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Sexual Assault Allegations in this Week's Parsha
Sexual Assault Allegations in this Week’s Parsha
By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
It seems that every time we click on a newsfeed, there are more accusations of sexual assault against high profile personalities. In the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal and the #metoo movement, it can begin to feel that we have entered an epidemic of sexual corruption. Yet “There is nothing new under the sun,” teaches King Shlomo, wisest of men.
In this week’s Parsha, we have several examples of sexual transgression. Yehuda’s sons Er and Onan exploit their wife Tamar for the purpose of their own pleasure, and withholding conjugal consummation and conception from her. Later, after the loss of his wife and two sons, Yehuda engages the services of a woman he believes to be a prostitute (Tamar, incognito), and then tries to have Tamar executed for the ensuing out-of-wedlock pregnancy. (Your teacher may have glossed over these verses in fourth grade Chumash class.)
But the story I want to focus on is the one between Potifar’s wife and Yosef. The verse tells us that Yosef was particularly good looking and charismatic. His boss’s wife made daily advances trying to seduce him, yet he resisted temptation, and explained that he was morally uncomfortable with the idea of an affair- vis-à-vis loyalty to his boss, as well as to G-d. Finally, she set up a situation whereby they were alone in the house, and tried to take him by force. As she was attempting to disrobe him, he bolted from the house. When Potifar and the others returned from worship, she accused Yosef of raping her, and then running out because she had screamed, leaving his garment behind. While some of the commentators suggest that Potifar had some idea that his wife was lying, according to the actual verses, it seems that her testimony was believed, and Yosef was incarcerated for this crime.
What a horrific trauma for Yosef- first to be pressured and then attacked by his superior, and then accused of the very crime she tried to do to him. This after last week’s parsha, his sister, Dina, suffered an actual rape, at the hands of a Shchem ben Chamor, a powerful leader, whose father then tried to sweet talk and buy his way out of culpability, and make a political alliance with her family.
These ancient, tragic stories sound like they could easily be headlines from 2017. There are many lessons that are culled from these narratives, but I’d like to highlight a particular, current idea. Potifar’s wife was behaving as a sexual predator, in two ways: First by pressuring and eventually trying to force Yosef to engage with her physically, and against his will. And secondly, by subsequently falsely accusing him of sexual assault. It is widely recognized that abusing someone sexually is indescribably evil. Because of this, when someone reports being sexually abused, our compassion is immediately triggered, and our instinct is generally to believe the accuser. Disbelieving a victim is quite traumatic for them, and is considered a form of revictimization. On the other hand, when someone, like Potifar’s wife, falsely accuses another individual of sexual assault, that is another way to potentially ruin someone’s life. We can find ourselves in a dilemma, where we never want to compound the pain of a survivor by impugning his story, but even so, the accused has the status of “innocent until proven guilty.” One possible attempt at resolving the quandary is: If someone comes forward and says she was abused, we could choose to believe that what happened to her did happen to her, and to support her. But then also try not to
immediately accept as fact, the guilt of the person accused, assuming this is a previously innocent person, since the allegation is, at the end of the day, hearsay. And unfortunately, just as there are people out there evil enough to perpetrate crimes of sexual aggression, there are also people out there evil enough to confabulate stories of sexual aggression. It is my hope that the perpetrator can and will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, if found guilty. Emotionally, our instincts tend to be to empathize immediately with the accuser (like Potifar’s wife). This is because one of the worst, or possibly the worst thing one person can inflict on another person is sexual violence. Yet it’s worth noting as well, that perhaps the second-to-worst thing one person can do to another is to falsely accuse them of sexual assault. In either case, a human being has been egregiously violated.
Yosef’s post-traumatic treatment was two years in prison, where, by the grace of G-d, he developed a gift for dream analysis that eventually catapulted him to fame and fortune. He earned superlative appellations such as “man who succeeds” “revealer of secrets” and “one to whom we bow/ young wise father-figure”. He achieved the greatest position possible his country, saved countless lives, and reunited with his family. May it be G-d’s will that all survivors of sexual abuse and/or false accusation are able to heal, overcome, and rise to success, vindication, good health, and prosperity.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com