How to Touch Your Wife: A Guide for Perplexed Husbands
Affectionate Touch vs. Erotic Touch
Elisha and Ariella are a charismatic couple in their early 30s, with a frisky toddler, and a baby on the way. They generally treat each other well, and enjoy a strong marital friendship. But there has been some tension between them lately, that we’re trying to sort through.
“I just feel pushed away a lot of the time,” Elisha explains. “But then, it’s like there are these mixed messages, where on the one hand, Ariella tells me she feels neglected, and an hour later, she feels, like, smothered, or something... I just don’t know how to read the signals.”
Ariella clearly doesn’t follow, and asks him to explain.
“Take last night, for example. I came home, and I was on the phone when I walked in. You told me a little later on during supper, that you thought it was rude to walk into the house loudly talking to someone else on my blue tooth, and not even acknowledge you with a wave. I understood that, so after supper, when I got another work call, I first asked if you minded my answering, and then made a point of reaching out to you even while I was talking… I thought I did good!”
A look of recognition, followed by frustration flash across Ariella’s face. Then she chimed in:
“Maybe you can help me explain this,” she appeals to me. “I did feel annoyed about the phone thing; it wasn’t the first time. So I told him, and he seemed to understand. I appreciated him checking in before taking the next call. But then while I got busy washing the dishes, and trying to tune out the noise of his phone call, he comes up from behind me and grabs my backside. I guess that’s what he means by ‘he made a point of reaching out’ but that doesn’t feel loving to me. When he touches me like that, honestly, it feels irritating, disrespectful, and a little objectifying, especially if I’m in the middle of housework. You want to show me some love? Take over the dishes..”
Elisha’s faces registers sadness, and then defensiveness, as he replies: “You see what I mean? I can’t win. If I give her space, I’m being rude, if I try to be playful, I’m being a pig..”
Ariella pipes up again: “You see? That’s what it’s started to feel like- two settings; distracted or sexual. I’m ok with a little distracted sometimes; I get busy too. And I like sexual in the bedroom, but I’m missing the connection, the warmth, the tenderness.”
As we discussed further, we realized that the pattern Ariella was having trouble with was Elisha’s tendency to move from non-engagement straight into sexual touch.
Fortunately, they were able and willing to discuss and address this extremely common phenomenon.
I can’t even count how many times I’ve seen a couple describe this dynamic:
“I was just brushing my teeth, and he starts groping me from behind.”
“I told him I needed a hug after a fight with my sister, and at first it was so comforting. Until he started reaching up my shirt.”
“I thought I was so clear that I just wanted to cuddle, but then his hands started wandering…”
What these women are feeling is the difference between affectionate touch and erotic touch. Most women are happy to receive light, spontaneous affectionate touch. But erotic touch for women, often requires some warning, some warm up, some tenderness, or for some, an actual bed.
To clarify the differences: Affectionate touch is G-rated; it’s any type of touch that would be appropriate for expressing warmth to a familiar child. A simple hug, a dry kiss or light caress on the cheek, a stroke of the hair, rubbing the back. Erotic touch is more sensual and sexual, and it would be creepy and criminal to offer a child. Any type of touching the primary erogenous zones (like breasts, inner thighs, buttocks, or genitals) or other private areas like the belly, legs, waist, or hips.
For some men, touching or being touched, even superficially, by their beloved, is so pleasurable that the line between affection and seduction becomes blurred, and they take the petting up a notch, thinking they are both feeling the same things. Meanwhile, the woman often feels startled, taken off guard, annoyed or used.
Another important distinction with touch is: Whose need is it primarily fulfilling? If the touch you are initiating is primarily indulging your own impulse or desire, first ask yourself: is it something that will be well-received, or am I doing this just for me? Am I looking at my spouse as “person I love and want to pleasure” or “piece of meat for my own amusement”? Ideally touch can often be mutually pleasurable, but this requires sensitivity, communication, and empathy.
Men (and sometimes women) often feel they have the right of touch when it comes to a spouse, whenever they want. But some people need a heads up, a warm up, or a request for permission to proceed. Some husbands are hurt or confused by the idea of having to ask before touching. This is not usually meant as an insult, or means of being controlling; it’s more of a sense of safety and security around one’s own body and self. And it’s a good investment in the relationship.
This is not a conversation that most couples will overtly have, but one that they will often tap dance around nonverbally- either as a theme, or once in awhile.
If you welcome any kind of touch at any time, feel free to let your spouse know that, but don’t assume that the feeling is mutual, especially if you’re getting cues to the contrary. If you are someone who dislikes spontaneous touch, or only enjoys erotic touch under certain circumstances, do speak up respectfully, and let your partner know how you feel; chances are if those boundaries are being crossed, it’s due to a lack of awareness or understanding, not from a desire to offend.
Husbands- this is your cheat sheet for affection vs. seduction: If it’s any private part of the body, and/or any sort of swatting, pinching, grabbing, or nibbling- it’s probably sexual. If it’s gentle, loving, and appropriate for your daughter, it’s affection. In either case, it’s worth discussing the boundaries and preferences, so that the touching (or abstaining) you do can be received with the love you intend.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
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Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com