Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 19th, 2022

*This originally appeared in the Five Towns Jewish Times State of Mind column*  Dear Elisheva,   I would imagine my problem is not unique, but I just find myself getting stuck and anxious from it. I’m 23 years old, in Yeshiva most of the day, and finishing up my Bachelors. I’ve been dating someone for a little over three weeks now. She is 21, also in college, and working part time. She’s really great- smart, interestin …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

May 10th, 2022

*This post was excerpted from my schmoozeletter email.*
      The following is a conversation that comes up a lot with my couples in therapy:       Me: So what would you say are the challenges you're facing in your relationship that you want to address together?       Him: Our intimate life isn't great. We're not "together" often and when we are it seems to fall flat.       Her: Fo …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 7th, 2022

*This post is an excerpt from my schmoozeletter email. Subscribe to it for free here: elishevaliss.com/newsletter *       Once upon a time, there was a young, sincere couple, who married and loved each other. But they had one problem: Even after a few years of happy matrimony, the wife said she was having trouble enjoying physical intimacy. The husband felt bad about this, and went to seek advice from his Rabbi and mentor.   & …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

February 27th, 2022

Trigger warning: this post discusses sexual trauma Zeesy, a 19-year-old newlywed, was referred for intense erotophobia- a fear of sexual activity. It’s been about three months since their wedding, but her aversion to sexual touch seems to be getting worse. Her young husband is worried, and the premarital educator who sent her asks me:   “Do you think something happened to her?”   What she means, of course, is trauma- s …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 18th, 2022

In serving as a therapist for an almost completely religiously affiliated population, one issue that arises very, very often, is the hot-button issue of “modesty” – or as it’s called in Hebrew: Tzniyus/ tzniyut. When we talk about this, it often revolves around unhealthy and even traumatic ways that clients feel these messages were conveyed to them within their families, communities, or schools. In particular, women and gi …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 13th, 2022

This piece originally appeared as a column in the Five Towns Jewish Times: Dear Elisheva, We think we may have an issue with our son and his Rebbe, and we’re not sure what to do about it. According to our son, who is in middle school, this Rebbe has been routinely picking on him and some of the other kids, in ways that seem unfair and unkind. I’ve heard the other kids joking about him playing favorites and randomly yelling at some kid …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 4th, 2022

Yitzi’s parents really thought they’d taught him enough: “No one is allowed to touch you in parts of your body covered by a bathing suit. Most people are good and safe, but there are some other sick people out there who like to hurt children, and do bad things, so if they try to do that, you should run away and tell someone you trust.” They checked off the sexual safety education box and thought he was now “safe.&rdq …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

December 18th, 2021

This originally appeared in a Five Towns Jewish Times column:   Dear Elisheva, I can’t decide whether my problem is marital or personal- probably both, but here it is. My wife and I both grew up religious. We were on pretty much the same page when we got married. But over the years, my feelings and opinions have slowly been changing. I’m looking at our community, our lifestyles, and the kids’ schools from different angles, …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 1st, 2021

“I think it was the earrings that were the final straw for me.” The young woman is explaining to me how she went from being a scrupulously rule-following Bais Yaakov high school junior, to the 19 year old who’d lost track of how many men with whom she’s slept. “The earrings?” I repeated. “Yeah. My high school principal came up to me after davening one day, and told me that my earrings weren’t tniyus …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 27th, 2021

  A few years ago, I got a call from a mother, distraught over something that was happening at her kids’ school. Her 12 year old daughter was in avelus, and the school had told her that she needed to wait in the office, while her grade practiced for a music and dance performance. The girl felt like she was being punished for being in mourning and was devastated. The mom asked me to call the school and speak with them. I called the scho …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 4th, 2021

It's the very first mitzvah in the Torah. And for some, it's very straightforward: Get married, start a family, don't stop until your body does. But for those who believe in the option to practice birth control, whether autonomously or in consultation with a posek, important questions arise:   How do you decide when to start trying for a baby?       How many kids should we have?       When do we stop having ki …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 30th, 2021

Were you taught to believe that “divorce” is a curse word? That we don’t even say the “d” word?   When I was a young, idealistic grad school student, a professor told us: “We are not in the business of saving marriages. We’re in the business of helping people.”   At the time, I (arrogantly) thought: “Well, maybe those are your values. I want to save marriages.”   I stil …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

April 15th, 2021

Every so often, I meet a colleague who offers the opportunity to collaborate in a way that aligns perfectly with my own mission and values. Blimie Heller, and her beautiful approach, Unconditional Parenting, is one such colleague. In this conversation, we tackle the vital topic of child sexual safety education in a way that is practical, culturally sensitive, and easily applicable to most families. Enjoy this free video resource: https://www.inst …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 25th, 2021

How a Chacham Becomes a Rasha: Some Thoughts about Questions   A few years ago, I was speaking with a high school student who was struggling with her faith. She told me that she’d learned some material in her Halacha class that upset her. When she shared it with me, I had to admit that I’d never heard of it before, and encouraged her to ask her teacher for sources, so she could at least research and try to understand the basis fo …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 17th, 2021

