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Rethinking "off the dereck"
Rethinking the Phrase: “Off the Derech”
Have you ever heard another Jew described as going “off the derech”? What did that mean to you? How did that make you feel? I’m having a hard time with it.
One occupational hazard of being part of a broad group of communities that identify strongly with religious observance, is a tendency to see people through the glaringly harsh lens of affiliation. For the purposes of choosing a spouse, community, Rabbi, shul, or school, it can be helpful to try and define our own relationship to “hashkafa”- religious outlook, along with our degree and style of adherence to Halacha and minhag- religious law and custom. This can help us clarify who, where, with whom, and how we want to be, religiously and culturally. There can be something comforting about relating to a group identity and feeling of belonging.
It can be tricky to balance a sense of integrity about what we practice, with a sense of respect and acceptance about what others do or don’t practice. It can get particularly personal when referring to individuals whose life paths have taken them in a different direction than the ones scripted to them by birth or formal education. The phrase “off the derech” has insinuated its way into Orthodox vernacular. As a therapist, an educator, a parent, and a Jew, I find myself feeling very uncomfortable with the widespread use of the phrase "off the derech" to describe individuals who choose a different path than the one espoused by the speaker.
I realize that people use it colloquially and innocently, and I don't judge individuals who do so, any more than I would judge minor grammatical errors. But to me, the phrase itself feels pretentious, condescending, and self-righteous. Maybe it’s the definite article: “THE derech”- as though there were only one true path leading to virtue or truth, and the speaker knows with absolute certainty that the person in question chose the wrong one. As opposed to ours.
The pasuk says: Deracheha darchei noam (Her wayS are ways of pleasantness) the word is plural, modifying the ways of Torah, and they're meant to be sweet. There are many derachim (ways) for a person to serve G-d. Some are more circuitous, counter-intuitive, and/or private than others. We are never really privy to the thoughts, feelings, beliefs, or struggles in someone else’s heart and soul. One might believe “Reuven” is a sinner for transgressing Shabbos. But it’s possible that in reality, G-d is judging him to be a tzaddik, every day that he observes the mitzvah to live, rather than succumb to the desire to take his own life. One might consider Rabbi X to be a holy and righteous man, on the basis of all the public praying and Torah studying he does. Yet it’s entirely possible that G-d sees how he is exploiting children in sinister ways behind closed doors. Is the Rabbi then “on the derech”? And what if Rabbi X describes Reuven as “off the derech”, while Rabbi X is, in fact, the reason that Reuven needs to devote all his mental energy to surviving each day? This stuff happens. We are living in an olam hafuch (upside down world)- we don't ultimately know who is on which “derech” or where each person is headed.
It’s probably best to avoid judging or talking about others this way altogether. Yet if we must make reference to the fact than someone has chosen a different path for himself religiously than the one imposed upon him by others, I’m hoping we can find a kinder, humbler, more respectful way to acknowledge it. Maybe something along the lines of: “he is finding his own way right now.” Because wherever his path ultimately takes him, having religious people label him as “off the derech” is certainly not going to help him find his way. And I can’t imagine G-d wants us talking that way about His kids, anyway.
“Be kind- everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”*
[*Source: The Internet, quoted unsubstantiatedly, in the name of a variety of historical smart people, who don’t mind ending a poignant sentence with a preposition.]
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com