Dear Therapist:
At a recent family simcha, I overheard a close relative say something about my son. They didn’t realize I was nearby, and they made a comment about how he is a sweet kid but a little off.
My son is 8. He’s sensitive, thoughtful, and has his own way of seeing the world. But I’ve never seen it as a problem. Just part of who he is.
I was hurt. I also I keep wondering if other people see him that way too? Is it possible I missed something important? I want to let my kid be himself, but I want to make sure I am getting him extra help if he needs it. I would appreciate any guidance.
Response:
Apparently, you never viewed your son’s personality as a problem. Why should you now?
Everyone has their own individual way of viewing the world and the people in it. For many, a significant part of how they perceive others is actually a reflection of their own issues and insecurities. To begin with, why would anyone be discussing your eight-year-old son at all? And assuming there was some appropriate reason for mentioning him, what would lead someone to speak about a young child in a derogatory way? What possible purpose could that serve?
The most likely explanation is that it serves them in some way. Perhaps it makes them feel better about their own struggles—or about their children. Perhaps it diminishes something uncomfortable for them internally. Whatever the case, a comment like this is self-serving. Viewed from that perspective, how much weight does it really deserve?
Is it possible that a parent’s love could obscure a genuine concern? Of course. But you probably know your son better than anyone. Isn’t it far more likely that you understand his personality more accurately than a relative who makes an offhand remark at a simcha? Even setting aside this relative’s possible insecurities, your understanding of your child is almost certainly more reliable.
Because we all see the world through our own lenses, what feels significant to one person may be irrelevant—or interpreted very differently—by another. Your relative described your son as “a little off.” What does that mean to them? And what does it mean to you? Those meanings can differ widely depending on background, personality, life experience, family norms, and personal sensitivities.
What matters most is what the phrase triggers in you. Did it stir up your own insecurities? Does it echo something that would have felt painful to you as a child? Are you at risk of projecting your own feelings onto your son?
And even if your son is “a little off”—whatever that means—is that inherently a problem? If he’s different from an insensitive relative, is that a flaw? If “a little off” simply means different, that’s not something to fear. I, for one, would wear that label proudly. I don’t believe that “normal” is defined by conformity alone.
If your son’s personality doesn’t neatly fit someone else’s expectations, does that diminish who he is? Would you allow a careless comment from a relative to alter your view of your son’s thoughtful, sensitive nature?
…I didn’t think so.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200
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