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The Talmud Yerushalmi in Pesachim provides us with one of the most famous Midrashim on the entire Hagaddah, ‘K’neged Arba’ah Banim’, the story of the Four Sons. This story offers a rich tapestry of psychological insight when viewed through the lense of individualization of attention whether for children or generalized overall. Communication works for those who work at it. Each individualized interaction is an opportunity to create a connection.
The Four Sons embody a spectrum of personalities and inclinations, from the wise and inquisitive, the simple and naive, the rebellious and disengaged, and the silent and introspective. Each son represents a unique blend of characteristics, requiring a customized approach to nurture their growth and understanding. Just as in individualized child-centered parenting, where caregivers adapt their guidance to suit the needs of each child, the Haggadah reminds us of the importance of recognizing and honoring the distinctiveness of each individual within our families and communities.
Each of the four sons corresponds to a passuk in Torah, in which Hashem indicates instruction given by a father to his child. The Chasam Sofer teaches us from ‘K’neged Arba’ah Banim’ - the word ‘K’neged’ can be translated as ‘According to the four children.’ According to the needs of each child, we must adapt our techniques, depending on what the child needs in each particular situation. What works for one child may not work for another. We must help each person on their own level. We must validate others, show them love, recognize their needs and be there for them. We must adjust and tailor to each person individually. ‘K’negedArba’ah Banim’ - according to the needs of each one of our children.
Here are communication tips and steps for each personality type:
Tailoring your message to the individual shows that you value them enough to speak their language. The Haggadah's response to each son demonstrates the art of tailoring communication and guidance to meet the needs of the individual. Similarly, in our interactions with others, whether in parenting, teaching, or mentoring roles, adjusting our approach to resonate with each person individually fosters understanding, connection, and growth. In a world full of noise, personalized communication is the signal that breaks through. May we learn from the lessons of the Haggadah to understand the unique needs and perspectives of all people by learning to speak their language.
Elan Javanfard, M.A., L.M.F.T. is a Consulting Psychotherapist focused on behavioral health redesign, a Professor of Psychology at Pepperdine University, & a lecturer related to Mindfulness, Evidence Based Practices, and Suicide Prevention. Elan is the author of Psycho-Spiritual Insights: Exploring Parasha & Psychology, weekly blog. He lives in Los Angeles Pico Robertson community with his wife and three children and can be reached at Elan.Javanfard@gmail.com.