From:

Sent: Monday, December 05, 2016 5:15 PM

To: Mindy Blumenfeld

Subject: Question for therapy column

Hi!

Since I'm a teacher and sometimes act like a therapist to some of the teenagers I teach; I was very excited with the column you wrote this week!

I teach in a school were the most of the girls are going through really tough challenges and struggling with yiddeshkeit at the same time. Some girls became really close to me and call/text me from time to time. One of them comes over to my house every week and gives my daughter art lessons, since her mother asked me to please have her over for a bit every week since she enjoys out relationship, etc...

Now for my question: I've always wondered how do I know when I or they overstepped boundaries??

(If you decide to print my question, please take out some identifying info like art lessons and my name.)

Thank you!

Eagerly awaiting your response!

R.

From: Its Me
Sent: Monday, December 05, 2016 3:44 PM
To: Mindy Blumenfeld <mindyblumenfeld@binahmagazine.com>
Subject: RE: mentors abandonment

Hi Mindy, I read your piece about mentors (friends, teachers, kallah teachers...) helping people and then dropping them when they feel choked, while I found that to be true how is that so different than a therapist who drops you the minute you stop your $200+ weekly fee? The abandonment and feeling associated with it are the same and here the risks are intensified. The therapist is aware of your issues, she knows you're not good to go, and yet... she drops you- just like that with no good-bye and no follow up... 

Nobody's perfect, but I look at a therapist who can just let go of a client in need as a greater responsibility. When one relies and gets attached to a friend/mentor she knows that it's not going to help her heal, but when one goes to a therapist they're hoping to get completely healed from their issues. And being dropped and abandoned just adds more pain to the mix. 

Did I fall in with a rotten therapist or is this common procedure?

Please respond.
Sent: Monday, December 05, 2016 8:37 AM
To: Mindy Blumenfeld <mindyblumenfeld@binahmagazine.com>
Subject: Therapize me, therapize me not...

So now what?

I'm not a teacher, but a friend in this type of relationship.

There were no boundaries as I tried to be there/help my friend, and then it crashed. 

What happens then.

How does one shake off without hurting the other party?

Thank you, 

A fellow reader who's been abandoned

From:
Sent: Sunday, December 04, 2016 3:06 PM
To: Mindy Blumenfeld
Subject:

Hi Mindy!

I read your column in the Binah all the time and absolutely enjoy reading it very much. Especially this past week, therapize me, therapize me not.... when things go wrong with mentors.... It was funny that was the topic you choose just this week, as I've went thru a painful experience with my mentor (though I was paying her) due to no boundaries. I'm still healing from the hurt. As I was reading the article, I felt like I was reading about myself. It's extremely essential, like you say, for boundaries on both ends, the client and the mentor. I've done something wrong out of my pain and anxiety as I'm an older single with hardships from my surroundings. It became unhealthy relationship due to no boundaries, therefore it became a friendship. I've admitted to my wrong and apologized for it. My former mentor can't see past anything but herself and her hurt. She's helped me a tremendous amount but at the same time since there were no boundaries I thought I can't live and breath without her. She has allowed that to happen. She was always responding to me whenever it was. I take blame for my wrong and unfortunately my relationship with her became unhealthy but being that she is the mentor, I believe she's at fault for that. She's forgetting I'm the client and she's the mentor.  At the same time she was helping me, this was occurring where I thought I can't make a move without her. That came from no boundaries. Two days after I confessed my wrong she just walked out of my life without allowing me to explain myself to the wrong I've done. As she's perceiving it much more than to what has actually transpired. She doesn't realize she's at fault for much as she never had boundaries with her clients. It's painful to me that she never gave me that chance to explain myself and hear me out. And that she can't admit she's wrong as well. In my opinion she's more wrong than me especially at this point. As a mentor where she's mentoring many singles I was shocked at her behavior and how she treated me. The occurrence on her part was extremely mishandled. I've tried to explain to her much but she just kept ignoring me. I hope she read your column to realize how important it is for boundaries. Hopefully with time she will realize that she's wrong as well as it takes two to tango. I'm actually waiting as it's all over that she will reach out to me and admit to her wrong and apologize to me. I was glad to see that your topic. I hope my former mentor read it. I've learned from here would only see a professional who is licensed. And ppl need to know things about unlicensed professionals. They need boundaries as well! She puts herself out there and than blames me for much! I hope to write an article to have published somewhere that professionals, licensed or not, or anyone else out there helping others out that boundaries are needed! They are there for you and than it's lead to an unhealthy relationship causing my damage. I was actually surprised that never seen this topic before as it's important for everyone to know. This caused me a lot hurt and pain and would like to put it out there! Now I'm in therapy getting over all this. While I was in the relationship I didn't realize how unhealthy it was though she allowed it. Now that I'm out of it I see much and see the type she is. She mishandled it which bought much hurt to me and being that she didn't know what to do she just ignored me! Also, I hope she realizes that the relationship was unhealthy cause of no boundaries. It's hurts as it takes two to tango and she can't stand up to her plate! I've tried my best to explain myself and for her to know her hurt she caused me on occurrence on her part. It came to a point where I just walked away with much pain, hurt, and anger. Time is a healer and pain is the best teacher! I really do hope she realizes her mistakes as well! This was an important topic to bring out. Thank you again!

