Dear Mindy,

Your weekly insights brought forth a question which has been niggling me for a while. Several of your articles, including the ones regarding BPD mothers and the one on attachment have left me wondering Does the topic of Kibbud Horim (the commandment of honoring one's parents) ever reach the therapy room? It appears as if most, if not all, adults who enter therapy have some sort of childhood scar/issue which comes up through the course of therapy, from which they need to be healed. Consequently, the client's mother's 'mistakes' are brought up during the session, as a reason or 'blame' for the client's pain. So, when helping clients sort through their issues regarding their parents, is there ever a place (before, during, or after healing) to bring up the topic of Kibbud Horim?

Answer:

            You bet.

            Of course the topic of Honoring One's Parent comes up in therapy. Usually over and over again. Covertly or overtly. There isn't a child in therapy—whether that child is eight, eighteen, or eighty—who does not struggle with their role of child—to living or deceased parents—in the context of therapeutic healing that may necessitate exploration into their childhood and the impact of their parents parenting and behaviors upon their lives.

            Your question, however is ambiguous, and instead of emailing you and asking you to clarify, I am using this ambiguity to address several aspects of this concept of kibud horim in therapy.

            Client struggle with the mitzvah of kibud horim in various ways.

            In no special order, here are some.

            It seems like pretty serious stuff, this business of kibud horim and it is no wonder that clients regularly ask, “Am I allowed to speak negatively about my parent(s) in therapy,” worried that doing so is contraindicated by the Aseres Hadibros of which the Fifth Commandment is that of honoring one's parents.

            Another concern is when therapy seems to encourage disregard of kibud horim. That the message a client receives through therapy is one in which they feel that empowering themselves, breaking free of abuse or neglect, moving towards emotional health and growth seems in direct contradiction to honoring one's parent.

            Lastly, clients are conflicted when their parents use the kibud horim card to ask them to engage in activities or do favors or in general behave in ways that seem normal but makes them feel terrible. These clients are confused if they are somehow transgressing this important mitzvah, and how to balance what feels both right and wrong to them. Right in wanting to honor their parents; wrong in how doing so makes them feel.

            As I usually preface many articles that appear to be based in halachah, I will begin by saying very clearly that it would be very important to consult with a rabbi about your obligation to in honoring your parents. It is even more important to talk to a rav to whom you can not only present your situation clearly, but is familiar with this topic in context of therapy and its therapeutic implications.

            As a therapist, I encourage my clients to discuss their concerns with a rav, and offer to speak to their rav either in preparation for their shailos about kibud horim, or after they have spoken to their rav to clarify if necessary.

            As always, once this caveat has been addressed, then I can go on to explain the dynamics of honoring one's parents in the context of therapy and mental health and healing.

            As a therapist I do not accept clients who are not in high school. I respect therapists who work with children, and value their work very much; but personally, I believe that no matter what the role a therapist has with working with a child, the main work usually needs to be effected with the parents. If that is not possible, then of course the child will benefit with ongoing therapy; but give the parent therapy early enough on, then the child will be helped (along with all the other children). If this belief system makes me unpopular with my colleagues and with parents whose children are in therapy, so be it. My point with this is not to blame the parents. I have been a parent long enough to know that mistakes are part of what we do and there are any number of reasons for children to be in therapy; and if my child needs therapy, I want to be part of the solution. I even want to be THE solution.

            My point is to explain how I work with teens and adults in context of therapy and the mitvah of kibud horim.

            This is what I tell my clients (more or less): “It is possible that your childhood has contributed to your unhappiness and/or dysfunctions today. But at this time, we cannot change your parents or your childhood. And your choice is how to move forward into your future.”

            Part of moving forward may be to address the past, but only in context of awareness, understanding, and acceptance that will lead to positive present and future functioning.

            So here a client needs to talk about ugly things that possibly may be about their parents and along with everything else, they also need to deal with guilt about talking lashon horah, specifically about their parents.

            If the focus of therapy is to improve functioning, there isn't a rav I have been in contact with who has not given full consent to a client to say whatever is necessary in therapy in regard to their childhood and parents to enable a client to become a better person, capable of marriage, parenting, and individual spiritual and psychologically growth.

            The question is really what happens when a child (adult or teen, living in their parents' home or not) has psychological needs that are in conflict with a parents' expectations? How is kibud horim affected then?

            Usually it is pretty clear at the outset when the conflict is a result of the client's issues and when it is a result of the parent's. And the client's struggle with kibud horim is usually when it is the latter. Because when it is the former, the client has no conflict with speaking about their parents.

            When clients are faced with parents whose behaviors are detrimental to their well being and therapy is giving them tools to cope with those behaviors, to react differently to those behaviors, to even stop those behaviors, that is when their confusion about their responsibilities about honoring parents comes into play.

            The collaboration of a therapist and rav is important to navigate through this confusion.

            When parents bring up kibud horim to force children, teens or adults to do things that are detrimental to their mental health, the therapist can make the client aware of the dysfunction and a rav can guide a client out of their confusion, clarifying what is—and is not—their filial obligation.

            I personally have a heard a rav clearly pasken that a child who has been abused by a parent (and  abuse needs to be clarified, but not in this article) has abdicated his/her parental rights and that child has no responsibility towards a parent whose past abuse has caused a situation in which present contact or interaction will be emotionally harmful to the child. Even when the present interactions (coming for Shabbos, visiting with the grandchildren, giving money, doing various favors) seem benign. Because with abusive parents, any interaction can be cancerous.

            Honor Thy Father. There's when. There's how. There's why. And there's why not.

originally published in Binah Magazine

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