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Your mind is repeating the word no. Your mouth is communicating otherwise. Shortly after, you find yourself resentful towards a situation you didn’t want to be in.
Setting boundaries has to begin with being okay with someone feeling upset towards you. It is okay to have different thoughts and opinions then others. That is part of what makes you into who you are! You don’t always have to be available to help others. Often, we could become the go to person because we are described as nice and helpful. Other times, unfortunately, it is because others know we have a hard time saying no and they will manipulate you into doing what would benefit them.
Having that information is fine, but how do we work on being more assertive? It is difficult to change your natural/learned behaviors. The more you practice saying no, the easier it will become. Some ideas for practice are sitting in front of the mirror and role play (acting) with a friend. Once you send your brain the message that you could say no, it is a matter of putting it into action.
One of the reasons not being honest to begin with goes back to worrying what the other person will think about you, if they will be upset. Think about that for a minute! If someone will become upset with you because you want to put yourself first, are they the kind of person you should be effected by? It is important to identify those who you feel closer to. Within that, who do you want to go out of your way to accommodate, how much and how often?
Imagine situations where someone who has disrespected your boundaries in the past may approach you again. Prepare how you may respond after saying no the first time. Stay focused, be mindful of what you want and remind yourself that you are the most important person. You have other friends. You don’t need this person’s approval. If they continuously try to sway you after repeating yourself a few times, it is okay to end the conversation.
Where will you set your line?
Zahavah Fishfeld, LMHC is a licensed therapist who focuses on relationships, self-esteem and self growth. She offers a phone consultation as well as sessions in person and through video. Her offices are located in Flatbush and Crown Heights. She can be reached at 845-596-1321 and zahavahsel@gmail.com.