Sent: Sunday, December 04, 2016 5:30 AM
To: Mindy Blumenfeld <mindyblumenfeld@binahmagazine.com>
Subject: When things go wrong with mentors

I read your article this week and then just like sat there, then reread again. And again. It really touches close to home this time-
I'm the mentee but my mentor is 3 years older then me and in between a mentor and a super close  friend. A month ago I decided that boundaries have been blurred and as hard as it was for me, I told her I need a months brake. The month's almost up and I have a question regarding a line you wrote: " ...know that although it is not your fault, you can break this pattern if you choose."
Like, how? Is there any practical way for me to do that?
Thanks in advance,
                     - an 18 year old girl

From:
Sent: Sunday, December 04, 2016 2:00 AM
To: Mindy Blumenfeld <mindyblumenfeld@binahmagazine.com>
Subject: mentors-mentees

hi mindy!

your article about mentors really touched a sensitive spot in me, as i find myself on both ends of this description - i am a young teacher who cares a lot about my students, while also keeping up a close relationship with one of my own teachers - a relationship that sometimes sounds a little like the one you described in you article, though not nearly as extreme.

honestly, reading the article left me feeling despair. so what, if my relationship with my mother is complicated and difficult - then there's no way i could get that kind of love and caring from someone else??

is it not possible to have a close, healthy mentor/mentee relationship? i'm sure it is!

it's true there are many painful stories like the one you described in your article, but there are also many beautiful stories about caring people who opened their hearts to someone who needed them, for whatever reason, and really made a difference in that person's life - a positive, long-term difference. i'm sure someone who cares doesn't need to be a professional to be able to help; they might just need some basic guidelines...

i'd be very happy if you could follow up this article with some such guidelines and tools how to build and maintain a healthy such relationship for both the ones on the giving end and those on the receiving end - how to really help and be helped, without causing damage.

i'm sure there are many people out there who could benefit greatly from such information.

with lots of appreciation for your helpful, informative articles,

Sent: Saturday, December 03, 2016 7:22 PM
To: Mindy Blumenfeld <mindyblumenfeld@binahmagazine.com>
Subject: in response to "Therapize me, therapize me not..." (fan mail, as you requested :) )

Hi Mrs. Blumenfeld,

I’d like to respond to your article about teachers setting appropriate boundaries with their students; I appreciated it a lot. I teach junior high and high school girls, and I feel a need to constantly monitor my relationships with students who reach out to me or whom I reach out to, to make sure that proper boundaries are maintained. I am extra vigilant in this regard since I am not yet married, and I realize that the satisfaction that I get from helping these girls is probably more significant for me in my stage of life than it would be if I had a husband and children to whom I were constantly giving. I wonder if readers might benefit from hearing my perspective.

The main thing that allows me to be there for my students without overstepping boundaries is seeking supervision and guidance from my supervisors and my own teachers and mentors. Questions that I ask range from things like, “is it okay to allow Girl X to text me?” to “A girl requested confidentiality but I am highly concerned about her emotional health – how should I proceed?”

I have set up general rules for myself; for example, I do not feel comfortable meeting with or talking on the phone to a girl outside of school unless one of her parents knows that we are in touch. Also, I will not talk on the phone to a student past a certain hour at night. However, because of the complicated lives that so many girls lead, it would be impossible to create rules that would encompass everything that comes up, which is why I find it so important to seek guidance regarding these relationships.

