Powerful Judges Raping Women in this Week’s Parsha
There is so much kid-friendly content in this week’s parsha, and such an abbreviated week for studying it, that we often just gloss over this nasty incident. The verse tells us that “the sons of leaders/judges/celestial emissaries saw the daughters of humans,” and that they were “good” and they “took for themselves whomever they chose.” Rashi elaborates: These were people of status and authority, and they would snatch brides out from before their weddings to be the “firsts” to “own” them sexually.
It sounds eerily familiar, and as we read last week: “There is nothing new under the sun.” The reality and concern that men in power can and do take advantage of women is literally as old as humankind. It has always been morally reprehensible, to the point where it precedes the incredible statements that: G-d didn’t want to “deal with judging the flesh of man”… and had “regrets/reconsiderations over having created him.” Harsh and shocking words- if it were not right there in the text, it would be hard to believe. (And in fact, there is much commentary on this.)
Given the long and ugly history humanity has with the overall treatment of women globally, it’s understandable that many good men and women’s instinct is to emphatically rally behind every woman who comes forward, and to immediately demonize any man who is even accused of misconduct.
Yet there is another Torah principle that is germane to these hot button current events: Respect and Suspect.
In general, when we view other human beings, we are enjoined to approach them with both respect and suspicion. That means I can look at an unknown person and simultaneously think: “S/he is probably a good, honest person with noble intentions. And at the same time, all humans are flawed and temptable, and it would be foolhardy to give them the passwords to all my private accounts.” I treat people with kindness and assume the best in them, but I also recognize that I need to self-protect in the space of question. Respect and trust are not the same thing.
I may sincerely deem my neighbor to be a perfect gentleman, but I still wouldn’t go off to a dark, secluded location with him (even without the brilliant laws of yichud). Respect and suspect.
When a woman says she has been hurt by a man, that she is a victim- she deserves our empathy, our listening ear, our protection, our support in seeking treatment, truth, and justice. When a man says he is innocent, the victim of libel, he likewise, deserves our respect, our ear, our protection from premature or potential false vilification, and our support in seeking out truth and justice. Truth and justice are necessarily “the best we can do” ideals when it comes to human limitation. We look at evidence, testimony, witnesses, and the presumption of innocent until proven guilty, notwithstanding politics and the intense emotions triggered.
There are many cases when, due to lack of evidence, it will be up to G-d alone to make the final judgement call, since He is the only one who knows what really happened. Attempted sexual assault can wreak havoc on a life. False or mistaken accusations of sexual assault can wreak havoc on a life. We hope and pray for a time when everyone is safe from any sort of attack- body or character, and none of this occurs anymore. But for now, it does- too often. Yet as far as we are concerned, all humans of any gender who have not been proven guilty of violent crimes or of malicious slander deserve our basic respect and their human rights.
Have you ever wondered how often people engage in sexual activity?
Or how often is optimal for healthy, happily married couples to aim for?
(I purposely used the euphemism “be intimate” in the title because often, people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may prefer to say things like : “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.” Whatever works:)
Couples therapists get this question a lot, especially from people who feel like they didn't or don't have enough information in the area of sexuality education.
It’s a legitimate curiosity, but the answer may be unsatsifying.
Firstly: “supposed to” is not a great framework for healthy sex. It works better when the focus is on mutual pleasure, not obligation or comparison.
Second: Frequency is not something that is mandated. Not psychologically, not legally, not Biblically.
It’s determined by and customized to each couple.
There is a Medrash that describes this, and is quoted by Rashi in this week’s Torah portion (I’m writing this the week of VaYishlach, but you can read it any week:)
When Yaakov sent gifts of livestock to his brother Esav, the Torah lists in great detail, the numbers and species of all the animals in the caravan.
Why do we care how many he-goats and she-goats there were?
The answer offered is that the ratio of male to female animals was determined by how often they needed to mate, which was determined by how strenuously they worked. The Medrash extrapolates an analogy to human mating schedules. (The paradigm used by the Talmudic literature is phrased in terms of a husband’s requirement to be available for his wife, not the reverse, but sex should always be consensual both ways.)
The Medrash says that men of leisure might be available daily, laborers twice weekly, donkey drivers once a week, camel drivers ones a month, and sailors/ those who travel for work, every six months.
Of course these are just some examples but Rashi goes on to explain:
“From here we learn that this need is not equal to every person [or couple.]” It depends on the couple’s individual schedules, emotional, and physical limitations and needs.
I’ve heard many people say that they were initially under the impression that couples only have sex when they want to conceive a baby. They were genuinely shocked to learn otherwise. This is not so ludicrous, when you consider the fact that many young people are taught about sex only in the framework of “how babies are made” if that much. Of course, most couples have far more sexual activity than they do children or attempts to conceive them.
It’s a legitimate query to ask how often couples have sex, but there isn’t a one size fits all answer.
Naturally there are some broad, cultural averages, and data. The most commonly quoted one is approximately once a week, but the numbers range significantly, and fluctuate within each couple based on many variables, such as stages of life like pregnancies, having babies and young children, medical or situational factors, and other variables that often make it challenging or more feasible. So please do not use that average to shame yourself or your partner for wanting more or less than that!
The healthiest answer to "how often should a couple be intimate is “as often as works well for both of them at each stage and season of life.”
Desire discrepancies and changes in libido over time are normal, but if you're finding that yours or your partner's are feeling disruptive to your relationship, please take the time to have a loving, strategizing conversation about it with your spouse, read up on the subject, and if necessary reach out for help.
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A Religious Families Guide to Healthy Holy Sex Education: Sacred Not Secret
Elisheva Liss, LMFT is a psychotherapist in private practice. Her book, Find Your Horizon of Healthy Thinking, is available on Amazon.com. She can be reached for sessions or speaking engagements at speaktosomeone@gmail.com More of her content can be found at ElishevaLiss.com