Dear Therapist:
I used to be more emotional when hearing about hard things. I would say Tehillim, give tzedakah, and really feel what was going on.
But lately, I feel like nothing gets through. I hear the stories, and of course I know it’s terrible, but I don’t feel it. I wind up pretending. Maybe there is too much going on, but it has become harder to care, and I don’t like how detached I have become.
Is this anormal reaction, or does it mean something is wrong?
Response:
What you describe is not at all unusual. Unfortunately, it can be easy over time to become somewhat inured to others’ troubles.
There are many forms and levels of caring, and I don’t think that any one type is inherently “better” than another. We all process things differently, so our emotional responses to painful news can vary greatly.
It sounds like you feel that your earlier emotional reactions were somehow more appropriate—and that your current detachment reflects something negative. I wonder whether this shift happened gradually over time, or whether it felt sudden.
If you’ve slowly found yourself becoming less emotional while still recognizing that situations are painful, this is likely normal. When we feel emotionally stirred by others’ suffering, this is often sympathy. In sympathy, we feel something strongly ourselves, sometimes using another person’s experience as a way to access our own emotions.
Empathy is different. With empathy, we can understand another person’s pain without becoming overwhelmed by it. The focus shifts away from our own emotional reaction and toward the other person’s experience—and, perhaps, toward what might actually help them.
This is the kind of stance therapists strive for in their work. If you’ve naturally moved from sympathy to empathy, that may reflect emotional growth rather than detachment. You may have reached a point where you can acknowledge suffering, respond appropriately, and still remain grounded.
If, however, this sense of numbness feels sudden, global, or extends beyond hearing about others’ hardships into your own relationships and daily life, that would be worth paying attention to. Otherwise, what you’re describing may simply be a more mature, sustainable way of caring.
You don’t need to force yourself to feel more. Emotions don’t respond well to pressure. Instead, focus on small, concrete acts of kindness—reaching out to someone, offering help, giving tzedakah, or saying Tehillim with intention rather than intensity. Often, connection follows action. Over time, this can gently reopen emotional channels in a way that feels authentic rather than performative.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200
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