Trigger Warning: This post contains sensitive content about child sexual abuse.   *Like all vignettes featured in this blog, it reflects not one specific true story, but a disguised amalgam of too many. It changes any potentially identifying information but preserves clinically relevant details.*   “I know this might sound strange. But we were kids. We were pretty sheltered- no TV or internet in our house, hardly any newspa …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

March 9th, 2021

Some men say it with embarrassment, others with indignation or frustration, and still others in defeat: “I’m not trying to be demanding or controlling. But I really wish my wife would dress up for me once in a while. When we go out, in our bedroom, or just the way she presents herself in general. It’s not that I don’t think she’s naturally pretty- she really is and I tell her so. But I know a lot of women …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 27th, 2021

What do you call something that's not exactly therapy, not exactly a course, not exactly a support group, but kind of has elements of all three?

This isn't a joke with a punchline. I don't actually know what you call it, but I think I'm starting one anyway. Here's the truth about what's been going on: The last few months, I've been fielding more messages and calls than I can responsibly handle in the way of questions, new clients and …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

January 14th, 2021

  Confronting the Less Popular Sexual Sins: A Shovavim Plea   Sexual sins are possibly the most interesting of sins. There are few transgressions more titillating, more shamed, and more taboo than those having to do with succumbing to desires of the flesh. During this time of the Jewish calendar, some communities have a custom to focus on atoning for sins in the realm of sexual immorality. Some examples I’ve heard are reviewing th …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

December 10th, 2020

*Trigger warning: This post touches on the topic of sexual trauma. Proceed with caution.* “I was taught that my husband’s purity and holiness are basically my responsibility. As long as we can ‘be together,’ that saves him from sin. And if we’re not, then I’m guilty,” she explains tearfully. “It feels like my job as a wife to be there for him that way.” His facial expression implies that his i …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

December 9th, 2020

Have you ever noticed that some people will swear that therapy totally changed their lives for the better, and others will say they’ve tried repeatedly and gotten nowhere? Still others will say they don’t even believe in the idea of it- that it’s just a waste of time and money.   It could be just a case of “strokes and folks,” but I think there might be a little more to it than that in some cases. &nbs …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

December 2nd, 2020

Have you ever wondered how often people have sex?
(I purposely used the nebulously awkward euphemism “be intimate” in the title because generally people who ask this question in the framework of “supposed to” are uncomfortable with the more direct language of “have sex.” They may also say: “be together, do it, make love, have relations, etc.”) In my line of work, I get this question a lot, be …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

November 28th, 2020

At the root of so many people’s questions, doubts, insecurities and fears, lies this niggling question:   Am I normal?   And it shows up in a variety of permutations:   Is this normal?   My history?   My family?   My thoughts, feelings, relationships?   And buried even deeper than that for many is the alternative:   “Am I abnormal? Dysfunctional? Crazy?&r …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 18th, 2020

Couples therapy is intense work. Back in grad school, I had a professor say: “We’re not in the business of saving marriages. We’re in the business of helping people.” At the time, I was young, arrogant, and naively idealistic, and I thought: “Well, I’m hoping to save marriages.” After years on the job, I’ve learned that he was right. While thankfully, most of the time, we do help clients save their …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 16th, 2020

When my oldest was two years old, he attended a half day playgroup. One day, while walking him to “school” he told me that he was having “two feelings.” “One feeling is I’m sad that I’m not gonna have my mommy while I’m in school. And the other feeling is that I’m happy when I play with my friends.” I was blown away by his innocent, honest ability to express what even I, as an adult, hav …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 8th, 2020

What’s the point of life? People actually google this; we are so desperately seeking meaning and truth. (Sometimes. Sometimes we seek ice cream and area rugs.) The book of Ecclesiastes, Koheleth, which we have the practice to read during the Sukkoth holiday, chronicles how King Solomon, Shlomo, grappled with this question. A running theme of the book is the phrase: “hakol hevel”- all is ‘hevel.’ But what is “he …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

October 7th, 2020

The more I know, the less I know. Do you relate to this? I sometimes look back at words I wrote with such conviction when I was younger, and realize now that either I no longer agree with my hot-headed earlier self, or I see the issue with more complexity and nuance. Age, in many ways, sharpens my perspectives while softening my rough edges. The Torah describes how in the desert, G-d led the Jews with a pillar of fire at night, and a pillar of cl …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

September 30th, 2020

Hi:) It looks like we're going to have the quietest Sukkos we've ever had, here in the Liss house; hoping that next year we can safely host extended family as we usually do. But for those who might be getting together with relatives, kosher.com invited me to write this piece pre-empting some of the common issues that arise during this busy chagim get-togethers, so I wanted to share it here as well: https://www.kosher.com/lifestyle/10-tips-for-sur …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

