Flavors of Forgiveness: What to Do When It’s not “All Good”
A Simple Thought from Elisheva Liss, LMFT
Welcome to the season of begging forgiveness. We run around apologizing, trying to let go of past resentments and obtain pardons for our own transgressions. For many of us, much of the time, this can be a simple, annual interpersonal cleansing, an apology-acceptance social ritual. It can feel great to dissipate some of that awkwardness, clear the air, hug it out, smile and say “it’s all good”, letting bygones be bygones, and other fuzzy platitudes.
But for some of us, some of the time, it can be a little stickier. What about those really bad offenses? The ones still reverberating painfully in our lives, the ones where amends weren’t properly made, or the ones where no one actually bothered to take accountability or apologize?
I’ve always felt that there were categories of feelings, and one useful dichotomy is: intellectual vs emotional feelings. I know the idea of emotional feelings may sound redundant, but I’ll explain:
Imagine that you hurt me, and then ask forgiveness. In response, I scowl and say: “Yeah, ok, fine- whatever, I guess I forgive you..” and then sort of roll my eyes, and turn away. Does that sound much like forgiveness? Probably not. BUT….
Let’s say, instead, I reply: “You know what? No. I don’t forgive you. You really need to learn to think before you speak- you hurt me very much, and it’s just not ok.” That one is REALLY not forgiving, whereas the first example is offering something, just that it’s reluctant or insincere.
Of course, ideally, what we’re looking for is something more like this: “What you did was hurtful, and I’ve been upset, but I appreciate your apology. I know you don’t want to hurt me, and so I accept it and forgive you. It’s ok now; I’m ready to move on.” This is an example of genuine forgiveness.
But what should we do when someone apologizes and asks forgiveness, and we don’t want to be dramatic or perpetuate the conflict, yet we’re just not feeling the love?
One idea might be to say within ourselves, (and when appropriate, even to the offending party):
“Honestly, this is where I’m up to: Officially, I don’t want to be angry or bear an active grudge. I don’t wish anything bad on this person, and I certainly don’t want him to suffer for this. So between me, him, and G-d- we’re squared away technically and officially. BUT… I’m not quite finished feeling sad/hurt/upset about what happened, so I don’t want to get too close right now. I’m not ready to reconnect or trust yet. As time goes on, and things go better, I may feel more ready to move on from this, but right now, intellectually and practically, you’re forgiven, but emotionally, I’m not quite there yet.”
Of course, it’s up to each individual to decide whether and when he is ready to forgive at all, depending on the degree of the offense, remorse, and circumstances, whether this time of year, or anytime. This is simply a useful tool, when we want to forgive cognitively but we’re not ready to do so emotionally.
Wishing everyone a safe, healthy, happy year, of blessings and all things good.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com