Whenever I feel that I will be unable to truly help a student work out her “issues” (which is most of the time), I encourage her to talk to the principal, either so that he can help the girl directly or so that he can arrange for the girl to see a professional. Many girls refuse, in which case I am there with a listening ear. However, when I feel like a girl is depending on me for more emotional support that I should or would like to give her, I am immediately on high alert, and will seek guidance on what the boundaries of that particular relationship should be.

Every once in a while I make a mistake in this regard and overstep a boundary by becoming too actively or emotionally invested in a situation. But I’ve been blessed with a sensitive antenna for such things, and as soon as I feel like something that I did or said or am feeling is “off”, I’ll speak it out with one of my aforementioned “go-to” people in order to learn from my mistake and receive guidance on how to proceed.

Among the many things that I’ve learned in the few short years that I’ve been in chinuch is that it is the teacher’s job – not the student’s – to uphold appropriate boundaries. A student who is in pain may want to depend on you more than will ultimately be good for her, and it is your responsibility to protect her from herself.

May Hashem bless us all with siyata d’Shmaya in helping out his children!

L.

From:
Sent: Wednesday, November 30, 2016 10:12 AM
To: Mindy Blumenfeld <mindyblumenfeld@binahmagazine.com>
Subject: boundaries

Good Morning,

Boker Tov. It was such Hashgacha Protis that I read your article regarding boundaries as I waited at an appointment.

Thank you for your thought provoking informative articles.

Your article regarding setting proper boundaries should be a “must read” for all teachers, mechanchos and others that are “trying” to help others.

A case at point: my older daughter was having a bit of a rough patch in high school. She turned to a teacher who she thought could help her. The teacher had set boundaries and she turned to us her parents (we were in touch with a professional frum licensed social worker,) and BH she turned to us, discussed her issues with her parents and BH the issues were resolved. Fast forward ten years, my next daughter also had a rough patch and she turned to a teacher (who is single, over forty, and doesn’t have a healthy relationship with her parents) The teacher was available at all hours, for hours and she set my daughter up cleaning, cooking and babysitting gratis with all and sundry of these “wannabe” therapist/teachers. The fall out is beyond description. The worst part is that my daughter does not have a relationship with us her parents. (Yes, I know you’re thinking here goes this dysfunctional mother, yet we had a really good relationship for 17 years)) She does all her talking with these teachers and does not turn to the most loving, caring individuals in her life. Restoring this relationship is difficult. I feel like this teacher has taken my daughter hostage. I plead with HKBH daily for a Yeshua for her.

I also know of qualified teachers who resigned as they were not able to set proper boundaries with those that turned to them for advice.

Name withheld

From:
Sent: Tuesday, November 29, 2016 10:59 PM
To: Mindy Blumenfeld <mindyblumenfeld@binahmagazine.com>
Subject: Re: Teachers/mentors

Just wanted to drop a line and applaud your write up about teachers abusing their status as mentors. You asked for feedback and expected negative results, so here's someone who agrees with every word you wrote.

It took courage to say what you did. I'm glad there's someone who cares enough to open these students' eyes and make them aware of their problematic behavior!

Keep up your terrific work!

L.

From:
Date: November 28, 2016 at 3:36:45 PM EST
To: mindyblumenfd@binahmagazine.com

Dear mindy,
The first thing I'd like to say is yasher koach! I look forward to your articles and find them enriching and enjoyable. I'd like to comment on your most recent article when things go wrong... I know that you can write it only bec you know how absolutely true it is. I also know you left out the whole parsha of dependency here. From my experience as a successful elementary school teacher and a very intuitive ( healthy) woman in my 30s I see so clearly that these types that cross all boundaries are the ones who are somehow filling their own needs through this type of relationship. Every single person who is deeply engaged in emotionally helping another Must have in place this awareness. I'm not sure why you left that out. As an aside I leant from my experience that it's hard work even for an extremely healthy person not to develop dependence on the person they are helping. W/ o awareness forget it. Maybe you can address this next time.
Ps I thank my mother all the time for raising my siblings and I healthy. Like I said I'm a mother of a few children but I see it more and more. Thanks again. And hatzlacha. Kudos for bringing into the open such . Mindy Blumenfeld’s column is so valuable; it gives me hope that therapists can be a positive force in people's lives. The column on mentors' boundaries shook me up all over again. I was the mentee in this scenario — except my mentor was actually a therapist. The one I hired and paid. The one who reassured me this connection was necessary and helpful. 
So many years have passed and baruch Hashem, I'm in a much better place today. I was able to take the experience and grow from it. But still, when the topic comes up, the pain rears its head again. I mourn the loss of the special connection I had with this person, and I rage at her unconscionable consistent breach of boundaries. 
I have spoken to my Rav and acted on his psak regarding whom and what to tell about this woman. I shudder to think of other victims like me, people who put their full trust in this charismatic loving person, who then proceeds to inflict such terrible damage in a too-late attempt to get back on track.

