On Choosing a Spouse: Looking for Love in all the Right Places
By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
Selecting a spouse is possibly the most momentous decision that we humans make over the course of a lifetime. We are choosing our roommate, co-parent, romantic partner, teammate, and closest companion- ideally, for life. We live in times in which we have more autonomy and opportunity than ever before in history, we seem to be more emotionally complex, and demand more of our love relationships than any other times or cultures. And while we can land a man on the moon and split an atom, this mystery called lasting love continues to elude us; in fact, we seem to be floundering even more observably, judging by divorce rates and radio music.
We could, and maybe should read entire books on the subject of how to date for marriage wisely; the amount of information available can be overwhelming. This article suggests four primary areas or quadrants, each with several subcategories, for analyzing and assessing a potential relationship: mind, body, heart, and soul. When we are in touch with each of these four aspects of the self, we can develop an awareness of what we value, what we appreciate, and what we need from a primary relationship. There is some overlap between the quadrants, but organizing it this way can help us to see with more clarity, what is flourishing or lacking in ourselves or a relationship, in a defined way.
While each of us is comprised of all four, most of us tend to favor one or two quadrants over the others- like a major and a minor in college. We may favor our attention toward a dominant feature of the self. For example, someone who is very intellectually brilliant, may seek out her cerebral equal in a spouse, and feel that this is more important to her than, for example, physical appearance, or spiritual orientation. This is, inherently, neither a danger nor advantage; but simply a tendency to keep in mind, so as not to completely neglect our recessive quadrants.
We also tend to cluster, as individuals and as cultures. For example, in many religious communities, singles meet at a young age, through professional shadchanim [matchmakers], following a formal protocol, with a technical focus on concrete matters of family, religious and socio-economic compatibility, and an expectation of very brief, pragmatic dating time. In these circles, there tends to be a strong emphasis on spiritual and practical compatibility and less on emotional and physical attraction until after the wedding. On the other hand, in more contemporary communities and dating styles, where young adults meet on their own or through friends, date more recreationally, romantically, and for longer periods of time, there is often more focus placed on physical and emotional attraction, and only afterwards on spiritual, intellectual, and practical compatibility. Of course, these are just stereotypes, and each comes with its challenges, but it’s good to be aware of tendencies to compensate.
Another word about cultural norms: In Orthodox communities, there seem to be three general dating styles: be’show, shidduchim, and social dating. Individuals who date via be’show, will usually meet a potential spouse selected by parents and familial connections, approximately 1-4 times before engagement. There is little to no premarital relationship, and the expectations for the marital relationship are somewhat limited. They don’t expect to forge a meaningful connection, love, or feel palpable chemistry, before the wedding, and marriage roles are quite traditional. Social daters will generally meet casually, on their own, or through friends or the internet. They will usually focus initially on emotional, romantic, and physical attraction, and then later on assess intellectual, pragmatic, religious, and spiritual concerns. They seek to develop loving connection before an engagement, some with and some without physical contact. Shidduch daters are more vague. Average dating times range anywhere between 2- 12 weeks, generally with a shadchan go-between, and formal protocols. This is enough involvement to hope for some modicum of chemistry, but due to modesty sensitivities and boundaries, there is a limit to how much the relationship will be able to develop before the wedding. Many shidduch daters find themselves wondering exactly how much they “should need to know or feel” about a partner or union before making a commitment. Whether examining ourselves, our dates, or our marriages, these constructs can be helpful for measuring self-awareness and goals:
The Mind:
The intellect includes the cognitive, the academic or educational, thought processes, culture, interests, savviness, capability, and the dialogic wavelength. To say it’s “how smart we are” is an oversimplification, but it emanates from there. This is where we ask: Do I respect this person’s opinion? Am I interested in what s/he has to say? Do I understand and feel understood when we converse and share ideas? Do I get the sense that s/he makes wise, rational decisions, using a thought process I can appreciate?
