Question: I began my marriage four years ago with the firm belief, imparted to me by my choson teacher, that to “give, give, and give again” is the assurance for eternal bliss.

We had met before we got married quite a number of times. Both of us felt that we have a good understanding of each other and our emotional struggles stemming from our respective volatile family backgrounds, where, we had both been witness to varying levels of emotional abuse. We were honest to each other about the problems, and were eager (or at least seemed to be,) to be extremely supportive to each other of our residue emotional pain. I was impressed by my wife’s deep intuition, and sensitivity to emotional cues, which were important midos for me.  It was with that firm commitment to each other that we both were looking forward to a happy marriage.

I am afraid that this “giving” philosophy has led me downward, to a path of self-doubt and extreme frustration.  My wife is never happy with what I do for her. We have two children, ages three and fourteen months.  She seems to be utterly unable to cope, becoming increasingly dependent on my help. I arise two hours earlier than I would ordinarily  need to  in order to  make it to minyan, and I return home to take care of the morning responsibilities, serving breakfast and  sending off the  the children  whilst she catches up on some lost sleep from the night. She always finds something to criticize about how I have left the kitchen before running to kollel. I am spent caring for her and the children on a constant basis.

 I admit that she has suffered emotionally from her verbally abusive father in childhood, and have vowed to her that I will never abuse her. I also now recognize that her family history was more difficult to manage emotionally than mine. Recently she has started to tell me that I remind her of her mean father.  This was devastating to me since I feel that I have gone beyond my call of duty. Right now I am beginning to wonder who is, shockingly enough, the true abuser/victim in our own marriage.

 I have appealed to my wife to go for counseling, but she refuses, stating that the only competent therapists, who can help, are private practitioners, and we do not have the funds for this expense. I have repeatedly suggested that we dip into our savings account and that this expense is well worth it for both of us. After all, chazal state that Hakodosh Boruch  Hu  did not find a vessel more capable  of holding bracha other than shalom.

I have apologized to her numerous times about my household sloppiness,(not always are the beds done) but currently, I am actually beginning to feel used and exploited, where whatever I do is just not enough. I am also ashamed to confess that lately I have experienced feelings of rage towards her, which I work valiantly to control.  This really bothers me to no end, being the serious ben torah and baal midos tovos that my friends and family have always known me to be. I am asking for help for myself and my marriage.

Answer

It is extremely painful to be in a relationship where your basic emotional needs are not met, and to feel  utterly confused about what is actually going wrong .

I would like to categorize your question into three distinct concerns.

1. How has the “Giving Philosophy” been useful to your marriage?

2. Are you currently experiencing an abusive relationship or a dysfunctional marriage?

3. What would be the best practical advice to do about your difficulty?

 I will now attempt answer each question in that order.

 It seems to me that you have taken your choson teacher’s message quite literally, and although well intentioned, you have started your marriage on an unrealistic plane where you will be the consummate caregiver without fully expressing or demanding that your needs be respected too.  This would make anyone feel very frustrated.

Indeed kindness and generosity are great virtues, and one of our noblest human aspirations. But, only Hashem, who is flawlessly compassionate and infinitely giving, can and does give on a continual basis. This is regardless whether we are deserving of His generosity or not, without any compensation at all.  This ability is a divine characteristic which we mortals can only hope to gain; even the most spiritual amongst us gives in order to receive some type of reward, if not in this world, then in Olam Habah.

A functional, and healthy  marriage is one in which each partner sees it as his or her calling to take care of the other partner’s physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual needs. When both spouses are giving in that manner, then each spouse is having their needs met in a reciprocal fashion which is mutually satisfying. Have you perhaps started your marriage with an unrealistic job description to remedy your wife’s past emotional trauma and prove yourself to become her trustworthy rescuer as you have promised? Have you perhaps set yourself up for being exploited inadvertently? Do you have a difficult time asserting yourself and making your needs clear to your wife? Has your wife been able to keep her end of the bargain?

You also seem to have become confused whether you are in an abusive relationship or not. Indeed it can be a tricky question to determine the true nature of your relationship currently.

Generally speaking, in an abusive relationship, someone is being seriously undermined, hurt and manipulated.  There is often a detectable pattern of isolation from family and friends by the abuser, denial of events, or blame for being mistreated by the abuser, when in fact; the abuser is the master manipulator. Often, the abuser has exaggerated feelings of entitlement and will use a variety of tactics to achieve their goals with almost complete disregard for their spouse’s ability or needs, and a complete lack of awareness of the consequences of their behaviors. Abusers believe that they should/could have full control over their spouses’ lives. A revealing question to ask yourself here might be something like, what would happen if you refuse a favor or start to defend yourself?

In a dysfunctional marriage, one party may simply be unable to deliver. Reasons for this may include poor modeling from family of origin, past trauma, or some kind of depression or anxiety disorder. These people are often too overwhelmed to ‘take on’ their spouses and need to learn how to do so in a healthy and equitable fashion. Granted, every marriage has its issues to work on.  The key factor of a good marriage, is, open and honest communication where the couple are able to express, and endeavor to deliver to each other their needs whatever they may be. 

 I do not know in which category you fall, since the behaviors that you have described need to be seen within the larger context. It also appears to me that you have both constructed your relationship based on the deficits of previous models, which you are both very wary not to re-enact. Often, without the help of an objective outsider, this dreaded scenario may actually become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You may both need to be in therapy together to address these concerns.

I strongly suggest that initially, you both go together for couple counseling. Pleading with your wife to go for therapy on her own, may make her feel like she is the guilty party, and could only increase a defensive posture.  You want to avoid power struggles.

I am impressed by your willingness and level-headedness to want to expend money on good therapy. Yes, you are correct, it is the best investment you two can make right now, before the marriage may take a turn for the worst. Our family life is our most important asset, and as a true ben torah your high premium on sholom bayis is to be commended. However, the assumption that only private practitioners are competent is not necessarily accurate. There are skilled and experienced clinicians who sometimes prefer to work at a government funded setting for various career reasons or options.

Your goal right now, is to get your wife’s cooperation in wanting to go to therapy, something which most of us resist. Perhaps, start with reminiscing together with her about the good dating memories you have. Remind yourself of the initial qualities you admired in her and how compatible you both felt towards each other.  State that whist you still appreciate her good midos and are not thinking of leaving her, you are worried and stressed out about the relationship.  Don’t lecture, preach or accuse. Since you are the one that is trying to problem solve, you are probably best off with “I” statements. Talk in terms of how this is a problem you both own, and you are both searching for more happiness, a right you both deserve.

Needless to say, the therapist should be someone who is licensed, and has had extensive experience in couple counseling and domestic abuse. I hope that you will find a competent therapist who is able to accept your insurance and you will not have to pay out of pocket.  You may want to get a referral from your Rov, an askan, or any frum referral agency. I hope that the recommendation works out well for both of you.  Hatzlacha Rabbah.