Although I am well on my way to recovering from this relationship, I feel a part of me died when the connection ended, and I wonder if I will ever forgive my therapist. Indeed, should I? 

Name withheld

***

The first thing I'd like to say is yasher ko’ach, Mindy! I look forward to your articles and find them enriching and enjoyable.

I'd like to comment on your most recent article when things go wrong... From my experience as a successful elementary school teacher and a very intuitive (and healthy) woman in my 30s, I see so clearly that mentors who cross all boundaries are doing so because they are filling their own needs through the relationship. Every single person who is deeply engaged in emotionally helping another must have this awareness in place. I'm not sure why you left that out. As an aside, I’ve learned from my experience that it's hard work even for an extremely healthy person not to develop dependence on the person they are helping. Without awareness, forget it! Maybe you can address this next time.
Kudos for bringing this crucial topic into the open.

Anonymous

****
As a teacher and kallah teacher, I applaud Mindly Blumenfeld for her recent article about teachers/mentors and boundaries. Allow me to share a few thoughts based on my own experiences. 

Many (if not most) of the individuals who find themselves in mentoring roles are intuitive people with therapeutic personalities. They truly do care and their sincerity is felt by their students. But therapy goes far beyond intuition or "getting people" and the most important thing for a person to learn is the limitations of their own role which is actually an extension of boundaries. 

Unfortunately, not everybody understands the parameters of a teaching relationship, including students and their parents. As a kallah teacher I decline to answer questions that are outside of the purview of an educator, be they medical, halachic or psychological, even if I "know" the answer. There have been (rare) instances where a student has been frustrated by what they perceive as my holding back information, yet I insist that certain responses come directly from a Rav or trained medical professional and are not based solely on my experience. I am happy to navigate questions and communicate responses on behalf of my students. I believe that in the long run I am benefitting them and aside from exceptional circumstances they understand and appreciate this. 

I also must publicly thank all of those professionals who give of their time to make sure that people in my position are knowledgable enough to appropriately and responsibly refer their students and mentees to the appropriate resource. In order for those in my position to be responsible "first responders" we need the support of professionals to whom we can refer our questions. To those who have told me that they don't charge for phone consultations with teachers and kallah teachers and to those who have shown respect for my experience and spoken with me as a professional peer, I thank you for strengthening the front lines of defense in ensuring that our youth are armed with the education and tools they require to build Torah lives for themselves and their future families. 

Respectfully,

Getting together with a few teachers on Monday afternoon, all we could talk about was Mindy Blumenfeld's article "Therapize me..."

While we fully agreed that many teachers don't set appropriate boundaries and don't know how to handle some huge issues, the article left many of us feeling like "now what?"

You see, there is a new line of thought in our teachers room: do nothing. If you get involved you will probably mess up so do nothing and if you think something is horribly off refer to a therapist but otherwise these teachers teach and smile but will not cultivate a one on one with any student.

We find that horrifying.

So yup we have fallen prey to some of what you described and many of us got help to guide us on a personal level as how to set boundaries. But on the whole a teacher is not a therapist and we don't have the liberty of 4-6 years of schooling, ongoing training and whatever else makes therapists do it all right. We also don't get to choose our clients and we get 60 -160 girls in a grade....

We finished the article and felt like you had done a great job at describing the problems that teachers who care can stumble into. What we didn't get was: what do you in an ideal circumstance want to see happen? Because right now a few are just mumbling....I'm going to just join the group of clock in, click out....

