Shabbat is here. Mothers all over the world are cleaning, cooking, inviting married children, and babysitting grandchildren. Some are overworked, some are harried, some are a little frustrated at their married children who leave plates in the sink and let their children run wild at six in the morning. But overall, the home feels warm and inviting, the grandchildren loved and cossetted.

            But for some, the scene may look the same, but it feels very different.

            Because on the surface, the mother is doing all those things. Cleaning, cooking up a storm, inviting the marrieds, buying presents and new clothing for the babies. She's redoing the guest room with new quilts and linens, freshening up the home with flowers and potpourri, outdoing herself to the utmost. Her friends are amazed at her, at her selfless generosity to her children, how hard she works to make Shabbat utterly fabulous, how unique are her Shabbat foods and dishes, how creative are her seder accents and child-oriented activities. And she smiles at her adoring fans, in her sweet and wonderful persona that makes her the center of attention.

            And her children, those single and married, often think she is wonderful as well. But--

            At home, in the privacy of her home, away from the eyes of strangers, she accuses her children of selfishness. “I do so much for you,” she says, “and you don't appreciate my hard work.”

            “My daughter is such a great teacher/musician/dancer/accountant/gourmet cook,” she confides in her friends who are awed by her charismatic charm and success, but when she comes home to her too-successful child who has offered to help with Shabbat cooking, it seems like she is in competition with her own child as she says sharply, condescendingly, “This is all you accomplished a whole day in the kitchen? I would probably accomplish more if I do it myself.” Or, “I don't know why I bother to buy you yom tov outfits if you can't lose some weight. You look terrible.”

            This mother finds fault with the way her child cleans the kitchen, organizes the toys, baked the Shabbat cakes, polished the silver. She is unforgiving of trespasses, such as if her child did not answer her phone when she called or did not come through on the errands she had promised to do; but when her children calls repeatedly to apologize, to promise to do better, this mother does not answer the phone, gives the silent treatment, ignores her entreaties. The child simply doesn't know how to apologize in a way that she will be forgiven. It's a game of chance every time. Even more, the child is often confused about how she has wronged her mother in the first place.

            Shabbat at this mother's home is often fraught with tension and no one is sure why. Externally, it seems so beautiful, but there are subtle undercurrents that leaves the child uneasy and unhappy, trying to walk around land mines that she is being accused of planting but of which she has no recollection. 

            Does this sound familiar?

            If it does, you are probably the child of a narcissistic mother.

            A narcisstic mother is defined as someone who lives through her children whom she considers merely an extension of herself. She has unreasonable expectations and her child is rarely loved for being herself; but only in how she can reflect well on her mother. The narcissistic mother perceives her adult/child's independence or successes as a threat, and engages in marginalizing and competition to coerce the child to live in her shadow.

            Look, all parents want to show off their kid, how wonderful and successful they are. All parents can get irritated when their children fall short of their expectations and need to point out where they can improve. But what distinguishes the narcissistic parent from normal parents who make mistakes, is their pervasive attitude of denying their children their right to their own lives, opinions, needs, and wants. It's as if the child only reason to exist is to serve the selfish needs of the parent. Even when it may appear as a social norm. Like at Shabbat time. A narcissistic mother will be doing all she is doing, not because of her delight in hosting her children, but simply as a another ornament in her social mask and personae. Something to subtly brag about to her friends. What a martyr she is to host her three married children with their new born babies, how selfless she is in how she has bought them their layettes, babysat their bigger ones, and cooked all of Shabbat by herself. It's all about the accolades she gets, how she is perceived as perfect and special by others; nothing about the needs of children she is actually hosting.

            The narcissistic mother is often socially successful, loved, beloved, fawned and oohed about. She basks in this adoration, but she is a bottomless pit in that no validation is ever enough to allow her to feel she is enough.

            The narcissistic mother is all charm and smile in public; she is ugly and critical in private.

            Her children doubt themselves because everyone loves their mother, thinks she is so giving and grand. It is very confusing for them. They have not learned to separate themselves from her, they continue to live as extension of her; and so their confusion remains.

            When a child does separate from the narcissistic parent, she is often ostracized. People whisper, “Poor Mrs. So-and-So, look at that bad apple.” But often that is the child that got away. Often at a great price to her self and soul.

            How would you differentiate normal parenting from narcissistic parenting?

            Here are some.

            A narcissistic parent pushes her child to be successful for her own needs. And then, when the child becomes too independent, she will engage in constant put-downs to keep the child in place. They have a falsely inflated self image, and superior attitude of “We are better than them.”

            The narcissistic parent has perfected manipulation to an art. With blaming (It's your fault that I didn't finish Shabbat cleaning). With shaming (You embarrassed me with how you look in that dress). With guilt tripping (I do so much for you and you are so ungrateful). With negative comparison (why can't you control your children like your brother does?). With threats (if you can't lose weight then don't ask me to send food over for Shabbos). With inflexibility (I hate when you dry the dishes that way). With a lack of empathy (I don't understand why you want to do X. It's so stupid).

            The major theme of a narcissistic parent is that their love is conditional and they need to control their children to serve their narcissistic needs.

            Children of narcissistic mothers, so desperate for acknowledgment of their true selves, ironically become narcissistic mothers themselves, trying to obtain from their children the validation they had always craved, never feeling pretty or thin or smart or talented enough. Or, these daughters become people-pleasers, settling for spouses or bosses at work who don't either appreciate or validate them, perpetuating the deprivation of their childhood.

            So you are lounging around reading this column. And if you are a narcissistic parent, you will shake your head sadly that such selfish parents exist, because when you tell your daughter that she looks terrible in that old, ratty robe and please don't not to walk down your block with it, it's because she really does look terrible in it and it's really a ratty robe and obviously not because you are a narcissist par excellence. 

            And if you are a child of a narcissistic parent, you are thinking, “But my mother is right. That robe is really ratty and I look terrible in it.”

NEXT WEEK: PART 2

originally published in Binah Magazine

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