Yesterday, I was supposed to be correcting the formatting work for the manuscript of my first and upcoming book. But I got bored, and instead started journaling about how nervous I feel about publishing it. Using my well-established, questionable judgement, I opted to share this "rant" on my facebook page.. not exactly sure why, I guess because interacting with facebook friends is also way more fun than tedious paperwork. And I was also hoping maybe it would provide a chuckle for my writing group colleagues. But in the end, it was even better: For some people, it seems to have touched a nerve- I've been getting interesting public and private feedback about how these feelings are really not specific to writing, but exemplify self-doubt applicable to any expression of creativity, self-definition, or vulnerability. So I thought: once I'm going all out there, I'll take it a step further, and maybe others will relate too. So... here goes:

True confessions of an almost-author:

As I stand within (hopefully!) a few days of launching my book, I would like to share my pre-launch panic attack, and vent all my doubts, fears, insecurities, hopes, dreams, and neuroses…

Truth? I’m kind of terrified. I mean, I’m also psyched and pumped, and occasionally grandiose-fantasizing about being interviewed by Oprah and Ellen, but also, and mainly, terrified. This book has some really personal stuff- like, actual personal information, but also, the way I think, and feel, and work, and parent, and struggle. Here are some of my fears and doubts, because I’ve found that, at least so far, I tend to be my harshest critic, and in the wise but rhymey words of Sue Johnson: If you can name it, you can tame it:

1 Worst fear: My book will hurt someone. I mean, the hard copy could technically be used, in the wrong hands, as a violent weapon of mini destruction, or cause multiple paper cuts, but I meant more that the content could hurt someone’s feelings. Or maybe I forgot to thank someone in the acknowledgements- that would be awful…

2 It may have dumb, embarrassing errors, typos, mistakes, repetitions, repetitions, and formatting snafus. Despite several rounds of editing...

3 It will be poorly received. Like, only a few copies sold to my siblings and close friends, and then.. crickets.

4 Or, maybe worse: bad reviews. I try really hard not to let my self-image be dictated by others’ opinions, but still, my inner teenager would be pretty bummed to get a lot of bad reviews. Especially if they made good points like:

5 It’s too low-brow:
It’s colloquial and unprofessional- it doesn’t quote much research or science; it’s intellectually light-weight, it’s fluffy and chatty and trite and rambly and a waste of time and money and dead trees.

6 It’s too high brow:
It’s not playful enough for this genre- it needs to get more down and real, less therapist-preachy bossy and heavy.

7 It’s irreverent: It's silly. It’s not becoming of a midlife mama, and a religious woman. I will then be shunned by my family, community and leaders, and permanently branded with a scarlet “L.” And exiled to Siberia.

8 It’s too reverent: it references G-d/ spirituality too much- it won’t appeal to a more liberal mind and will be dismissed as hippy, cultish propaganda.

9 I need to lose weight first (which, everyone knows, has EVERYTHING to do with publishing a book.)

10 It will be mocked. And scoffed. And parodied on SNL by millennial comedians with scatological humor.

11 People will say: “I feel like she’s trying to be funny, but it’s more like, cringe-y. She’s (still) a nerd.”

12 Someone will say: “Elisheva Reich Liss? I haven’t heard that name in years. But my therapist and I are still working through my participation in her school bus children’s production of Little Orphan Annie, back in 1988.” (True story..)

13 People (including me, maybe) will think: “Who does she think she is to write a book on healthy thinking? I’ve seen her in lousy moods, and heard her rant angrily and pointlessly about lots of stuff. And I’ve seen how much junk food her kids eat, and how messy her house is, and that she is (obviously) fashion-challenged. She’s probably just overcompensating and insecure, and also, a raging narcissist, looking to the masses for attention, validation, and approbation. And once, I had a whole conversation with her and she didn’t even realize she had blueberry skin on her front tooth. What a moron. Let’s have her exiled to Siberia.”

14 Then I have this weird fear that it actually would do well, because- you know how sometimes, deep down, we fear success and happiness even more than failure and misery? Because, as a professor I had in grad school once said: We fear change so much that we tend to favor familiar problems over unfamiliar solutions. And, you hear all these stories of people who are suddenly successful and then they have a breakdown, or self-sabotage, and they go ahead and tank their lives. And maybe end up in Siberia.

Ok, I feel a little better now- glad I got that out of my system, and thanks for listening!

(PS If this type of introspective TMI self-disclosure resonates with you, there is a chance you might not hate my book.)

 
 
 



Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?

Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?


(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)


Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.


It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.


Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.


Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.


It’s determined by and customized to each couple.


There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)


When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.


Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?


The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)

The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.


Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:

“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.


I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.


It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.


Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!


The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”


Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.





Check out my course!

A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret

 

Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com