Anonymous

Hi! I'm writing in regarding to Mindy Blumenfeld's column to this past week's topic, therapize me, therapize me not, when things go wrong with mentors..... 

I just went thru a painful experience and still healing from it how a unlicensed mentor hurt to me. Thinking she is always there for me and validated me and yet, just walks out of my life due to my wrong which she took personally, forgetting I'm the client, since it became an unhealthy relationship due to no boundaries. It's important for everyone to know clients, professionals; licensed or unlicensed, how boundaries are needed and how important they are. It's beneficial for the both, the client and the professional. Pain is the best teacher and from here I learn only see a licensed professional. 

I hope to see this published as ppl need to know this. It's for everyone to know how essential boundaries are. She healed me from much pain in my life but yet at the same regained my pain back. 

M.B.

Therapize me, Therapize me not; When Things Go Wrong With Mentors

Dear Editor,

No, this letter is not intended for Mindy Blumenfeld.

It’s not intended for the distinguished therapists who take the time to contribute their observations to Binah’s readers.

This letter is directed at the editors, those intelligent analysts who use endless discretion in determining appropriate content to share with readers each week.

I have always enjoyed reading Binah. It’s a kosher magazine with standards for quality content unparalleled to other Jewish women’s magazines, and it is evident to me, as a subscriber for the past six years, that inordinate efforts are expended toward this end.

The regular and guest contributors spark discussion and provoke depth of thought. Each one accomplishes this though the means she knows best: some use humor, some intelligence, some word choices that dazzle.

But there’s one whose writing I simply abhor.

Mindy Blumenfeld may be an accomplished therapist with waiting lists of clients years long, but her writing makes me turn the page and wish I’d never read it. Yes, the things she writes are true; she makes sure to disclaim any possible exaggeration therein. But she’s just not NICE.

No, it’s not enough to make a disclaimer that teachers are wonderful people – if you’re then going to stereotype the classic devoted teacher as one who is probably ignorant of the concept of boundaries. And even though you were a teacher and have now found the light (and the money, of course) in therapy, you have no right to publicly air your assumptions that teachers are in this for the thrill of giving that they get from giving to their neediest students.

In a publication read by MANY teenagers (I teach over 150 students a year in two high school and have conducted informal surveys), painting teachers as good-hearted but ignorant is NOT OKAY. Students need to trust teachers. They’re not going straight to the therapist on their own; they’re going to approach someone who has shown them sensitivity and trust.

Yes, it’s important to know about boundaries. It’s something teenagers struggle with in their relationships with their friends and especially with older friends, and it’s a concept we address in school regularly.

And no, you don’t have to know exactly how transference works in order to create boundaries. You just need to be told that they’re necessary and exactly how to enforce them.

How many of my students would never have gone to therapy if not for my begging their parents of its necessity? And how many organizations have I approached to network for recommendations for the best therapists when the parents did not want to, or didn’t know enough to, make the calls themselves? If I hadn’t taken an interest in their lives, hosted them for Shabbosos, I may not have taken them on as my projects (and yes, GETTING THEM TO THERAPY IS A PROJECT!). And even once they’re set up with a competent therapist, getting the professional help they need, my allowing them to spend one evening a week in my home, experiencing what normal family life looks like, is only to their benefit. And if I sometimes let them stay on the phone a bit later than I would have liked, and then hang up before they’ve finished telling me everything that happened because I simply can’t keep my eyes open any longer, they may be disappointed, but they accept is as reality.

Are there teachers who don’t create boundaries? There may be.

But getting them to trust an adult in their lives is important. And if Mindy has clients whose teachers are guilty of ‘cutting the noose’, she should speak to them directly. I will not accept that as the reality for teachers in general, even though Mindy says she loves them.

Mindy may be a professional in what she does, but her sensitivity to her non-clients is sorely lacking.

The first rule in therapy is not to judge.

In her piece this week, she has done nothing but judge those she deems so unfortunate to never have known her therapy room.

For many Binah readers not presently in therapy under other, more sensitive therapists, she represents the frum therapist. And she is a chillul Hashem for frum therapists.

I am sure you will use greater discretion in the messages you offer your readers.

(PLEASE WITHHOLD MY NAME. )

Lakewood, New Jersey

(sent to Binah Magazine: most were published)

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