Originally, this post was to be titled: "Raising Thighs and Waving Breasts" but then I chickened out and opted for a more neutral, if less evocative name. But before you click away in horror, I want to add that this appellation was actually taken verbatim from a verse in yesterday's parsha- I promise! Chapter 10 verse 15... Ok, so if you went to look it up, you may have noticed that it technically refers to the anatomy of sacrificial animals.
The verse describes two ritual motions: teruma and tenufa, which Rashi on the spot reminds us are, respectively: lifting up and down, and waving back and forth. He raises a question, for which he states he has no answer: Why does the verse attribute teruma (lifting) to the thigh (Hebrew: shok- more on that later) and tenufa (waving) to the breast (Hebrew: chazeh) when in fact both motions were performed on both body parts? Rashi's self-proclaimed style is to explain the words from the most linguistic, technical, textually honest perspective, (which is famously called in Hebrew: pshuto shel mikra). As I was reading this Rashi on Shabbos morning, a homiletic (if somewhat complex) thought visited me:
Ok here goes- it's a little involved but I'll sum up at the end: Ritual sacrifices are called avodat hakorbanot, which actually means service of closeness. According to some, the purpose of this service was to enhance relationships- mostly between man and G-d, but even interpersonally. The two body parts mentioned in this verse: chazeh-breast and shok-thigh, were part of the 24 priestly gifts endowed to the tribe who operated the sanctuary on behalf of the nation. Much of the service is interpreted not only as physical laws and rituals performed, but also as instructive metaphor.
Teruma means lifting up ("rahm" in Hebrew means high)- it is a vertical movement. On the other hand, Tenufah, waving, is forward, or horizontal. Stay with me here.
The chest is often used to represent the "higher self," the seat of the heart, thought, spirituality, and sensitivity. The thigh is the uppermost part of the the "lower self," the more physical needs, drives, walking, and movement. [Some men have a custom to wear a cloth belt called a "gartel" to symbolize separation between the upper and lower parts of the self.]
Of the many dichotomies in mitzvos, one division is: mitzvos that are between man and his Creator, vs the interpersonal - between man and man. Those between man and G-d, such as prayer, we could describe as vertical- upward focus. Interpersonal mitzvos, like kindness, we could describe as horizontal- moving outward, along a level horizon. See where this is going? If not, don't worry, I'll elaborate.
When I am in my "higher self zone"- engaging in lofty acts, such as prayer, the "teruma," the upliftedness, is naturally there in my heart. But when we get too wrapped up in the "between man and G-d" side of religion, a danger is that we will fly too high, and start to feel superior to, avoid, or neglect our fellow man. So with regard to the breast part of the korban, we get a reminder: tenufa- waving, outward. "You're praying? That's great- pray for others too. You're studying Torah? Nice. Now go help your mother."
On the other hand, when I am in my more physical or action-based self, symbolized by the leg, the tenufa is inherent- there is movement. But there I may need to be reminded about teruma, to elevate the act. I may be getting all involved in some community initiative to help others, and that's terrific. But it could be even loftier if I ascribe intention to do it as a mitzvah, and be sure not to neglect the details of Halacha along the way.
I used to teach Judaic studies in a high school, and two scenarios from that stint could illustrate this dichotomy:
Story #1:
A tenth grader approached me enthusiastically: "I'm really proud of myself; I've decided to commit myself to daven (pray) daily." My response was both admiration and advice: "That's terrific- I'm really proud of you; kudos on that goal. I just want to let you know, that sometimes when we take a step up in the domain of 'between man and G-d', our lower inclination can trip us up interpersonally. In your newfound value, you may find yourself judging or looking down on the same friend with whom you skipped prayer services last week. Don't fall into that trap- be as resolute to respect your friends as you are to your prayer commitment. Good luck with it all!"
Story #2:
I was supervising morning prayer group, and an 11th grader came running in at the end of the service. "I'm sorry I missed davening," she breathed, but I was excused to work on a project for the Israel advocacy group." I asked if she wanted me to try and get her some time to make up her prayers, and she blinked at me, and repeated for me slowly : "I said I got excused."
Sometimes, and some people, communities, institutions, etc are particularly attentive to the "chazeh" and "terumah" part of service. Often these are the more ritual, solitary, or detailed aspects of practice. Others are more drawn more towards community service, activism, philanthropy, or charity work, symbolized by the "shok"- leg, or tenufa- spreading outward of self.
An interesting linguistic twist that supports this hypothesis: the word "chazeh" means breast but the exact letters also make up the word which means "insight" or "spiritual vision"- it's even used to mean prophecy sometimes. The word "shok" means thigh, but the letters also spell "marketplace"[interpersonal exchange of physical and material goods] and also: "to sustain with water or food."
Maybe the verse highlights the vertical movement of the leg, and the horizontal movement of the chest, to remind us to stay balanced. When I'm out there doing, spreading goodness among the people, I need to remember to include G-d, to hold space for the soul. And when I'm in my deep and lofty place, the inner chamber of the chest, directing myself vertically, upward, I should remember to care about the people too. Meaning: In healthy religion, balance is vital. We need to nurture and serve with our hearts, treasure some solitude, grow inwardly, find ourselves, strive upward. We also need to interact with others, contribute to social wellness, engage in tikkun olam (world improvement). And when we get to be too much about our own private stuff, we need some tenufa; when we get too busy out there mingling with the people, so that we're losing our sense of self and Divine connection, we need teruma. Maybe that's what the verse is hinting.
[I know that was a lot of parts, so just to sum up the ideas list-style:
teruma=raising, vertical, between man and G-d, spiritual, natural to the chazeh (chest/insight) but associated with the shok (leg)
tenufa=waving, horizontal, between man and man, physical, natural to the shok (leg/marketplace/food) but associated with chazeh
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com