My Kid “Frummed out” in Israel:
Should We be Glad or Concerned?
Seven Talking Points for Parents
By: Elisheva Liss, LMFT
“It’s not that I mind Rachel becoming more religious; we expected that to a degree, when we allowed her to go to Israel for the year. It’s the way she now relates to her family, her old friends, and how her personality seems to have changed. She just doesn’t seem like herself anymore, and it doesn’t seem so healthy.”
Does this sound familiar? With the “year in Israel” phenomenon over a generation old, (in some cases even two), there is considerable debate regarding its merits and ramifications.
Most parents who have sent a child will probably have some observations and opinions about the changes they observe, and there is a lot to be said about that. This article will attempt to distinguish the more wholesome effects from the more problematic ones.
Is the “flip-out” phenomenon something to celebrate, or something to worry about? The short answer, obvious as it sounds, is: It depends on how it’s done.
This question is critical, specifically because it is relevant to such large numbers of young adults, their families, and future families. It’s complex because of the wide variability in the different situations, and lack of real statistical evidence or research. As such, this is merely an opinion piece, based on anecdotally observed evidence.
When is religious transformation healthy? We can break it down into categories:
- A more stringent interpretation and observance of Halacha: where is it coming from?
If your child was exposed to religious intimidation, sarcasm and condemnation about those less observant, terrifying fear of eternal retribution, peer pressure, or indiscriminate idolization of new mentors, then the new convictions are probably not stemming from a healthy place. Sometimes, on the other hand, they develop gradually, after honest questioning, delving into multiple primary sources, and consultation with knowledgeable scholars. The commitments can be explained and substantiated in a calm rational way (rather than emotionally defensive way), and are paired with respect for others. In these cases, Halachic growth can be a beauti inspired, and healthy way to express a desire toward connection and commitment to G-d, oneself, other people, Torah and Judaism.
- Attitudes towards family and old friends:
If the young adult seems to have suddenly replaced his/her loving parental relationships with new mentors, to the point of exclusion or disparagement, this could be a red flag. If there seems to be some fierce or secretive allegiance between the individual and these new mentors, where there is deliberate withholding or withdrawing from others, this could be cause for concern. If he/she seems to feel far superior to those who did not share in the “Israel experience,” this is also unhealthy development. On the other hand, if there is a healthy, open, honest, respect and love for family and friends, along with a genuine desire to unimposingly share and discuss what he/she learned from new mentors, and integrate new friends, that could demonstrate wholesome expression of expanding social and ideological horizons.
- Changes in Personality:
This one is a little trickier, because they can be subtle and organic. Almost everyone will change somewhat over the course of a year- wherever they are. We don’t usually notice this when we’re there while it’s happening. Superficial changes in speech patterns, such as more refined language, (for example, giving up foul language) less gossip, sarcasm, or frivolity, more attempts to give the benefit of the doubt or speak well of others, could be a person’s conscious attempt to be a kinder more substantive individual, and could be encouraged, even if it feels a little extreme, compared to the “old self”. The same holds true for teens who trade in their pop culture interests for more intellectual, spiritual, charitable, or otherwise substantive pursuits.
The interpolation of “Hebrewisms,” (such as “lama lo?” for “why not?”), “Jewishisms” (such as “Baruch Hashem”) or “Yiddishisms” (such as “geshmak” for “fantastic”) while may come out sounding supercilious or grate on the nerves sometimes, are also a natural outgrowth of being in a new social environment. If he/she had spend a year abroad, in, for instance, France, no doubt certain popular French expressions and inflections would creep into the vocabulary as well.
On the other hand, if the content of the person’s speech and/or behavior is coming out preachy, arrogant, condescending, sarcastic, judgmental, abrasive, pretentious, or overly intense, that may be cause for concern. If all humor is lost, if the person seems negatively obsessed with minutia to the point of compulsion, if there is an overwhelming flagellation of self, constantly criticizing either self or others, always second-guessing whether things are permissible or appropriate, there might be an unhealthy imbalance.
- Relationship to New Mentors:
This section is delicate. One phenomenon of the year in Israel, is that due to its dramatic nature, the time of life, the intensity of thinking, the closeness of the friendships, almost everything feels larger than life. A by-product of this, is that everything or anyone discovered that has some merit, is worthy of consideration, or is any way admirable becomes- and you have to say this with your eyes closed- “AMAZING!!” Some discernment is lost, in the desire to embrace all perceived virtue enthusiastically and piously. So Rabbis and teachers who are knowledgeable and charismatic, in varying, and sometimes impressive degrees, are put on, often unrealistic, pedestals. This isn’t necessarily inherently harmful, but becomes problematic when students begin to crave their attentions, approval, and advice, in excess. This is often exacerbated when some mentors play into this ego trip by encouraging the superlative impressions and hence authority. It becomes more worrying when students begin to make important life choices impacting their future on the basis of dogmatic, even forceful, advice, disguised as “psak”. Beware especially of mentors who seem to rejoice in how many he/she can “convert”.
