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By: Yehuda Krohn, Psy.D.
Many of us find ourselves in relationships. They can be familial, social, school, or business-related. Hopefully, we experience most of our relationships as satisfying; yet, not every relationship necessarily fulfills and nurtures. Some relationships may feel too distant while others may feel too close—too stifling—or just feel wrong.
This edition of Mind Body & Soul, entitled Building Healthy Relationships, provides perspectives on what leads to healthiness, wholeness, and—ultimately—satisfaction in relationships.
Eitan Zerykier spotlights not only mindfulness practices that are directed inward, towards ourselves, but also those that are directed outward, towards others. Dvorah Levy choreographs a dance that helps us take in the reality of our partners and spouses.
Rachel Rosenholtz and Sara Teichman showcase the positive impact of meeting the physical and emotional needs of younger and older children, respectively.
Pam Siller guides us through the life cycle, in discussing the nuts and bolts of healthy relationships.
I’d like to share something I’ve been taught about healthy relationships. A majority of the feelings and attitudes present in healthy relationships are directed from one person toward another:
- I respect him.
- I am concerned about her.
- I feel tenderness toward him.
- I admire her.
There is, though, one attitude that is oriented more toward the relationship than toward the person. It is best articulated by bestselling author, Barbara Coloroso: “I control 50% of the relationship; I influence 100% of it.”
Most of us would interpret the above as a statement about the authority that I have in a relationship. I may only control myself. I do not have license to control the behaviors and thoughts of others. It is wrong for me to insist that my partner have the same preferences that I do. Although I might wish to attend a particular event, I cannot control the attendance of my friend. Even with regard to religious observance, I cannot coerce my spouse to observe exactly as I do.
True, I can influence the likelihood of my spouse doing as I wish, by making a request or even sharing an expectation; all the same, I need to be mindful that my spouse ultimately gets to choose how they act. Sometimes, it is my respecting the choices my spouse makes in one domain, that gives me the credibility to ask for change in another. I may influence my spouse’s choices; I ultimately do not control them.
There is a second and important facet to Coloroso’s saying, one that touches on responsibility as opposed to authority. The best way to explain this is to introduce a relational myth. The myth is found in some Jewish books on marriage:
If my spouse is negative, unhappy and highly critical of me, then I am to blame. I am either not attentive enough to my spouse, or I have a character defect, for which all their negativity is somehow my Tikkun—my rehabilitation.
“Not true,” says Coloroso and others. Even as I may influence 100% of the relationship, I control only 50%. There are facets of my partner’s psyche and their capacity to interpret interactions over which I have no control.
Duvy returns from his hour-long commute 10 minutes late. Chavie is livid. She has prepared a difficult-to-make dish for supper and is convinced that Duvy is avoiding her cooking. Duvy actually enjoys Chavie’s cooking and has been quite demonstrative of that fact on other occasions. Chavie angrily refuses to talk to Duvy, for the next three days. Chavie may insist that Duvy made her feel inadequate, but is that true?
Brocha has faithfully kept up with her bi-weekly women’s night out for the past two years. Ari is dismayed that Brocha does not wish to spend every evening of every week at home, with him. Brocha is an attentive wife who also enjoys strong, vibrant peer relationships. Ari has begun to alienate Brocha’s friends by answering her phone and making nasty comments. Ari may argue that Brocha makes him feel jealous, but is that true?
Actually, neither Duvy nor Brocha controls more than 50% of the relationship. They may control their own contributions, but they don’t control the reactions of their spouses. For Duvy or Brocha to believe otherwise would lead to their living increasingly unbearable, impossible lives. They would feel as though they were constantly walking on eggshells.
In all likelihood, their respective spouses, Chavie and Ari, are struggling with feelings of unworthiness. Those feelings may be mediated by insecure attachment styles—that is ways of relating to others that stretch back to their childhoods. They may be affected by mood-related issues, such as depression or anxiety. Their perceptions and reactions may be associated with an underlying personality disorder.
Even as Duvy and Brocha are not fully responsible for their spouses’ feelings, they may learn, with the help of a skilled couple’s therapist, to influence their respective relationships. By way of example, an EFT trained therapist might help both couples recognize how a seemingly benign interaction can trigger feelings of insecurity and unworthiness for the more vulnerable spouse. The more vulnerable spouse can learn not to immediately blame the “offending” spouse, but to speak of their internal experience and to ask for greater closeness.
Duvy and Brocha can be emotionally present, during this process. They can learn how to respond empathically to their spouses’ requests. They will likely discover the subtle trigger points to their own reactions. In participating, they are positively influencing the relationship.
In summary: I only control myself; I don’t control my partner. I neither have license to coerce them, nor do I have the responsibility to guarantee that they always feel worthy and complete.
I may and I can influence my spouse. This involves my recognizing and respecting my spouse’s autonomy. Additionally, it involves my recognizing my own feelings and perceptions, while supporting my spouse to take ownership of the feelings and perceptions that arise within them.
In a healthy relationship, I control 50% of the relationship, and I influence 100%.