuerman, Ed.D. Z”L, was a great believer in listening, and was careful to not allow his urge to speak and offer advice to overshadow and stifle the learning process. He insisted that teachers pause several seconds after asking the class a question, even encouraging that no child raise their hand yet, so that other children who need more time to think would not be overshadowed or intimidated by those who were quicker. He usually led by quiet example, not by criticism. He made sure to never speak during davening, from the first beracha to the last kaddish. One time, a man who clearly had a lot on his mind spent the entire davening chattering away at him. Every now and then, as the man paused for breath or perhaps to mumble a few Hebrew words, he would say, “Rabbi, what do you think?” Father would not shush the person; he would just smile and show an inflection that looked like he understood or was reflecting upon it. At the end of davening, the man said, “Rabbi Feuerman, you know what I like about you? You say the smartest things!”
Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation
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Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, LMFT, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com