Dear Therapist:
I’m a single girl and trying to make the most of this stage of life, but it’s not always easy. There are times I feel fine and busy, and other times I feel anxious, lonely, or just stuck.
I want to be able to live a full life now and not feel like I’m just waiting for the next stage. At the same time, it’s hard not to compare myself to others or feel left behind.
What are some practical ways to live fully during singlehood and not fall into feeling down or anxious?
Response:
Of course, the response to your question depends largely on the underlying causes of your feelings. Is your anxiety rooted in a broader, existential sense—feeling that your life is not where you want it to be? Or is it more connected to perceived expectations, either your own or those of others?
Similarly, does your sense of loneliness stem from a desire for a deeper, more intimate connection? Or is it intensified by what it seems others have that you do not?
You mention comparing yourself to others and feeling left behind. To the extent that this contributes to—or intensifies—your anxiety and loneliness, it’s important to understand what drives that comparison.
Human beings are complex, and no feeling has a single cause. As with most aspects of emotional experience, there are multiple contributing factors. Anxiety, for example, may be influenced by insecurities, unconscious fears, a need for control, self-esteem, and a desire for fulfillment. These influences are not static; they shift and evolve over time.
You sound like an introspective person, which can be a real asset in understanding yourself more deeply. Don’t be discouraged if it’s difficult to isolate one clear cause for how you feel. These underlying factors often overlap and change—sometimes even as a result of examining them. Rather than trying to “solve” yourself, aim to develop a broader awareness of the thoughts, emotions, fears, and insecurities that shape your experience.
As with any meaningful process, give yourself time. Self-understanding is not something that is completed; it evolves over the course of a lifetime. As your circumstances change—and as you gain perspective—you will continue to refine your understanding of yourself. With that understanding can come a greater ability to feel grounded and fulfilled, even while certain aspects of your life remain in flux.
-Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW
psychotherapist in private practice
Woodmere, NY
adjunct professor at Touro University
Graduate School of Social Work
author of Self-Esteem: A Primer
www.ylcsw.com / 516-218-4200
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