Our Gemara on Amud Beis discusses how certain persons with compromised mental capacity can still perform a kosher shechitta so long as “others watch and supervise.”

The Pri Megadim (Introduction to Laws of Shechitta, Shoresh 5) notes that it is written in plural form “others.” He says this is not an actual requirement and even one person is sufficient supervision. Tiferes Yisrael (beginning of the mesechta) says it’s to include even more than one supervisor, though one is sufficient. The Mishna needed to include two or more supervisors because when more than one person is assigned a task or a responsibility, there is a tendency to over rely on the other person and slack off. This is quoted several times in the Gemara as an adage, “A pot owned by partners never gets too hot or too cold.” (See Eiruvin 3a and Bava Basra 24b.)

The basic premise is the social and psychological idea that when there is more than one person responsible, it dilutes accountability and urgency. This is similar to the “Bystander Effect” — everyone relies on the other so no one does it.

Chovos Halevavos (IV Bitachon:3) refers to this idea in regard to the psychology of faith and trust in God. If a person sees God as his only resource then his trust will be full, but if he trusts in other factors as well he dilutes his reliance and then dedication to God. (See Marpeh L’Nefesh ibid.)

Rav Klonymos Kalman Mi-Piaseczeno (Introduction to Chovos Hatalmidim) uses this idea in a sophisticated psychological manner, encouraging parents to cultivate a sense of agency and responsibility in children. He says: The father and educator should cast himself as a guide and coach instead of acting as merely an authority that forces his will. The idea is to stress that Torah study, observance of the Mitzvos and connection to Hashem is their personal challenge and opportunity to discover. The authority of parents or educators serves as a guide to help the child find himself and his abilities. But if the parent over-emphasizes the parent’s demand and need for compliance, the child does not buy into a need for him to participate or actively relate to the Torah as his destiny, because the parental demand dilutes the personal ownership of the issue.

Rav Klonymos Kalman is presenting a modern, ahead of his time idea about how to avoid power struggles and help a child internalize personal autonomy, accountability and goal setting. If a parent acts largely as an enforcer of his will and moral standards, if he is fortunate enough to have a child who is relatively obedient in temperament, at best he will raise an obedient person, and at worst, a passive aggressive or rebellious person who is still bucking the system even as a full adult. However, if he gradually, and age-appropriately, conveys the idea that Torah and relationship to God is his child’s personal business, opportunity and responsibility, the father isn’t anyone to rebel or fight against. On the contrary, the father is a valuable resource and guide to find the right and best way to live. 

As an example, parents can cajole, scold and punish children for not bentching, singing zemiros, and listening and participating in divrei Torah at the Shabbos table — this might get compliance or frustration and resentment. But if parents projected an attitude such as, “This is your Shabbos table too and we will be doing this as a family for many years to come, so how do YOU want to spend the time? What makes it a good Shabbos table for you?” Or something like, “We all need to ask Hashem for parnassah. We can’t be sure that we will always be safe or have the food we need, and we never know whose prayer will help and when. If we don’t bentch well, we risk losing an opportunity. What do you think?”

The idea is to move from control to collaboration.

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Translations Courtesy of Sefaria, except when, sometimes, I disagree with the translation

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Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, LMFT, DHL is a psychotherapist who works with high conflict couples and families. He can be reached via email at simchafeuerman@gmail.com