Teaching Children about “The Birds and the Bees”
By: Elisheva Liss LMFT
There are, essentially, only two ways for kids to hear about sex: their parents, and Someplace Else. While that “someplace else” may be any one of a number of sources, what those sources tend to share is a lack of parental input. Whether it’s the school bus, sleepaway camp, a dirty joke, a teacher, or a predator- chances are, if it doesn’t come from parents, it will be inaccurate, incomplete, unhealthy, or a combination thereof.
My client, “Sara”, was molested as a child by her brother. She never complained or reported it, not because she liked it, but because it didn’t have a name to her. She didn’t know that all the other brothers out there weren’t “annoying” their sisters that way. She is begging for more proactive education for children. She believes if she and/or her siblings had known what was going on, had understood that it had a name, a treatment, a solution, a response, it could have saved her years of suffering.
Another client, “Rachel”, is afflicted by obsessional fear that she is attracted to women, although she has a lovely marriage and is most definitely attracted to, and intimate with, her husband. The root of her fear is that her first sexual experiences as a girl were with a young female relative, consensual, but completely without comprehension of what it was or meant. She was aware of vague feelings, of physical sensation, pleasure, discomfort, guilt, secrecy, shame. Their experimentation went on for years, but without any information or education. She believes if anyone had spoken to her at any point about her own sexual development, she too, could have been spared much distress.
We therapists in the Orthodox communities walk a tightrope on this issue. On the one hand, there is the predominant culture, the zeitgeist of openness and freedom, information and internet, and the modern, unprecedented, widespread normalization of premarital sex, followed by formalized “sex-ed” and “safe sex” movements, and rapidly evolving expansion of what sex, gender, and sexuality are. The culturally validated, even celebrated, unboundaried behavior that accompanies this new normal is something with which all factions of society grapple.
On the other hand, there is the more insular cultural pressure to shelter, protect, preserve innocence, and by extension, ignorance. Present in conservative American values as well, it takes on even more significance in a deeply religious community; one that discourages sexual talk, experimentation and masturbation, and (perhaps mistakenly,) presumes abstinence until marriage, as well as monogamy, and general safety. We value privacy, modesty, the right for children to be kids.
A large number of my clients are women who were too successfully educated about privacy and modesty. They experienced the sudden shift to sexual activity on the wedding night as trauma. Still others were not traumatized, but still had difficulty adjusting.
The next generation is slowly acknowledging this problem. With the epidemic use of internet pornography, immediate publicizing of egregious sex crimes against minors, heated open global dialogue about sexual identity and activity, and popularization of sex therapy, even more right wing communities are becoming more open to education. Parents are realizing this, but still grappling with the why, the how, and the when.
Sex education should not be one sudden, monumental, revelatory conversation at the onset of puberty, or as premarital education, as is often assumed. Facilitating safe psychosexual development, and preparing children for healthy intimacy is an ongoing part of parenting in general, just like any other important value, and can be achieved in a way that is reverent and modest, but clear and open.
For example, if I want my son to believe in G-d, I don’t wait until the month before his bar mitzvah to sit down and have a “big talk” about the meaning of life. I infuse G-d consciousness into the fabric of our existence and conversation. Likewise, if I want my child to see herself as a worthy individual, I don’t just sit her down one day before junior high and tell her she has value, but I make it my business to punctuate our interactions with opportunities to point out her potential and achievements.
Likewise, if I want my children to develop into emotionally healthy, relationship-ready young adults, that preparation is ongoing. Just like there’s math that’s appropriate for five year olds, and the curricula build on that, and become more detailed and advanced as they mature, there is sexual information that’s age appropriate for each stage of development, depending on a child’s maturity and curiosity. We don’t want to flood them with too much too early, but we also don’t want to get in the habit of constantly withholding and procrastinating, saying: “you’ll find out when you’re older”.
Some parents may feel they’re “playing it safe” by avoiding the issue. In reality, it is almost impossible to “not communicate”. By omitting this topic, they’re communicating that it’s taboo, inappropriate, or at the very least, uncomfortable. Some of my more cloistered clients were horrified when they learned about physical intimacy because they assumed this was not “Jewish” behavior. This isn’t always a conscious choice, of course, but the repercussions come anyway. The more accurate information kids have about their bodies, about boundaries, about privacy vs. shame, about pleasure and the future, the less confusion, and the more healthy their development.
The question of whether to use anatomically correct language or euphemism (such as “birds and bees”) is subjective. Some feel that euphemism conveys a message of shame, while culturally and religiously, others believe that it shows reverence and sensitivity. I believe either way can work, as long as the children have a clear, working vocabulary. Contrary to what many parents believe, healthy children can be sexual creatures, who touch themselves, fantasize, and feel pleasure. Acknowledging and validating this can be a huge load off their shoulders, even while conveying values and boundaries around these behaviors.
There are many books to assist the perplexed parent, but two great Jewish books which I recommend often are: Talking to Your Children about Intimacy by Sara Diament. It’s a short, easy read, with endorsements by mainstream Rabbis, that gives guidelines and suggestions for parents who seek to educate, but may struggle with what, when, and how to share, as well as their own discomfort. A longer version of a similar message is: Talking about Intimacy and Sexuality by Yocheved Debow- another excellent resource for preparing for these dialogues.
By overcoming our reluctance and discomfort, and confronting these topics with confidence, honesty, receptiveness, and love, we equip our children with one of the greatest gifts for their future happiness.
Bio: Elisheva Liss, LMFT maintains a private practice in Far Rockaway, NY. She treats individual adults and couples, and lectures widely. Some of her general professional writing may viewed on her website: ElishevaLiss.com
She can be reached at: speaktosomeone@gmail.com
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com