“Does My Anxiety Mean I Lack Emunah?”
By: Elisheva Liss
Tzivi is a deeply devout 24 year old mother and wife. She prays twice daily, while raising her toddler and baby, and working 30 hours a week, while her husband pursues Rabbinical studies in Yeshiva. She has suffered from an anxiety disorder since middle school, but you would never know it to speak to her; she presents as calm, soft-spoken, and content. In therapy, she describes what it’s like in her head; the constant questioning, the unwelcome, far-fetched, pesky fears that crop up inconveniently and intrusively. She expresses a particular guilt about her anxiety:
“The worst part is that everyone probably thinks I’m this holy Jew, but I know it’s not true- if I really had emunah, I wouldn’t have all this worry. Even when I start saying Tehillim, it’s like, I think I can pretend to control fate with it. And of course, because I’m such a faker, I’m actually probably deserving of the bad things that I fear will happen! So then I validate my own fears, and the cycles starts again…”
Admittedly, it can be tricky to navigate that fine line between clinical professionalism and theological ponderings. I’m not a Rabbi nor a prophet. But after years of speaking with women like Tzivi, researching (conflicting) primary sources, and working on my own thoughts and beliefs, I’ve formulated my own subjective, personal, religious, and professional perspective on this problem:
I believe that having anxiety is not necessarily an indication of low emunah, but that emunah can be used as a valuable tool when addressing anxiety.
A person can have strong emunah and high anxiety, weak emunah and little anxiety, as well as strong emunah with low anxiety, or weak emunah along with high anxiety. I believe they are very weakly correlated characteristics. I observe this empirically- holy men and women of deep, abiding faith and spiritual connection, who are nonetheless plagued by worries and fears. And the reverse: individuals who don’t specifically hold or practice any particular belief, and don’t seem to be terribly stressed. Perhaps this is because emunah is spiritual and intellectual, while anxiety is largely emotional, and even visceral. Tzivi can believe intellectually, philosophically in G-d and His goodness, trust that He has a plan, but also be aware that there is still pain, suffering, and uncertainty, and fear the unpleasantness of it coming her way.
An analogy might be a mom who says:
“Does the fact that I sometimes lose patience with my children indicate a lack of love for them?”
I believe the healthy answer is something like:
“No, very loving moms lose patience with their kids all the time. You may have constant love for them in your soul, but emotionally, you sometimes get aggravated. But you can use your deep love for them as a catalyst and an instrument for improving parental patience. When you find yourself about to snap at them, try to access your love and regroup. It won’t be foolproof or overnight, but it can help.”
Most people would acknowledge the possibility of simultaneously loving one’s children and also getting annoyed at them. It might be a similar interplay with emunah and anxiety: I believe in and trust G-d, but I don’t like to suffer, and, in fact, He never promised no suffering. So I worry, but I also remind myself that accessing my faith, spiritually, can help me, emotionally, to access my serenity. It’s not a one time, one step process; it’s an ongoing dynamic within the psyche, a practice, a journey of continuous becoming.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com