Question: I always felt my mother favored my other siblings over me This sounds so silly, especially because I am now married with my own children who I love very, very much,. I just felt she loved me less than everyone else. She didn't seem so interested in my life, I felt criticized often, and even today, I feel she gives my children less attention than their cousins. I feel very hurt and I wonder why it's like this and if I can change anything about it.

Answer:

Yep. Favoritism exists. So it's not in your imagination, if that's what you think. If you feel it, notice it, experience it, then it is what it is. But of course you are hurt. We all wanted to be the teacher's pet even if we pretended we didn't care; and the parent's pet is an even more coveted position.

So you wonder why you are less favored than others and if you can change anything about it. I can explain the first part to you, and tell you yes, it's possible always to change the dynamics of your parent's relationship with you. But that is only if there is no personality disorder like narcissism or borderline. And because I already tackled the borderline mother in one article, and plan on addressing the narcissistic parent in another, in the absence of any indication in your question of a personality disorder anyhow, I will address your problem in the context of the normal favoritism behaviors parents exhibit.

Believe it or not, lots of studies have examined favoritism, why it happens, and who it happens to. So here are some fun facts. Favoritism has a fancy name called differential parenting. Stereo-typically, the oldest is usually the favored child. Another favored child is the youngest. A parent will usually favor a child who has the most potential to eventually be the caregiver in his old age. Mothers will favor daughters, fathers will favor sons. Children who have compatible attitudes, values, or beliefs are usually the favored ones. Attractive children are favored over less attractive children. A sickly child, a child with an easier personality, a child who is more emotionally available; these are all favored children.

Here's another one: when a home is stressful, when a parent has limited resources financially, emotionally, and physically, the favored child is the one most likely to be successful. If a parent cannot give to each child enough—if not equally—the parent will tend to give to that child that has the most chances to utilize those limited resources to win, so to speak.

And yes, this favoritism is often replicated with the grandchildren of these parents, with the favored child's children receiving differential grandparenting!

Sounds so unfair, no?

Here are some outcomes of favoritism:

A child who is favored often has an enmeshed relationship with the parent that hinders successful development; in contrast to a child who has been less favored and has had to fend for himself. Those children tend to be independent, self-reliant, and assertive. However, in extreme cases of favoritism, a child who has been shunted aside in favor of a sibling, that child loses confidence, is submissive, and unable to sustain positive relationships with others. But this article is not about extreme cases or dysfunctional parenting.

So although having siblings can cause bad feelings because of the nature of differential parenting, the good news is that having siblings has many more advantages than disadvantages. Studies show that sibling relationships increase intelligence, increase likelihood to sustain a stable marriage, and the built-in support system increases quality of life.

So you noticed that your parents have favored other siblings more than you. You were the least favored sibling. That's tough. And it's not fair. But if it's the reality, can you look through the stuff I wrote and see if any apply to you or to the favored sibling?

Do your siblings' values seem more compatible to your parent than yours? Are you as emotionally available as they are (and we are not going to ask which came first the chicken or the egg...because according to these studies your parent was drawn to the child(ren) who was more emotionally available and not that as a result of favoritism you became less emotionally available—although we can argue about that!)?

Are you a middle child, and therefore don't have the natural favored role of oldest or youngest?

Are you the only son? Only daughter? And don't get the perks of the opposite gender for the favoring parent?

It's important to note which things may have caused differential parenting, despite the fact that most of these things are not stuff you could control. Like similar personality traits or your birth order. But it makes life easier to realize that your oldest sister (or youngest brother) is favored because s/he is gonna be the designated caregiver, shlepping your parent to doctor appointments in his old age and taking care of his needs while you will only have to be the assistant.

But it's still hurtful. But most parents do not do this consciously or will malicious intent. So here's what you can try to do:

Have a talk with your parent.

I know, I know, it's not an easy solution. You feel silly and immature crying about favoritism when you have grown kids of your own. But talking really can do the trick. Point out to your parent ways in which they presently practice differential parenting. Be smart about it and don't bring up the past hundred years of transgressions because that will only put your parent on the defensive.

Be clear about what you want from your parent. Say stuff like: When I bring my kids to your house, I want them to be allowed to sleep over when they ask, exactly as you allow my sister's kids to sleep over.

When you give specific instructions, measurable and quantifiable direction, it is easier to incorporate them into life than vague, non-specific behaviors.

Try to shape your personality and attitudes to match your parent's in order to allow the natural love your parent has for you to emerge. If your parent enjoys quiet time, don't come in with all five children who are high on sugar. If your parent voted for Trump, don't antagonize them with argumentative behavior supporting Hillary. You need to balance the need to be yourself with the reality of compatibility in impacting differential parenting.

And accept that some parents, although they love all their children passionately, they can sometimes like one child more than others. Your relationship with your siblings doesn't need to be affected if you realize that despite your parent's behavior, your favored sibling(s) loves you just the same.

And use your sensitivity to practice good parenting, minimizing your own natural tendency to differential parenting.

And when all else fails, chocolate is great for unpleasant feelings. With caramel filling inside.

I practice differential eating.

NOTE: THIS WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH MAGAZINE

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