The logistical:
When we look at our pragmatic life goals, do they match up well? Does this person “make sense” for me as a potential spouse? For example: If he dreams of raising a large family, with a full time mom, in a quiet suburb, and she’d like to have a progressive career, 2.5 kids, and live in Manhattan, that would be a logistical glitch. Likewise, if she wants to move to Israel, as soon as possible, and he wants to work for his family business in New Jersey. Another example: gender roles, expectations, and responsibilities. What kinds of family cultures have shaped our ideas about what spouses “should” do for one another, for their kids, and their home? Earning, homemaking, bill-paying, parenting styles? Marriage is not only a love story; it’s also a life plan.
Body:
Physical attraction: What some young people unfortunately don’t realize until after the wedding is that the marriage relationship is a very physical one. In any other area of life, assessing another based on the other’s appearance would be unkind, unfair, and superficial. But in this particular area, it is actually problematic not to ascertain attraction. This is a category over which some obsess and others underestimate. The level of importance of physical attraction varies by personality, gender, culture, and exposure, but a good general rule is that we should try to marry mates whom we find at the very least reasonably good looking, and with whom we could imagine enjoying physical intimacy.
Financial/material: Money can’t buy us love, but financial stressors can certainly challenge it. It feels unsavory to discuss finances and material lifestyle in the context of something as sacred as spouse selection, but to deny the role that the monetary and the material play in the life of a couple is naïve. We need not be completely financially independent when we get married, but discussing a general idea of how and in what manner we intend and hope to support ourselves, and notice our socio-economic backgrounds and assumptions, is prudent and responsible.
Heart:
Emotional: The emotional self could be further subdivided into psychological and temperamental. Our psychological self is our mental wellness, our general stability, and how we cope with life circumstances. Our temperamental self has to do with our personality traits, feelings, moods, behavioral tendencies, and the way we process and react to the world internally.
Interpersonal: The interpersonal refers to communication, ability to express, relate, empathize, share, moderate, regulate, compromise, and connect. These are core, critical relationships skills. Some are inborn, others cultivated, but they, maybe more than other factors, will often determine the success of the union.
Emotion questions to ask when dating are: How do I feel about this person? How do I feel when I’m with him/her? How do I feel about them when we’re not together? How does s/he seem to feel about me? How do we treat each other? Do we enjoy each other’s company, smile a lot, laugh, care for each other? Do we communicate well? Does s/he matter to me, and do I feel I matter to them?
Soul:
The spiritual can be divided into the technical religious or theological and the deeper self or philosophical. In Orthodox communities, we tend to identify strongly with the first, and sometimes take the second for granted.
External religious affiliations, backgrounds, locations, institutions, attire, and practices are relatively easy to identify and describe. Families and individuals will use these designations for choosing neighborhoods, schools, shuls, Yeshivas, seminaries, colleges, even friends and jobs. Even nuanced differences can feel important when dating and in marriage, and in general, broad-brush similarities are helpful here.
The psycho-spiritual self is harder to quantify, and even more elusive to pinpoint within a relationship. Some couples claim to have a magical “soul-mate” dynamic, which sounds romantic, but perhaps unrealistic as an immediate dating objective. Deep spirituality is more existential; it relates to a sense of being, of deep connection, of purpose. Not everyone thinks about this consciously, but it transcends personality, and generally informs and frames our attitudes about goodness, morality, values, priorities, prayer, integrity, work ethic, serenity, beauty, and sense of responsibility to G-d and mankind. A good question to ask about spirituality for the self or the couple is: What inspires us?
There are no guarantees when it comes to love relationships, but going into them with our eyes open, leading with the mind and the soul, and following closely with the heart and the body, can set us up for wise and balanced decision-making.
[Much of this article’s general content is derived from Matthew Kelly’s wonderful book: Seven Levels of Intimacy- enthusiastically recommended reading for anyone in or pursuing a relationship.]
Bio: Elisheva Liss, MA, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She lives in Far Rockaway NY with her husband and children, and maintains a private practice there. She also writes and lectures about mental health, spirituality, and sexuality, and has nearly perfected the art of housework avoidance. She can be reached at speaktosomeone@gmail.com and more of her artic
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com