Recently, a day of asking for forgiveness passed. During that time, many made public appeals for everyone to forgive them if they wronged them and vice versa. Is the apology valid?

Why wait until a specific day to ask for forgiveness if you mistreated someone? How many days passed between that day and the day to ask for forgiveness? How would you feel if someone came over after 5 months of wrongdoing knowing that they were motivated by their religious beliefs?

What about those who do not apologize? There is another aspect of all this which is owning up to the fact that you wronged someone. That can make someone very vulnerable! It could take a lot to apologize. What if you lose respect or someone holds it against you in the future? You may feel less worthy because you are “officially flawed.” Unfortunately, there are some people who truly will not acknowledge wrongdoing. We need to learn how to live around them.

For the wrongdoer, the positive could be being able to stay calmer day to day instead of rationalizing or trying to punish the other person due to guilt or other uncomfortable feelings. For the one wronged, the way to look at it would be that the other person has something going on within that is preventing them from apologizing. That makes it about them, not about you. Do not let their behavior make you doubt yourself or feel any level of discomfort around them. The same applies if you issued a sincere apology and it was not accepted. To clarify, a sincere apology means accepting responsibility for hurting someone without any excuses, or trying to split who is at fault. Tone of voice, choice of words used and body language have to send the same message. If you try apologizing a few times, at the right time and place and they still won't accept it then it is not for you to worry about.

Part of the growth process is to acknowledge all behaviors; positive and negative, and using that as a guide to help you become a better you. What makes an apology sincere is to be specific with why you are sorry. There is a certain strength you will gain from doing so. Try it and see how it feels.

www.zahavahselingerlmhc.com

Zahavah Fishfeld, LMHC is a licensed therapist who focuses on relationships, self-esteem and self growth. She offers a phone consultation as well as sessions in person and through video. Her offices are located in Flatbush and Crown Heights.  She can be reached at 845-596-1321 and  zahavahsel@gmail.com.