Dear Therapist:
All of our kids are married now, baruch Hashem. They’re settled, busy building their own homes. I am grateful for where they are holding. When they were younger, even when they were adults but still around, I still felt like part of their lives. They’d call about little things, ask my opinion, check in, come by more often. Lately I get the feeling I am not really needed anymore. Maybe I overstepped or maybe they just want to be more independent, but I feel like there is a certain distance. I also feel a bit empty and I am trying to figure out what I really want at this stage in life. I would appreciate your advice. Thank you.
Response:
You’re describing a sense of distance from your adult children, along with feelings of emptiness and of no longer being needed. These feelings naturally reinforce one another.
You wonder whether you may have overstepped at some point, and you also wonder whether your children simply want to be more independent. The fact that you’re weighing these possibilities suggests that the change itself—particularly their growing independence—has been difficult for you.
Of course, it feels good to be needed. But our role as parents is ultimately to raise children who can function independently and build lives of their own. In that sense, children not needing us in the same way is often a sign that we did something right.
From what you describe, it doesn’t sound as though your children are distancing themselves because of something you did wrong. Rather, it seems they are absorbed in building their own homes and families—and therefore need you less than they once did.
There is an important distinction between being needed and being wanted. When we need someone, our emotional equilibrium depends on their presence. When we want someone, we are emotionally self-sufficient but enriched by the relationship.
It’s understandable to feel unsettled when your children no longer need you. The question is whether this has led you to worry that they no longer want you. If that were the case, your pain would be very clear. If, however, the issue is primarily that they no longer rely on you emotionally, it may be touching on your own need to feel needed.
Many parents build much of their identity around raising their children. This is natural and often healthy. But when a large portion of one’s sense of self is tied to being needed in that role, the transition to this stage of life can feel deeply disorienting.
This is true of any sense of self that rests heavily on external roles—whether parenthood, professional status, financial success, or influence. When those roles change, the sense of self can feel fragile. Although ideally self-esteem is intrinsically based, most people rely to some degree on external anchors. If much of your positive self-image has been tied to your role in the family, it makes sense that changes in that role would leave you feeling empty and searching for footing.
It may be that you’re trying to recapture something that was never meant to be permanent. That could explain why you’re searching for reasons for the perceived distance—because if there were a problem, it could be fixed. But if this change is simply a natural transition, trying to “fix” it may only create tension where none existed.
It’s important to consider that your feelings may not reflect a problem in your relationships, but rather a shift toward a more appropriate adult parent–child dynamic.
For many parents, this transition prompts deeper questions about identity and purpose. If much of your adult life has been defined by raising children, it makes sense that you’re now asking what you want at this stage. Beyond your intrinsic qualities, there are many ways to define yourself—through learning, work, relationships, interests, or pursuits that may have been set aside.
Coming to terms with your changing role in the family can open space to focus more intentionally on your own needs and aspirations. As you do, it becomes easier to identify what brings you fulfillment now—and that, in turn, can ease the sense of emptiness you’re experiencing.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200
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