Question:

I've seen this question asked in many different ways in different magazines, but I really have not heard a satisfactory response, so I am trying you now. My husband, who is an excellent father and husband, is just not as religous as I would want him to be. He also want me to change my standards. Skirts shorter than the four inches below the knee and longer wigs than either my or his siblings wear. He wants to know what is wrong with going out to eat as a way to do something fun together. I do not feel comfortable doing as he asks, even though I sometimes think his way may be okay as long as we don't actually violate halachah (Jewish Law).

Answer:

It sounds like this question should be directed to a rav, not a therapist. Right? Wrong.

One of the challenges of being a religious therapist is that my religious views and opinions should not in any way infringe on the therapeutic work. But to me, that is as ridiculous as saying that my gender or age or or any other aspect of my self will be disassociated from the therapeutic alliance. It's impossible. So instead of denying that I am influenced by my gender, that I am a mother, by my religion, by being a New Yorker, I simply acknowledge it. But what is important for my client to know, is that despite these influences, I practice according to the ethics of my social work training; which is that my client's agenda is the only one that exists in the therapy room. Definitely not mine. And my role is to enter fully into my client's world to help her achieve the goals for which she enters therapy.

So back to my reader's question.

Here a couple married under one similar set of religious expectations they both brought into the marriage, and now one partner wants to change the rules.

As a therapist, I would encourage any rav or rebbetzin who receives such a shayla (religious question) from either a husband or wife, to understand that this question is usually not a halachic one. It is a psychological one. And before responding, it is important to understand the psychological underpinning of this woman's (or husband's) dilemma. What is pushing the spouse to want, to demand these changes?

Change is inevitable in life. Growth is inevitable. But when the change is not growth-oriented, even if it is masked as such; but restlessness or unhappiness, then a spouse needs to evaluate her response. Especially when demands are being made upon her to change as well.

This article is not about halachic violations. It's more. It's more about a way of life that represents a religious and/or spiritual lifestyle into which one is born or chooses to live. When a couple grows up in a secure and happy environment, they build their relationship within the rules of their community. For a spouse to ask for something different speaks of his unhappiness, not of his desire to build a relationship. Because how does it build a relationship to ask one spouse to do something that causes pain?

As a therapist, I will tell you the stark truth. When a spouse begins changing the rules under which they both married, usually, it rarely has to do with religion and everything to do with himself (although, of course, there may be other reasons too that we are not addressing in this column). A woman may be afraid to say no to these changes, thinking that she must keep him happy or else her marriage will be compromised.

The marriage has already been compromised by his unhappiness. A spouse must remain true to her own standards, once she has ascertained that her standards are normal according to the life in which she grew up. If she is afraid she must make concessions to keep her marriage stable, then she should know that she will spend her entire life making concessions, losing herself in the process and not improving her marriage in any substantial way—except for the first few months, or weeks, or days following the concession.

Women who remain true to their values force their spouses to confront their own selves and seek ways to find happiness that is not dependent on their spouses lowering standards but on their own true growth. And if a man leaves his wife, claiming she is too religious for him, I tell you, he would have done it anyway, after 20 years of demands rather than 2. This is true when the positions are reversed with the wife making demands on her husband.

Remember, we are NOT referring to a spouse that is contravening halachah, or is at risk for that. We are referring to simply the lessening of standards. This distinction is important, not in its application, but in its psychological implications.

So why should a spouse NOT acquiesce to these changes, you ask?

Because the person that requesting them only thinks that whatever is bothering him (or her) will be alleviated by these changes. It is not the case. The relief will be temporary. As in, “It's so great to go out to eat with my wife!” will quickly change to, “But it is still not as interesting as also-----(you can fill in the blanks) and let me see if I can convince her to do that so that we can enhance our relationship.”

What is pushing a spouse to request these changes?

From a psychological perspective, it is usually when a person feels inadequate in some way. Low self esteem. Suffering from early loss. Either the death of a parent, or simply the loss of a close relationship with either parent through indifference, neglect, divorce, or unawareness. Feeling different as a child. Academically or socially.

Notice how none of these have anything to do with religion itself. Yet, when a person uses religion as a way to explain his limitations, it is not usually the religion that has been limiting but the person's early relationships with primary caregivers.

There is actually a psychological model of religious development that identifies how we grow into religious adults with a meaningful relationship with G-d. Believe it or not, our earliest model of G-d as our Parent is in how we first view our relationship with our concrete, mortal parents. A loving parent allows for an abstract concept of a loving G-d as Parent. A punishing, cold, withholding parent does the same in the reverse.

If a person views his religious upbringing as confining, restricting, it is usually more representative of how he views the relational aspect of his upbringing. This would be true of most values in which a person is raised. If that value is embedded in love and respect and relationship, then the religious observance, in the culture in which a person is raised, remains secure as well.

If your spouse is seeking change borne out of his unhappiness or deficits, and those changes are not growth-oriented no matter how they are presented, then it will not help him—or you—as he (or you) believes if you make concessions.

Standing by your own convictions will perhaps cause more friction at the outset, but then will force him to make changes that are more meaningful to his ultimate growth. But I would advise any spouse in this position, to not only work with a therapist—whether you are the spouse that wants change, or the spouse feeling angry or confused at the changes, but also with a rabbi who can guide you hashkafically (spiritual ideology and philosophy) and halachically.

I am becoming a very, very, very unpopular columnist...and a religious fanatic to boot. Oh well.

(originally published in Binah Magazine)

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