It’s not just in the movies: The mean girls phenomenon is real and very much a subject of discussion today among professionals and parents alike. Unlike the boys who may be openly – and even physically – aggressive, mean girls use their words. They typically operate under the radar, far from adult view. And, no matter how many complaints there are from the other students, the mean girls continue to exclude, mock and/or tease, and generally make their victims’ lives miserable.

The target of these bullies can be anyone: from the class genius to the worst neb, from the girl who has everything [a threat] to the girl who has nothing [a perfect victim]. What the bullied have in common is the shame of the victim and the pain of not being believed. Many years after the fact, women will talk about the agony they experienced because of the mean girls.

A major source of the victim’s pain is the fact that adults don’t see these bullies and what they’re up to. It’s not that the adults don’t believe in the existence of bullies, but rather that they fail to recognize who they are and what they are doing. It is not unheard of for a disbelieving staff member to assert that the accused girls are, in fact, cooperative, wonderful, and incapable of doing what is suggested. In fact, the tables are often turned by the staff saying that the victim is the problem – because she has low self-esteem, poor social skills, etc. Sadly, when the adults don’t get it, the victim feels invalidated and alone.

Mean girls are hard for adults to identify because they are often quite sophisticated and subtle. They work very hard to impress the adults in their life: assiduously doing their homework, getting hundreds on their tests or at least high nineties, and volunteering for every chessed project. It is only when they are out of adult view that their reign of terror prevails. They are masters of manipulation and geniuses in escaping notice. Of course, they are the picture of innocence when caught.

In addition, the offenders may be the products of the finest homes, models of derech eretz, or just all-around winners. The natural, logical conclusion then is that the victim is overreacting and simply jealous of the mean girls and their social success.

So who are “the mean girls”?

• They are the over-indulged or the privileged who have developed feelings of entitlement.

They have learned that they deserve to have things go their way and feel they have the right to treat others in a way that suits their own needs.

• They are the deprived who feel cheated of love, attention, money, or things. They are

hurting and simply can’t worry about hurting others. They do what they feel they need to do to survive, and if that means putting another person down so that they can feel good about themselves, so be it.

• They are the products of negative role modeling. Unfortunately, we sometimes support a

hierarchal system where some people are more important than others. Whether it is the local meshulach at our door, the beggar in shul with a mental illness, or the non-Jewish help in our homes or businesses, we adults may speak or act in a disparaging or condescending manner to those less fortunate than ourselves. No wonder our children permit themselves to trample on the feelings of those they perceive as less than themselves.

• They are children with poor social EQ [emotional intelligence]. These children lack social

understanding and are blunt and  hurtful in their dealings with others. Though they mean no harm, they have not yet mastered the language of thoughtfulness, and thus may unintentionally hurt another. Whether this is the result of being born into a socially awkward family or a social skills deficit, this child is clueless about the fact that she is hurting others.

The mean girls exert tremendous power for two reasons:

The included feel honored to belong and will toe the line to assure their position in the group. Because children are basically powerless, they will do anything to satisfy the Queen Bee whose clique offers them safety and position.

The excluded cannot find their voice. They are often confused and unclear about exactly what is going on. When they do speak up, they may sound whiney or strident and are easily written off.

Because it is hard to deal with a nameless threat, we have to see the mean girl phenomenon for what it is. We have to name the game: it’s bullying, and it’s social aggression – not merely trouble getting along. Everyone – the parents, school staff, and the students themselves – have to get on board and begin identifying the recognizable patterns. There are many programs, trainings, and professionals that help staff identify and deal effectively with bullies. To their credit, some schools have even developed a zero-tolerance bullying policy.

Understanding the dynamics of the mean girls and their victims is the first step to addressing this phenomenon. There is no one-size-fits-all solution, or easy fix. But, at the very least, we want to listen to our daughters and reassure them that being bullied is not their fault, and that we will do whatever we can to help them. We also want to make sure to set a good example – of fairness and respect, empathy and concern – so that our daughters can learn to be the best that they can be.

Dr. Sara Teichman maintains a private practice in Los Angeles for individual, couple, and family therapy, and specializes in parent counseling. Her widely acclaimed advice column, “Child in Mind” by Dr. T., appears bi-weekly in Binah magazine, and now in Jewish Home LA as well. For questions or comments, email: sara.teichman@etta.org.