September 17th, 2020

“Every year, I struggle with this, when the Yomim Nora’im come around. I want G-d to forgive my misdeeds, so I need to forgive others. And I really try to. If someone owes me money or hurt my feelings, I can really let it go. I’m not a spiteful person; I don’t’ have enemies. But there’s this one thing. My daughter’s teacher in high school- a Rabbi, by title, said and did awful things- not just to her. We …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

September 14th, 2020

Dear _____,   Well, it’s been quite a year. At this time, we have a custom to take interpersonal stock and make amends. Thank you for entrusting me with your thoughts, feelings, and goals. It’s a privilege to work with you. I believe and hope we are accomplishing. Going to therapy involves courage and vulnerability, and I try to honor that, and treat it with care. But I’m a fallible human, and I need to apologize- for the t …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

September 9th, 2020

It’s September/ Elul, and children everywhere are yanking out their uniforms, knapsacks, paperwork, and supplies, packing up lunches and snacks, and getting ready to rejoin the classroom scene. Hustling out to the bus stop, or listening out for the carpool honk, or hopping on bikes, rushing to be on time for the morning bell. “Bye! Love you- have a great day; learn well!” (One of my favorite aspects of homeschooling is no longer …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

August 31st, 2020

For those of you who have been reading this blog for a while, you may have noticed that while I occasionally share examples from my own experiences, there is very little here about the personal details of my life. Part of the professional training that we undergo as part of our education, is the importance of boundaries. In a therapy session, the dialogue is supposed to be focused solely on the client and for the client. Any self-disclosure on th …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

August 19th, 2020

Hey, parents! How are you holding up?? With schools scrambling to formulate and convey their plans to reopen, many parents find themselves faced with the mixed blessing dilemma of choice. Do you send your kids to school in masks and small group capsules, with modified schedules, and stressed out teachers, everything unknown and uncertain as to protocols and risks? Do you opt for the zoom-schooling, distance learning improv that was sampled last y …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

August 12th, 2020

Do you want to work on your relationship in therapy, but have a partner who just doesn’t want to go? Well, you’re not alone. This is a super common and frustrating problem.   The bad news: You can’t generally “make” people want to go to therapy, and even if you technically get them in the door, it’s really, really, hard to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.   The good news: You may have …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 29th, 2020

  This week, we sit shiva for our shattered world. This week we mourn our broken homes. Our temple was destroyed, and even now we continue to watch the walls burn around us. The Churban didn’t just happen millennia ago, but we are taught by Chazal that the damage is ongoing. Hatred, strife, and ignorance fan the flames of destruction, pain, abandonment, and abuse. We don’t see the fire and violence engulfing the actual Temple tod …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 19th, 2020

  Much to my people’s chagrin, we have finally been outed as the nefarious villains that we are.   I feel the safest course of action is to just come forward and confess.   Our grandiose schemes aim for diabolical goals such as world peace, healing the sick, and feeding the poor.   My own agenda for world domination begins with education. I believe in trying to brainwash innocent people across the world into learni …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

July 3rd, 2020

Gittel and Shuey have been married for almost 10 years. They get along fairly well, and are kept busy with their three little ones and their demanding jobs. They’ve come to discuss the ostensible problem of Gittel’s low libido.   “I don’t know what we’re doing wrong,” Shuey began. “I try different ways to give her pleasure, but she just doesn’t seem to be able to enjoy. Her body doesn&rsq …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 25th, 2020

When Korach Tried to Defund the Police As a kid, I remember secretly identifying with Korach’s thinking. Didn’t he just want equality? A place at the table? Was that so bad? Who decides who gets to be in charge? Why can’t there be committees and dialogue about roles? Even to this day, there is a part of me that bucks against authority, rules, and structured hierarchy. In middle school, we once had one of those situations where …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 21st, 2020

Are you one of the many parents who thought they were finally going to get a much-needed break from 24/7 parenting by sending your kids to summer programs, only to find out that now you’re not? Families are scrambling and pivoting plans each day, as the news from the summer programs trickles out and keeps changing. In case this all hasn’t been stressful enough. Last week, I was excited to pre-launch my Intro to Homeschooling course, w …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 8th, 2020

Well- it seems like it's finally happening; after all these surreal days and weeks and months. But how do we prepare for a post-traumatic stress-flavored world? With all the talk about reopening, we still find ourselves just as torn and conflicted as we’ve been for the past three months. (With an ideological civil war to ice the cake on the Pandemic.) The only consistent theme of this COVID19 era is perhaps the inconsistency of it. The lack …
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Author: Elisheva Liss, LMFT

June 4th, 2020

Infidelity Dilemma The following story was shared with me by an acquaintance who: Is not a therapy client of mine Specifically asked me to publicize the story, for reasons that will become clear Is not identifiable due to changed details Aviva finds herself in a painfully difficult situation. She did something wrong and she’s feeling awful. First: some background: Aviva is a 32 year old wife, mom, and teacher. She loves her husband and ch …
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