Another point that is disturbing to have to make: Young women often become very attached to Rabbeim they feel inspire them. The onus is on the Rabbi to make very clear, appropriate boundaries in terms of how close and how open this relationship becomes. While girls speaking flirtatiously to the Rabbis needs to be discouraged, in the end the adult is at fault when he is too comfortable, jokes around too freely, makes comments that are too personal, and ultimately abuses his role, even if no overt harm was done.
Female mentors can also pose a problem in terms of cultivating dependency or crossing boundaries, and likewise Rebbeim with male students.
On a cheerier note, mature, new mentors who maintain healthy boundaries, and are not ego-driven, can take the whole student into account, and have adequate life wisdom, can often be excellent sources of thought provoking insight, encouragement, and inspiration for students to incorporate as a supplement to their own thinking.
- How drastically have his/her values and life plans changed?
Sometimes, a student graduates 12th grade with a clear sense of identity. S/he may have certain consistent and responsible educational goals, career interests, hobbies, values, opinions about future dating and family life, taste in communities. If in Israel, there has been a very stark and startling alteration in all of that, then it’s probably advisable for him/her to wait some time before beginning to date for marriage, or making any significant irrevocable life decisions. This doesn’t mean that people are not entitled to change their views, or develop differently in young adulthood than they did in adolescence. It just means that while some change is good, when it’s dramatic, and has occurred in a radically different environment, it can be destabilizing, and then needs to be reevaluated when the person is back on familiar ground. As it is, there is so much change after high school, so many critical choices to be made, that it can be overwhelming, even without the Israel factor. Lifestyles that can appear idyllic, even romantic, viewed through 18-year-old rosy eyes in Israel, might prove less practical if attempted immediately and without adequate forethought. Allowing for some time to digest what they’ve seen and learned, while integrating the philosophies back into their natural lives, will help the dust settle before any hasty decisions are made. After time, there is always room to implement whatever changes they still feel will work for them with integrity, logistics, and more confidence.
- Feelings about recreation, materialism, and pleasure.
One of the less healthy responses people will sometimes experience while in the process of “spiritualizing”, is the misconception that “if I hate it, it’s good for me, and if I enjoy it, it’s probably sinful”. While reevaluating how we spend our time, money, and energy can be meaningful and lead to more purposeful living, this too, must be done in moderation and taking the relative self into account. Some lifestyles in Israel are often culturally very different from those in New York. That can sometimes seem refreshing and wholesome to a bright-eyed young adult, and in fact there is something to learn from those who simplify and embody “clean living”. But, like anything else, this can be taken too far, and one should remember that not everything that’s “extra” is overly indulgent, and that nurturing oneself and appreciating the joys and comforts of G-d’s world is a Torah value as well. Finding the right medium will depend on the individual’s background, means, personality, and preference. Either way, mocking lifestyles of those who make different choices those areas, should always be discouraged.
- Re-identification of Self:
When a young adult is formulating an outlook on life, there is a certain amount of rejection that is necessary. As s/he experiments with different philosophies, there is naturally a process of elimination. But ultimately, the goal should be to have a clearly defined sense of self, including positive objectives that uplift and express. Yet sometimes people get stuck in the phase of elimination, and begin to identify themselves by what they aren’t, or what they avoid. If a person says: “my hashkafa is that I don’t watch television” or “I don’t wear certain clothes” or “I don’t eat those foods” or “I don’t want to live in New York” the important question to ask is: Ok, but who are you? What do you embrace? What positive values and interests appeal to you personally and spiritually? It’s okay to try giving up activities or behaviors that you find unproductive, but that abstinence is not what defines you. What do you hope to do with that time and energy instead? The emphasis should ideally be on what does vivify and express you.
Of all these general descriptions, students will rarely fall on one extreme of the spectrum. Anyone, regardless of age or station in life can occasionally be judgmental, picayune, pretentious, or supercilious, and personal development always needs to be tempered with humility and tolerance. It’s perfectly normal for someone immediately returning, or even several months back from Israel to have a touch of this “post-Israel syndrome”, the natural “culture shock” and intensity that could irritate or concern loved ones. We want our young adult children to return with a sense of purpose, inspiration and direction. The key to working through some of the zealotry is constructive communication, gentle honesty, and acceptance on both ends. And the underestanding that change can be good, as long as it occurs with integrity, is healthy for oneself and considerate of others.
*This piece was originally published in the Five Towns Jewish Times.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com