Have you ever found that happiness sometimes brings fear? That often when we find, receive, or achieve something good, it’s almost like: “Wait- this is too good to be true… when does the other shoe drop?” Or maybe a questioning of “Do I really deserve this? What did I have to forfeit in order to luck out like this?”
I’ve always struggled to understand the notion of happiness. I remember (probably) well-meaning teachers and preachers from my childhood, who would rhetorically demand things like: “How can we just go along with our merry lives when people are suffering all over the world, and right here in our own back yards?!” I internalized that survivor guilt dutifully- in fact, vaguely suffering vicariously for humanity for a long time, and questioning my right to enjoy life. Whenever indulging in laughter or playfulness, it was niggled with a sense of callousness to the “rest of the world”.
Fast-forward a bunch of years and a lot of soul-searching and life experience. I’ve learned to compartmentalize. I’ve learned about context and calibration. I’ve learned that being chronically, ideologically miserable about problems I can’t immediately solve, helps no one. I’ve learned that happy people who invest in mindful, judicious self-care tend to contribute more to the world than those mired in righteous indignation and victimhood. And I’ve learned a lot about different flavors of happiness.
A few years ago, a young therapist posed a question on the Nefesh Orthodox professional forum, asking for ideas of how we maintain hope and happiness while working with pain for a living. The excerpt below is from my reply.
Hope and happiness are elusive ideals, as our eyes are continually opened to different and disturbing realities. In general, the ongoing discovery of all that is scary, violent, wrong, painful, and traumatic in the world, continually challenges our generally innate youthful joy and optimism. As someone who tries to live with faith, I've adopted the following construct that helps me personally, but everyone is unique, so it might not work for everyone:
There are many different "flavors" and stages of happiness. The unadulterated glee of a laughing baby or toddler. The curious excitement of young children, the ambitious optimism of idealistic young adults. When we're little, most of us learned of a world that was mostly good and safe- the dialogue, TV shows, books, to which we were exposed, created a vision of near-utopia, where the good guy always wins, and kids can sleep safe and sound. To some extent, children need that sense of security. As we get older, and confront more harsh realities, we struggle to make room and sense of it, within our schema of "good world". From skinned knees and mean teachers, to breakups and financial worries, to illness and tragedy, life brings ample opportunity to learn how to cope with negative experience.
Most of us do alright with the "regular stuff", but struggle more with the bigger crises; personal and/or global. This is where my theology helps me. The more suffering, pain, and "unfairness" we see, the harder it is to stay happy and see the world as good. Unless, this isn't all there is. As a kid, I heard in school about being in "exile" but to me, it didn't feel that real or bad. Psalms, with its frequent references to our evil enemies trying to kill us, felt very dramatic and unrelatable, as did the blessings in Shmoneh Esre addressing exile, suffering, oppression, and redemption.
Then I grew up. I now feel our exile acutely. Exile means a world not yet corrected. I witness severe human pain firsthand. Mental health is in exile. Physical health is in exile. Marriage, and the institution of family are in exile. Education is in exile. Religious leadership is in exile. Whenever I get that indignant or hopeless feeling of: "This is not how it's supposed to be!" I reply to myself: "Right, this is not how it's supposed to be; this is exile, and exile hurts. That's why we pray for redemption."
Being in exile doesn't obligate us to be constantly upset. There are times set aside to focus on that emotional experience; like in parts of prayer, fast days, and the Three Weeks. In particular, there are parts of tefila that speak to me as a therapist: "purify our hearts to serve You in truth" "see, please, our suffering" "want our serenity” “place upon us peace, goodness, blessing, grace, kindness and compassion" and "a great love you have for us" to quote a few.
Being in exile gives context to our sense that all is not ok. It is a catalyst for striving for tikkum olam (world rectification). Dennis Prager often, correctly, says: "The happy make the world better, and the unhappy make it worse, and so it's a moral obligation to try to be happy." Part of striving for tikkun is striving for happiness. But not the naive, ignorance-is-bliss happiness of childhood. Mature happiness includes the perspective and acknowledgement that we are not living in the ideal setup. But that even when and where we are, there is much to enjoy, much to achieve, and in which to take pleasure. To recognize the value of human life and potential, the capacity to persevere, the gifts and resources at our disposal, and how we can use our privilege to better mankind. Mature happiness is not giddy, but transcendent, not frenetic but patient. And mature happiness is not effortless. It's far easier to be angry, sad, resentful, fearful when confronted with suffering and injustice. Mature happiness requires much work, introspection, grappling, and sometimes research or help. Mature happiness accepts the ebb and flow of existential angst and tranquility, but with the stable awareness that “this too shall pass”, and that there is always more to the story, that G-d has a plan, even if we can’t understand or appreciate it. It’s so much easier said than done. And I’ve definitely not done it completely myself yet. But when these moments of inner peace are attained, they can yield endurance and productivity. Knowing all this, doesn't mean we won't struggle with the pain and questions. It just means we have a framework with which to address them. And that we know, we're in exile, and exile is temporary. It doesn't feel good, and we’d never ask for it, but it's part of the plan. Mature happiness doesn't resist or deny imperfection; it acknowledges it, feels it, absorbs it, and still moves forward with hope. There are hard times. And better times. Some we can impact and for others we can just show up, in person or in prayer. Mature happiness is wise, resilient and empowering.
This construct also helps me understand why we read such an ostensibly depressing Megilla on the holiday called: The Time of Our Joy. In Ecclesiastes, which we read this week, King Solomon repeatedly asks: “What benefit is there for all we can do under the sun?” Some interpret this as a rhetorical surrender of hope. Yet others read it as a sincere quest for meaning. He repeatedly refers to this world as Hevel. This is usually translated as “vanity” or “futility” but in fact it means “air.” Not air that floats around us, (that is “avir”) but specifically air that is respirated by humans. This world is like air- it’s not inherently good or bad, but what we do with it.
We’re coming off the intensity of the high holidays, and counting the literal and figurative harvests of our year. We could be wrung out with worry about how we performed on these days of awe, what the upcoming year in fact has in store. But G-d says no, at this point, we are finished with the fasting and the chest-beating; there is “a time for everything” – and now we are to challenge ourselves to feel joy. Not the joy of oblivious frivolity, but one deepened and humbled by the knowledge that we’ve sinned and tried our best to repair. We’ve encountered another full year of laughter and tears, and we could get bogged down by the rain, but we choose to seek the sun. This holiday kicks off the year with a theme of personal growth- we begin with self-care: purchasing fine clothes and food, to embrace material comfort and pleasure. We build a Sukka topped with organic materials, to symbolize G-d’s loving embrace and protection. We take four species that grow from the ground, and represent the various functions and types of humans. We show that we are looking upward and onward, we sing Hallel. We put the past to rest, and we celebrate with loves ones. We choose joy.
Chag same’ach :)
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
Check out my course!
A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com